Self-matching, I get it, I have been there myself! Agencies can be really expensive on top of an already expensive process. It can be overwhelming and somewhat like walking into the great-unknown. I, like many others, self-matched because I was a surrogate for friends, but some self-match with people they never knew before this process, like Amber [https://www.montanasurro.com/meet-the-staff], intake coordinator for Montana Surrogacy. Matching entities are a great asset, but you can still do it all yourself, if you have to.
The biggest pro of using an agency is that a good one will make the process as seamless and stress free as possible. Ideally, they’ll make you feel like it was so easy you *could* have self-matched because they’ve handled everything behind the scenes so well that you thought the process was a piece of cake! [Of course, that also leaves you able to be relaxed and focused on the best parts: bonding as a match, enjoying the pregnancy and watching your Intended Parents get ready to bring that sweet baby home!] Even if your surrogacy experience isn’t seamless, because, let’s face it, life happens, an agency will be there every step of the way anticipating and managing the issues that come up, both big and small, and using their experience to guide you through the process.
The main reason people cite for not using a matching entity to match is that it saves the intended parents money. Sometimes people also feel like a matching entity is a bit cumbersome and want to cut out the middle man or the third party. However, the con to that is that it leaves you little or no buffer during this process, especially for the hard conversations and parts of the process, such as number of embryos to transfer, termination, money, special requests and other preferences. The clinic or lawyers can help with some of these conversations, but they rarely are able to give it the full and honest discussion and mediation that it deserves, especially as often a clinic or lawyer may also have a vested interest in one side or another. In my personal experience as an independent journey, I was friends with my IPs long before surrogacy came up and sometimes it was still hard to talk with them about how I was feeling or what I needed because this is a unique and stressful process.
Another potential huge con with self-matching is that all the pieces involved in the process are on you. That means that contacting the clinic, knowing the next steps, finding a lawyer, keeping up with your med calendar, everything; it’s all on you. And as the adage goes: You don’t know what you don’t know. That leaves a chance that if you aren’t well educated in surrogacy an important step could be missed. Self-matching is always an option, and works really well for a number of people, it’s just an option to be cautious of because there are some steps that are vitally important to the process.
Even if self-matching, these things are very important:
- Each Party – IPs and GC must have their own attorney (one of the attorneys must be in the state in which the baby will be born) – A good lawyer would NEVER allow either party to not have their own representation
- Baby needs to be born in a state in which IPs can legally be named the parents (through a pre-birth order or other appropriate legal documents), the following link is a map about laws and surrogacy friendly states: https://www.creativefamilyconnections.com/us-surrogacy-law-map/
- Escrow/expense account should be established for any cost reimbursement, the surrogate should never have to ask or wait for money, most lawyers will require this. If going independent it’s tempting to skip this step, but it’s all the more vital without the buffer of an agency to have a neutral party managing the money.
- Health insurance review – You want a professional to ensure the surrogate’s insurance is surrogate friendly and not have a lien or exclusionary clause.
All that being said, it can be done! I did it and so did Amber! The end goal is to help someone with their dream of growing their family whether self-matching or using a matching entity.
Amanda Kinnard-Fuchsgruber is a Case Manager for Colorado Surrogacy [www.coloradosurro.com]. She lives with her husband and two boys. She was a previous gestational carrier for friends on an independent journey and still loves getting updates on how he’s growing and thriving- you can hear all about her journey here [https://soundcloud.com/iwtpabiy/episode-38-amanda-kinnard-fuchsgrubers-surrogacy-journeya-viewpoint-on-independent-matches].
