This is the last day for National Infertility Awareness Week! I have 2 books 'Surrogacy Helps Make a Family Grow!' by Sharon LaMothe for surrogate mothers to share with their children or for Intended Parents to give to their surrogate for her own child! A $16.00 value. E-mail me your name, address and why you are interested in winning to [email protected] to be entered into this drawing by Sunday April 30th. Postage is included and the winner will have their signed book mailed out to them next week! (all names and addresses kept confidential if requested. Initials maybe used when announcing the winners!)
Wouldn't it be great to have a crystal ball and know what your future holds for you and your new potential Intended Parents? Doesn't it all start out like a romance movie? Maybe you hook up with a "dating service" or go on the Internet. You read profiles and letters and finally pick a likely candidate. You might exchange e-mails or talk on the phone. You hear stories of hopes, dreams, complications and confusion. You share your values and lifestyle. And then perhaps a date...lunch? Dinner? ahhhh the glow, the euphoria of finding the "right" match. And then drip drip drop it starts to rain on the parade...just a drizzle at first. Nothing to stop the momentum, you can still see a slice of blue sky, but you get out the umbrella anyway. Perhaps this happens during contract negations. The IP's who were once so grateful for finding you want you to lower your "fee". (by 35% and Heavens! NO! they do not want to use an escrow agent!!) They want you to promise not to work during the pregnancy but they don't want to pay lost wages either. They want you to use your insurance at the infertility clinic so that they don't have to pay for the medications. (Thankfully most clinics won't do this!) They want you to go to California or Illinois for the transfer but don't want to pay child care for YOUR KIDS while you are gone. Hummmmmm If this pattern is starting now, during the contract phase, what's to say that it will be any different when you are pregnant? Maybe its time to rethink this match.
I know of many women who just WANT to be surrogates SO BADLY they are willing to overlook a multitude of red flags. You can say no. You can back that train up and get OFF. Before you sign anything, PLEASE make it clear what YOUR expectations are. If you have a surrogacy agency, PLEASE have a conversation with them on where you stand on your base fees, benefits, selective reduction, abortion and everything that is near and dear to your heart. PLEASE do your home work! You will be much happier with your experience.
I have posted about the topic of Selective Reduction in the past. Carolyn Zinn, who wrote the post of her experience, below, has given birth to triplets and she has some wonderful insights on the decision of selective reduction. I decided, instead of listing this post as a comment, it needed its own place on the blog. Thanks Carolyn and thank you for sharing your thoughts on this very important topic.
"I feel this information couldn't be stressed more. I have been a personal friend of Sharon's for many years and we have shared numerous surrogacy experiences and feelings throughout those years. I am THRILLED she has put together such a wonderful blog for those involved in the infertility world. I am a Gestational Surrogate 3X and I carried triplets my first time (in 2000) of which compels me to respond to this topic. Although I entered into my first surrogacy with the purest intent and deepest desire to help a couple have a child, I had no idea what all was involved, but at the time, it really didn't matter... I was going to do this! It wasn't until I was matched and entered into the contract stage that I realized how many issues I had to think about, be comfortable with and agree to. However, I was totally determined and nothing was going to stand in my way. I put a lot of thought into what my true feelings were concerning abortion, selective reduction and other related issues and if there is anything that I have stressed to intended parents and surrogates in the past.
It is imperative that everyone be completely honest about their needs and desires. As Sharon stated in her post regarding selective reduction , one never knows what is going to happen and you truly need to feel comfortable with and be able to live with whatever may arise. I never dreamed that we would end up pregnant with triplets but it had been decided by myself and my IP's that there would be no selective reduction and we agreed to no more than three embryos’ implanted. Boy... was that a good judgment call. We placed three excellent quality embryos back and low and behold... they all three took. Our journey was one to be treasured and the outcome was nothing short of incredible. All three babies were delivered at 33 and a half weeks (considered full term for triplets) and extremely healthy. They are beautiful and thriving but myself and my IP's often have said that we can’t even imagine not having one of them around if we had done a selective reduction. Please think and re-think things before agreeing to anything. If you find a couple and your expectations are different, don't feel bad for not working with them... don't think you will never find anyone else... or they will never find anyone else... follow your heart and move on. You each will eventually find that "right" match and everyone will be happy no matter what happens."
