It starts with your neighborhood. Is it in a "safe" part of your town or city? Is it clean and seem "kept up"? Do you own your own home or do you live in a complex? When you open the door, are you dressed for company? Does your case manager get a good first impression or is your living space disorganized and smell of cigarette smoke? Is there a place to sit and chat or is it hard to find an area clear of clutter?
All of this is observed within the first few minutes of finding a place to park and entering a surrogates home. The eyes and ears of a case manager are the eyes and ears of your potential Intended Parents. IP's want to be reassured that any woman that they are working with lives in a safe and healthy environment. This does NOT mean that you have to own your own home or live in a gated community but it does mean that you care about yourself, your family, and your surroundings.
I have done my share of home visits and so a quick story: I made my appointment with a potential surrogate a week in advance...she looked great on paper and sent photos (although she wasn't smiling in any of them so I planned to take some happier ones on this day)...talking to her on the phone was wonderful and she said all the right things. She had insurance and a job and was a single mother with her parents support. All good things. I show up at her home on time and observe that it was in a decent middle class neighborhood and the house was a single family home and other then the lawn needing a trim, looked fine to me. Now remember, she knew for a WEEK that I was coming over. She answered the door and I got the one-two punch! The smell of urine that hit me first almost made my eyes water and the fact that her smile included at least 7 cavities in her front 8 teeth. I smiled and went inside. You have to know that I wanted to leave then and there but decided to go on with the appointment. She had her 18 month old in front of the TV with a sippy cup full of Coke. (I asked and she told me that was the baby's favorite drink and if she didn't get it she would "bug" us all through our visit.) Trust me when I say that I DID NOT want to sit on her sofa that was so stained that you didn't know if it was beige, brown, or coffee colored. The trash and dirt in the place was unmanageable not to mention that it wasn't helped by a large German Shepard jumping all over the place. I asked to use the bathroom, as part of my routine, and it was worse then any gas station restroom I had ever visited. Without going into any more detail, this woman was rejected. I actually went through the educational process with her faster then I have ever explained anything before and then left. I called her from my office later that day and had a heart to heart with her about everything from her dental health to her living conditions. I hope to this day that I did her a favor.
Having shared that story with you, I am hoping you can see how important it is to a case manager to be able to accurately describe a surrogates surroundings to her potential Intended Parents and reassure them that she lives in a safe and healthy environment. They may actually come to visit their surrogate themselves and for the agency to know that they have thoroughly vetted the living conditions of the woman who will be carrying their baby is crucial.
Here is a short check list for those of you expecting a home visit:
_Make sure your home is clean especially the bathroom and the kitchen
_Declutter your home just to the point where you don't have piles of bills and magazines stacked on the tables and counters. We know you have to LIVE there!
_Have an activity to keep your child/children who may be home busy so you can talk
_Offer a tour of your home (if you don't the case manager will have to ask it it's not a comfortable position to be in--much better if offered)
_Have a place set up, preferably at a kitchen or dining table, to chat and look over paperwork
_Ask how long the case manager feels the appointment will be so you don't have to rush
_Have at least water to offer in a clean glass (I feel I have to say that just because of a past experience...)
_If you are responsible for the yard work, have the lawn mowed and free of toys (as much as possible) and garbage
_Please make sure you live in a non-smoking environment and that you don't allow people to smoke in your home
_If you are a past surrogate and have photos to share that would be great!
I would love it if you have any experiences that you would like to share and what would make a home visit comfortable for you!
Posted by: Sharon LaMothe~
Founder of LaMothe Surrogacy Consulting
Owner LaMothe Services
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