Starting your surrogacy journey, it’s really important that you try to put yourself in the shoes of the other (as best as you can). Most IPs have had a long, emotional, trying journey that then led them to surrogacy. Opposite to this, is a surrogate who can easily get pregnant, carried her own babies to full term and had uneventful and easy pregnancies. So, just understanding this basic perspective of where the other is starting from is extremely important.
As a former IP, I speak with prospective IPs all the time. Just as my husband and I felt, these IPs are overwhelmed, nervous, confused and emotional. Does this sound like you? If so, you are not alone! Surrogacy is all of these things. And, surrogacy is also beautiful and incredible.
I’ve found that when I explain the following two scenarios to a prospective IP, it really helps settle the IP and provide a needed perspective in starting the surrogacy journey.
- One example scenario I will talk about is a scenario at an OB appointment. After the OB appointment, the OB says, “Everything looks good, Next time, I may want to check xyz, but all is good.”
The Surrogate hears, “All is good.”
The IP hears and feels, What’s wrong with the baby? What does the doctor want to check? Why is the doctor not checking it now?
The Surrogate is basing what she hears and feels from her own experiences with being pregnant. Reminder, surrogate’s bodies are made to have babies. Her own pregnancies with her children were uneventful. So, an OB saying “all is good” means to her, all IS good. Whereas, an IP most often had a tumultuous journey getting to this point. For me personally, nothing went right. Nothing worked. So, as an IP, if I heard the doctor say this, I would immediately react in a more panicked way. Both reactions are normal. Both reactions are based on personal experience. But, understanding these perspectives is really helpful to have the most open surrogacy experience with one another.
- Another scenario I will mention to a prospective IP is the concern that many IPs have about the surrogate connecting with the baby and wanting the baby. I mention to the IPs that the surrogate’s perspective is this… She is fertile. She can have her own kids. If she wanted another, she would have one with her husband. She doesn’t want your baby… I get many “ah-ha” moments from prospective IPs when I mention this.
Note: I also always follow this by saying, that this is further reason for ensuring you have the best team of professionals around you -- Reputable agency who does an extensive, thorough screening of surrogates, background and criminal checks, education about surrogacy and the surrogacy journey; ongoing support to the surrogate throughout the entire surrogacy journey; proper mental health screenings and ongoing support by Mental Health Professionals with surrogacy experience; Attorneys with surrogacy experience; Escrow Management company properly handling and administering the money; your own trusted Reproductive Endocrinologist. All of your team members have contact with your surrogate and ensuring that she is the right one for you and that you all have the best journey to your baby as possible.
Your team of professionals will also help you better understand each other’s perspectives. A surrogate wants to give you a healthy, beautiful, precious baby. She just comes from a very different personal experience and perspective than you, the IP. Surrogates’ also putting themselves in their IPs shoes is equally beneficial and important.
Emily Dubin Field, MBA runs Field Fertility with her husband Attorney Gregg Field. Emily runs business operations and Gregg does the legal work. Emily
and Gregg are parents thanks to IVF and surrogacy. Their miracle daughter is 4 years old. They remain very close with their surrogate and her family. Emily can be reached at [email protected]; www.fieldfertility.com