Did that all sound stuffy enough for you? (read Money and Babies Part One) I have to admit that during my first surrogacy I had NO ESCROW AGENT.....Oh My! But I also have to admit that we had no financial issues. At least none that I really remember. I do recall thinking I was over paid once and having that argument over the phone 6 months pregnant with twins was not appreciated by my IF. Needless to say I was wrong. I have to clarify that the people I had agreed to carry for were not complete strangers and therefore we already had a relationship based on trust. I trusted that they were going to do what they said they would do (it was all clearly written in the contract) and I felt that they trusted me well enough to be true to my word. No one in 1998 even suggested an escrow agent.
Then my second surrogacy (again with twins, due in 2005) was with a couple that I did not know as well and we all agreed to deposit the surrogacy money with their attorney in CA. I have to say that the office that held the escrow had a great system which included cutting checks one day of the week and had guidelines on when to submit for reimbursements via fax. The only issue I had that really upset me was that for an entire year after the twins were born the hospital was not paid $1,400 for the anesthesia used during the C-section. (Ok, Raise your hand if you EVER had or heard of having a C-section without anesthesia ???) Because the escrow agent/ attorney only held money for me and my surrogacy related bills, funds for any other bills such as hospital and other medical costs were not available. I continued to get threats and bills from the hospital....which I quickly forwarded to my IP's. $1,400 really damaged the relationship between myself and my IP's. It took well past the twins 1st birthday to have this issue resolved. (BTW the resolution was them just paying the hospital the full amount directly...something that could have been done months before!)
So this brings us to my second point in the long, drawn out subject of money and babies...Surrogacy and Egg donation, along with all the professionals involved, cost MONEY and this all happens before the baby/babies are born. (and please don't let the word "donation" fool you) It's after the birth that your child continues to cost you!
Intended Parents: Please make sure that you have enough money in your account to cover all the costs, potential or otherwise. Please remember that at all times this pregnancy is YOURS and not your surrogates'. Please take notice when your surrogate is sending you (or your escrow agent) an OBGYN, anesthesia and other medical bills pertaining to your baby that it is your bill no matter who's name is on it. And Please remember that when your surrogate has just gone through labor or an operation to deliver YOUR baby it is always appropriate to send flowers, a token of your appreciation and even a heartfelt card with a gift certificate in it no matter how much money this process costs because this is the woman who gave YOU the gift that will keep on giving, the gift of life.
This is something that is talked about in religion, politics and among those who want kids...and don't have them. To be blunt, often times it comes down to the money when a decision is made (to move forward with a surrogacy) on any or all of the following; Agency services, Clinic's used, what "optional" testing is done, who is chosen to donate eggs, who is chosen to be the surrogate and who the lawyers are. Even if money isn't a huge issue for the Intended Parents, no one wants to feel that they are being taken advantage of. I am not suggesting that people should not compare the costs however I believe that you may get what you pay for. (or worse yet, NOT) Before prices perhaps, as far as the professionals are concerned, services and reputations need to be compared. As far as Egg Donors go, before looking at her "cost" see if she has all the qualities that you are looking for in the genetic make up of your potential offspring. When you are choosing a woman to carry your baby then perhaps you first need to see if she is someone you feel confident can build a mutual relationship with based on honesty and trust. (Not on how much her base fee is).
Now lets talk about that money issue. First, no matter how much money we are talking about, all funds pertaining to the surrogacy should be deposited into an escrow account. This escrow agent would be responsible for cutting the checks directly to the surrogate for the start of medication fee, transfer fees and any monthly fees. Also, any monetary reimbursements that are mentioned in the contract which can include maternity clothing, travel expenses, child care and house keeping services. No matter what the financial issue, the surrogate would be instructed to contact the escrow agent for any and all questions and requests regarding reimbursement. If the escrow agent then has a question regarding the request, it is then his or her job to directly contact the IP's. This usually keeps a nice buffer between the IP and the SM. Having the money handled in this manner allows the IP's to concentrate on the pregnancy, the person carrying their baby, and the relationship in general and not the money. (Although it will always be in the back of any responsible person's mind who needs to keep track of the budget, however, when it has all been deposited into an account up front then its easier for all involved to relax.)
