Wouldn't it be great to have a crystal ball and know what your future holds for you and your new potential Intended Parents? It may seem easy once you make the decision to become a surrogate. You read profiles, letters and pick a likely candidate. You might exchange e-mails or talk on the phone. You hear stories of hopes, dreams, complications and confusion. You share your values and lifestyle. And then perhaps a date...lunch? Dinner? ahhhh the glow, the euphoria of finding the "right" match. And then drip drip drop it starts to rain on the parade...just a drizzle at first. Nothing to stop the momentum, you can still see a slice of blue sky, but you get out the umbrella anyway. Perhaps this happens during contract negations. The IP's who were once so grateful for finding you want you to lower your "fee". (by 25% and Heavens! NO! They do not want to use an escrow agent!!) They want you to promise not to work during the pregnancy but they don't want to pay lost wages either. They want you to use your insurance at the infertility clinic so that they don't have to pay for the medications. (Thankfully most clinics won't do this any longer.) Your new IPs want you to go to Florida or Illinois for the transfer but don't want to pay child care for YOUR KIDS while you are gone. Hummmmmm If this pattern is starting now, during the contract phase, what's to say that it will be any different when you are pregnant? Maybe its time to rethink this match.
I know of many women who just WANT to be surrogates SO BADLY they are willing to overlook a multitude of red flags. They start out on their own in order to save their future IP's money. But when things start to go south You can say no. You can back that train up and get OFF. Before you commit to medical testing (where the IP's start to spend money on the relationship they are building with you), PLEASE make it clear what YOUR expectations are. This is where a great agency would benefit you! Your first conversation with them would be where you stand on your base fees, benefits, selective reduction, abortion and everything that is near and dear to your heart. An agency would find Intended Parents who would be the right fit for you. A great agency would do your homework with you...supporting you every step of the way. If you have questions or concerns your agency should be there to answer for you. But remember, like a finding a good match with Intended Parents you have to find a great match with an agency. Don't forget to do your homework there as well. Surrogacy is a life changing experience, good or bad, and you have a duty to listen to your instincts and follow your intuition.
How many times have you heard as a surrogate that "you are playing God!"? The common phrase here is "Basically, if God wanted Intended Parents to have children they would get pregnant on their own. If that wasn't a possibility then they, the Intended Parents, should adopt." 'Surrogacy' is preventing them from looking at adoption as an option by a woman offering a healthy body to carry their child. Some child out there would be homeless because of surrogacy! A stunning conclusion, I know. And comments like that may make a person pause and think...but often it will not change minds.
So here are some of my views on the GOD issue. Surrogates are not playing God. Egg Donors are not preventing adoptions from taking place. Reproductive Endocrinologists and Embryologists are NOT pretending to be God. We are all using the gifts that said God gave us. We are using our brains and our bodies to make and give life. And if you are really REALLY religious, are we not making another follower of God? A Catholic? Baptist? Jew? Methodist? add your religion here_______! And What about all the other medical marvels happening in the world? Heart transplants? Kidney donations? Bone marrow donations? How about blood transfusions? Are these not prolonging or enhancing life? And doesn't a new human being, a very much wanted baby, make a life complete for those parents who desire to enhance THEIR own existence?
One last thought...would any "God" really allow a human to take the credit for our own creation? I think not!
When Jenn, a 34- year-old cancer survivor, was matched through an agency with Mel, a veteran gestational surrogate, age-32, neither knew exactly what would happen.
“I researched surrogacy for over a year and joined an online support group called Parents Pursuing Surrogacy,” Jenn remembers. “When my husband and I finally signed contract papers, I felt pretty confident we were going in the right direction.” But when the agency director mentioned a gestational carrier, Jenn didn’t know what she was talking about. “Do you mean a surrogate mother?” she asked. According to Sharon LaMothe, a Seattle-based surrogacy consultant, gestational carrier is the more-recent term for a surrogate mother who is biologically unrelated to the baby she carries for a couple. “That sounded clinical,” Jenn remembers. “Not what we were going for, at all.”
On a waiting list for five months, Seattleite Jenn says she felt butterflies when she met Long Beach native, Mel, for the first time at the agency’s-office in Orange County. Told that surrogates were in short-supply, Mel was the only one ready at the time whose ideas about the surrogacy process matched Jenn and her husband’s. “I saw her photo and e-mailed with her a few times, but when I met her in person, I didn’t hear a word she said. I was listening to my instincts on this one, and my heart,” Jenn says.
Mel admits the same. “Jenn and her husband were my third set of Intended Parents. I worked for several years with a couple who never had success—and it was heartbreaking.” Several embryo transfers for the couple failed and the whole experience was very discouraging,” she says. But Mel didn’t give up. Matched a 2nd time with another couple, she was pregnant with and delivered a baby girl for them. “Having a baby girl for my couple was one of the greatest things I ever did. I don’t have words for the joy it brought to everybody.” It was right then that Mel knew she wanted to do another surrogacy—but only with a couple who shared her values. “I clicked with Jenn and her husband, instantly,” Mel says. “It was love at first sight.”
Although it was one of the hardest things she’d ever done, Jenn stood by attentively while her microscopic 3-day embryos were transferred to Mel’s womb, for safe-keeping. “I knew I had to let them go to Mel. And although I am a very analytical, somewhat-controlling-person, I was able to take a step back. Mel knew the process and was a consummate professional. Even more, I could tell her heart was in the right place.” A giant leap of faith by Jenn, she says the feeling is impossible to describe. “I placed our babies in a woman I barely knew. We were asking for a miracle.”
