“You worked with a… a… surrogate??? You mean… like… *that movie*???”
If I had a penny for every time I heard that, I’d be a millionaire.
Embedded in that question are so, so many others. Questions like:
What if she turns out to be crazy? Aren’t you worried she will use drugs or drink heavily during the pregnancy?
Aren’t you afraid she will try to keep the baby? Does she have any legal rights to the baby?
What will her emotional connection be with the baby, will there be any sort of weird co parenting arrangement with her forevermore?
Do you have to keep in touch with her after the pregnancy is over?
Are you going to bond with the baby the same way?
What will you tell the child about this?
Are you *really* going to be the parent(s)? I mean… the REAL parent(s)? In every sense?
My friends and family were mostly completely unfamiliar with having a baby via Gestational Carrier, it seemed weird to nearly everyone I knew and they were worried on my behalf. Nobody, me included, didn’t know what we didn’t know. The only exposure most people have to surrogacy is either “Baby Mama” or a million lifetime movies where everything that could possibly go wrong, did. So I decided to take the opportunity in this article to address some common fears and worries from an IP perspective.
First, let’s talk about all those movies. Pretty much everything that could go wrong did in them. But here’s the thing to remember, when things go wrong that’s when they make a movie about it, otherwise there’s no dramatic storyline. When things in surrogacy (more typically) go right, there’s nothing particularly 
dramatic for people to salivate over and repeat to each other. It’s reminds me of that often heard “Oh, just adopt and then you’ll get pregnant.” While there is so much just inherently wrong in this statement, starting with the fact that it implies that an adopted child is only a means to having a biological child as opposed to fulfilling dreams of parenthood themselves, not to mention perpetuating the myth that “just relaxing” cures infertility, statistically speaking, that statement is utterly and completely false anyway. The rate of people who spontaneously become pregnant (after struggling with infertility) post adoption is the same as for those who have struggled with infertility who do not choose to adopt. In this situation, if there’s no unexpected pregnancy, there’s nothing to talk about. When there is something unexpected that happens, people naturally talk about it and this makes it seem like this is far more common than it actually is. The same is true for surrogacy arrangements gone sour and/or which completely go off the rails. So take every movie you’ve ever seen on this subject and permanently throw it into your mental dumpster. Now set it on fire and walk away!
Now let’s get to answering these questions…
- What if the surrogate turns out to be crazy and/or drink heavily/use drugs during the pregnancy?
This is a fear that is not solely that of IP’s, GC’s can have this same fear about IP’s being mentally unstable. And let’s face it, there can be bad apples and scammers on both sides of this. This fear however, can be eliminated by working with a good agency that you trust.
For my four journeys I matched independently, mainly for financial reasons. I wanted to save money by not paying an agency fee and thought I could find a GC on my own just as easily. Yet again, I didn’t know what I didn’t know because both of those assumptions on my part turned out to be patently untrue and, in hindsight, doing things differently would have saved me a lot of money and, more importantly, a lot of heartbreak and wasted time. First, I had a friend offer and then back out which, emotionally, was just like another miscarriage. I then found someone who I thought was a great fit, I visited her at home, met her kids, did contracting and started the process. She passed the psych evaluation and medical clearance with flying colors. It was a fresh cycle so we had started meds when her email bounced. I thought that was odd but waited a few days and emailed again. Same result. Then I called her and found her phone was disconnected. I assumed she had had a change of heart and just didn’t want to tell me. I was crushed but then called the insurance company through which I had purchased a medical plan for her. Since there had been no claims made on it they offered to refund it, however they would only refund it to the person on the policy, namely her. I explained over and over the situation and escalated it several times but they wouldn’t budge and cut the check to her and mailed it to her. They confirmed that it had been cashed a few weeks later and I never heard from her again. Change of heart or original plan, she scammed me. I lost all the money from the insurance company deposit in addition to all the money from the canceled IVF cycle including medications. All this alone easily would have paid for an agency fee, a few times over. The next candidate I met I saw the red flags for before agreeing to match with her but I’m certain she was not on the up and up because too many parts of her story did not add up. The fourth woman I met seemed great until I discovered that she had contracted with an agency but was also looking for IP’s on her own at the same time, so she was being dishonest with the agency. It was at this point I believe, that I called up a good friend who had experience with surrogacy, owner of this blog, Sharon LaMothe. I’m not sure if she remembers the phone call but I remember being in tears that I now had four failed independent matches under my belt and wondered out loud if this would ever work or if I was just cursed. Sharon listened to all of it and, in between my sobs, gave me several pieces of great advice and was incredibly kind throughout. Though she wasn’t running an agency at the time (I would have signed on in a heartbeat if she had been) she gave me the name of a woman she knew who had been a GC before and might be interested in being a Gestational Carrier again. This woman ultimately became my first GC.
