Thinking about your future relationship with your surrogate or your donor at the beginning of your journey?
The answer to this question for most people is a hard no. When beginning the process of building a family, it is common to feel reluctant to discuss these subjects. This is understandable as there are often many consuming stresses that take center stage.
If the patients are a heterosexual couple, infertility or a medical problem is often the catalyst that has led them to their next steps. If they are a gay couple there are often hefty costs involved and sometimes frustration about the need to seek treatment and cope with all they need to learn. If the patient is a single person he or she may feel conflicted about parenting alone, stressed by finances and unsolicited advice. Patients are also often still feeling the sting of relinquishing the family they thought they would always have. These experiences may only be the tip of the painful or frustrating iceberg. Given all of this, it’s no wonder why patients are hesitant to spend time thinking about what their needs may be in years to come. However, it is worthwhile, for many reasons. I will share two in this blog.
Typically, people who use a surrogate and an egg donor, develop a relationship with their surrogate and think more about maintaining that bond then developing a relationship with their donor. For infertile women, beginning a relationship with a donor can feel threatening or hurtful. Gay or single men may be overwhelmed by the process or not feel the need to develop the relationship with their donor. However, it is worthwhile to think about how the children will feel. It’s true, that most children ask whose tummy they grew in but it is likely that, over the course of their lives, they will be more interested in their donor than their surrogate. Medical questions and thoughts about inherited traits will come up through the child’s life. The child may or may not feel strongly about searching but these issues will surface at some point.
Not everyone wants to meet their donor. However, if the intended parents are able to connect with their donor while she is still young, and often willing, they can establish a connection that may benefit them in several ways. The donor may be willing to be contacted later but like most of us, the donor may change in decades to come and may not feel invested in connecting when she has a full life and possibly children of her own. Connecting with her early on will not only give the parents to be an opportunity to learn things about the donor that they can tell their child but can help the donor form a connection to the parents to be. This connection may motivate her to connect with the parents or the child in later years. In my work with donor conceived children, I see over and over, how nice it is to have that information and a life book filled with anecdotes about how they came into the world. At www.familybuilding.net we have created a life book specifically for this purpose. I also see parents to be experience memorable moments with their donors and donors who feel even more positively about their donation after meeting with the intended parents.
Frequently, intended parents also feel burdened by creating a structured weekly Skype or face time call with their surrogates. They want the relationship to grow organically. Yet, many families experience a honeymoon period with their surrogate and this does not always last. Very often, once the initial excitement of the positive pregnancy test wears down, everyone gets busy and it is far too easy to fall into the trap of only talking about the pregnancy. If this happens, the relationship can feel more like a business relationship than a friendship.
It’s hard to remember that this relationship is not like falling in love. It is more like an arranged marriage and in order to develop a good foundation, all parties need time to get to know each other. If they do, they not only have the opportunity to create a beautiful story for their child but they may shield themselves against potential problems. Hopefully nothing will go wrong, but if something does, it is much easier to raise difficult topics with someone who feels more like a friend than a business associate. For more information on this subject, see our video, “Surrogacy Steps: A Five Part Series to Have a Better Relationship with Your Gestational Carrier”. Having a professional nurture your surrogate and help her can feel cared for is an incredible gift for the intended parents and the surrogate. LaMothe Surrogacy Consulting can help all parties manage the experience and ensure issues are managed before they become problems.
Beginning the journey to have a child with third party reproduction is not easy. By the time people start their journey, they are eager to move ahead as quickly as possible. Slowing down for a moment to ponder these issues may feel frustrating in the moment but the investment they make in the beginning can pay off in spades in the future.
About Lisa Schuman, LCSW: Lisa is founding Director of The Center for Family Building and Director of Mental Health Services at Reproductive Medicine Associates of Connecticut
Ms. Schuman is former Chair of the Egg Freezing Task Force for the Mental Health Professional Group of the American Society for Reproductive Medicine and is a former board member of the American Fertility Association.
Ms. Schuman has won several awards for her research, has lectured extensively and has written numerous articles on a variety of family building subjects including LBGTQ and single parent family building. She runs on line groups, counsels parents and parents to be and leads workshops for children who joined their families through gamete donation or adoption.
