One of the most tip-toed around subjects when navigating surrogacy is coping with pregnancy loss. It is undoubtedly a painful and uncomfortable subject for so many people. This unspoken sorrow touches the lives of Intended Parents and Surrogates alike, and it is long past time to break the uncomfortable silence and have an honest conversation about this experience. Many Intended Parents choose surrogacy after having experienced devastating losses. Likewise, Surrogates will have sometimes experienced loss themselves, or could experience it during the course of their surrogacy journeys. The pain of pregnancy loss is very real and persistent. It often colors the experience of the Intended Parents and Surrogates, adding to their anxiety as they go through the surrogacy process.
Getting to the Other Side of the Rainbow as a Team:
- Be a United Front: The loss impacts the Intended Parents and the Surrogate alike, being able to lean on each other will bring you closer together. This experience can be the one that divides the relationship between Intended Parents and their Surrogates, or it can be a unifying tragedy that brings them closer and deepens their resolve on their shared journey.
- Avoid Placing Blame: Despite doing all the right things, loss happens sometimes. It is an awful truth, and no amount of “what if” will undo the reality of the situation. Intended Parents may feel guilt for their Surrogate having to physically experience this, and the Surrogate may be feeling guilt that the pregnancy was not viable. It is hard enough without guilt being assigned. Instead take the time to feel the many feelings that come up, allow space for these feelings and find a safe space for processing these feelings whether it is with the agency, a friend, a therapist etc.
- When Trying Again- Be Cautiously Optimistic: While you may all be feeling defeated and more nervous for the next attempt at pregnancy, it is important not to lose the hope and joy that is still there. Tomorrow’s events can’t take away the happiness you felt today, but if you don’t stop to feel that happiness the moment may pass you by. So celebrate every little milestone with at least cautious optimism, remember we are never without hope.
- Celebrate the Sweet Victory in the End: Whether your journey has taken years, or what feels like a lifetime, when you finally reach the end of your journey and that beautiful rainbow baby has arrived it will be one of the most poignant moments of your lives. It is completely normal to feel a broad range of emotions from the greatest joy to the deepest sorrow. Intended Parents and Surrogates alike should be kind to themselves and one another at the completion of the journey, allowing room for all these emotions. Celebrate the miracle of the birth, and the beauty of all the perseverance that made it possible.
About the Author:
Shoshannah Ingersoll is the Surrogate Match Coordinator at The Surrogacy Program and a proud 3x Gestational Surrogate having delivered three rainbow babies. For more information please visit: https://www.eggdonation.com/becoming-a-surrogate/top-surrogacy-agency call 818-506-9300 or email [email protected] .
Photo Credit: Linger Photography: http://www.lingerphotography.com/