On their second embryo transfer (Jenn’s eggs and her husband’s sperm), the team of Mel & Jenn were pregnant. Their jointly-chosen OB called Mel’s pregnancy “textbook”, but the whole experience for Jenn, was anything but. And as much as Mel was financially compensated for what Jenn calls “ultra-early-babysitting”, it turned out Jenn’s hunch about “gestational carriers” was spot-on: “Mel wasn’t a carrier—she was a MOTHER.”
Baby at 12 weeks
Jenn says that not only did Mel eat right, rest, and get great prenatal care, she involved Jenn and her husband in her pregnancy and family from day-one. “I have an open-door policy so I invited Jenn and her husband in,” Mel says in a matter of fact way. “She cared for our baby like he was a member of her family,” Jenn explains. “And Mel’s husband and kids did too. I was in California for a prenatal visit once and stayed with Mel and her family. While Mel read a Harry Potter series book out loud to her own children, my baby stopped kicking to listen.” “He’s quiet now, Jenn,” Mel whispered. The look in her eye said it all. Gestational Carrier? “No, it was LOVE,” Jenn says.
Finally, one warm February day, Jenn’s dream came true when Mel went into labor. Meaning “gift from God”, they pronounced the baby “Jonathan”. Holding back tears, Jenn cut the cord from her surrogate to her precious gift. “You are the luckiest boy in the world,” she told her new baby. “You’ve got TWO moms.”
Jenn cuts the cord
Of course, many surrogacy stories end, right here. The parents take their baby home. The surrogate feels fulfilled. The end. But although Jenn and Mel didn’t know it at that moment, for them, it was only the beginning.
Jenn remembers that Mel’s husband looked her straight in the eye on the way out of the hospital. “We’re all going to stay together, now, aren’t we?” he asked. “Absolutely,” Jenn remembers answering. According to surrogacy expert, Sharon LaMothe, “Most legal contracts between IPs and surrogates have verbiage preventing the surrogate from contacting the family, after the birth. It must be a mutual feeling, a needed connection between all parties. ” Jenn and Mel’s contract was no different. But before they signed it, they talked about their hopes and dreams for a relationship, once the baby was born.
Mel and Jonathan, age-5
As Baby Jonathan grew, the families kept in touch. Jenn and her family (that included daughter Laura) flew almost every year to California from Seattle, to visit Mel and her family. Mel and her family flew up to Seattle, during school breaks.
Mel and Jonathan, age-8
The gifts and love, from the surrogacy experience, just kept flowing.
Mel, Jonathan, and Jenn
An avid Lacrosse player at age-14, now-teen-Jonathan found a sports camp (through an Internet search) in the Los Angeles area and wanted to go. “No, it’s too far from Seattle,” Jenn remembers telling him. But he wouldn’t drop the idea. “What if Mel and her husband looked after him, while he was there?” Jenn’s husband suggested. It was at that precise moment, that a light bulb went on. Just 15 years before, Jenn stood by, and let go of her child to Mel. And now, as if by some grand design, here they went, AGAIN. After a bit of soul-searching, Jenn says she realized that she felt very comfortable letting her son fly by himself from Seattle to Lost Angeles. His mom would pick him up in baggage claim. It wouldn’t be Jenn, herself. And it wouldn’t be a gestational carrier. It would be Mel. Jenn says it felt like the most natural thing in the world.
Jonathan and Mel, at the airport
“There are surrogacy stories that hit the press—more now than ever before,” says Sharon LaMothe. “But what happens between the surrogate and family, five, ten, or fifteen years down the road? These stories are just beginning to be told. There is no one-way to handle the situation. But the story of Jenn and Mel shows that it can be a good thing for all involved.”
What lies ahead for the team of Jenn and Mel? Neither mom is quite certain, but there’s one thing they know for sure: when you have faith, and let-go, no distance is too far and your own biology ceases to matter. “It’s all about love,” says Mel.” “Absolutely,” Jenn agrees.
Mel and Jenn
*JP Tammen is a freelance writer in the Seattle area
What a wonderful feeling when all the stars and the planets align and your prayers are answered! Your surrogate is pregnant and everything looks like it should! As a matter of fact she will soon be released to her own OB! Now what?
This is a question that hundreds of Intended Parents ask themselves every year. The focus thus far has been on just getting through the red tape! Finding, meeting, matching with your surrogate, medical and psychological tests and contracts, and, finally, the egg retrieval and embryo transfer! There had been so much to discuss, plan and hope for and now all of that is in the past. The future looks bright! But wait! Now what do we talk about during the remaining months of this miraculous pregnancy? How do we maintain a positive connection?
This is a critical time for all Intended Parents and their Surrogates. A time when you can all relax into this journey and plan for the future and also cement your relationship. Usually phone calls become a weekly habit with extra updates after OB appointments and ultrasound scans. If your surrogate lives far enough away from you where you can’t attend most of these appointments you might try e-mailing several times a week as well. As your surrogate progresses with the pregnancy she may be uncomfortable and even moody. Take this all in stride and perhaps offer to send a gift card to her favorite restaurant or encourage her to go out to dinner or take a prenatal exercise class. Knowing that her IPs care about her feelings and well being goes a long way in the relationship department.
Women who are surrogates are always taking care of someone else. Her own children for instance as well as carrying yours. Acknowledging her dedication once in a while with a card or letter really is appreciated. Remembering birthdays and anniversaries with flowers or a plant is a nice gesture as well.
As the pregnancy arrives into the later months, take the time to visit her and tour the hospital where your baby will be born with her. Talk about the preparations you are making and if you need advice you can ask your surrogate! After all she has had experience with newborns!
Most of all a great relationship with anyone is based on mutual respect and honesty. You and your surrogate can maintain a wonderful friendship even after the birth of your baby. Just know that this is a special time for everyone involved and keep the lines of communication open!