Though my four successful matches were all done independently and ultimately all worked out exceptionally well, in hindsight I would have saved myself a lot of heartbreak and countless months of wasted time had I just gone with an agency in the first place. Before I met the GC that Sharon introduced me to, I had spent countless hours of my time interviewing potential matches, driving all over the place (and paying for hotels, gas, restaurant meals etc.) so I could meet them and wasted months in a search that a good agency would have done far more efficiently and far more competently as well. Not only will a good agency screen Gestational Carriers (and IP’s) to make sure everyone is on the up and up and in the right frame of mind, they will make sure a GC is not a drug user or smoker, does not drink heavily during the pregnancy, ensure a GC passes a psychological/mental health evaluation and does not carry any communicable diseases. The agency will also actually (counter intuitively, I know) save IP’s money both in avoiding scams, not paying travel costs for interviews and save a whole lot of time and potentially heartbreak as well. That’s just the tip of the iceberg regarding what a good agency will do, however that’s better left for a different article.
- Are you worried she will try to keep the baby? Does she have any legal rights to do so?
This question always makes me laugh because when I think of my GC’s nothing seems more ludicrous. Now granted, when they are faceless, nameless women in your head and just the *idea* of a GC as opposed to a specific actual living, breathing woman, yes, that can be a scary thought. But the reality is that most Gestational Carriers are motivated by altruism. They want to help another family and get great satisfaction from doing so. But even if that weren’t the case, a typical surrogate is pretty fertile. If she wanted another baby, she would just have one of her own, she wouldn’t want mine. Finally, my Gestational Carriers gave birth in a surrogacy friendly state so, even if she wanted to, she legally could not keep my children since she did not have a genetic/biological connection to any of them. This again goes back to working with a good agency who will refer you to a lawyer who has experience in surrogacy law in the state your Gestational Carrier lives in and will ensure that the Gestational Carrier understands and is prepared for any potential post-birth emotions.
As a side note, most of the legal issues arise with traditional surrogacy as opposed to gestational surrogacy. In traditional surrogacy the surrogate is also the genetic/biological mother of the child because her own eggs have been used to create the embryo/pregnancy. In gestational surrogacy, the woman who carries the baby, the Gestational Carrier, has no genetic connection to the baby she is carrying since her eggs were not used to create the pregnancy. Traditional surrogacy has largely fallen out of favor mainly due to the legal gray areas that are inherent to that process. Even if Intended Parents do not have eggs readily available, they will generally contract with an egg donor (who is a different person than their Gestational Carrier) and use her eggs to create their embryos, which will then be transferred to the uterus of the Gestational Carrier.
- What will her emotional connection be with the baby, will there be any sort of weird co-parenting arrangement with her forevermore?
This is another one that, in hindsight, makes me laugh because knowing what I know now, a weird co-parenting arrangement is also utterly ludicrous. Going into a surrogacy arrangement everyone should understand that as soon as the baby is born, things are nearly exactly as if the IP(s) had given birth. The baby immediately goes on the insurance plan of the IP(s), they make all medical decisions for the baby, obviously name the baby and then take him/her home as soon as the hospital releases him/her. There is no co-parenting whatsoever, the IP(s) are the only parents of the child in every sense.
As far as the emotional connection to the child, this no doubt varies a bit from GC to GC. My GC’s have told me that they feel exactly the same towards my children as they would about the children of any other close friend. They are happy the child has loving parents and rightfully proud that they could help the IP’s grow their family in this way but also go into this knowing that they child is not theirs, therefore there are no parental feelings towards the baby from the Gestational Carrier nor would any feel like they should have any input on parental/family decisions regarding the child.
- Do you have to keep in touch with her after the pregnancy is over?
In a word, no. There is no obligation to keep in touch in any way, to write letters, share photos etc. as there can be with other situations like open adoptions. That said, as an IP, yes, I do feel gratitude towards my GC’s. They gave me my children, how could I not be grateful?! Before they came into my life, I had experienced the devastation of infertility and multiple miscarriages and these women were the only ones who reached out and helped me out of that terrible place. Each one of them embodied the spirit of altruism and kindness in ways that most people can’t ever even comprehend. Most people simply do not have it in them to give such a huge gift to another family that start out as strangers. So no, I don’t HAVE to keep in touch with any of them, but my personal feelings are “why *wouldn’t* I want to?”. These are some of the kindest, most empathetic women on the planet! I’m honored and grateful for their continued friendship and they are the kind of people who are my first choice to keep in my life. All four became good friends along the way and I was very lucky in that all four now feel like the sisters I never had. My final GC in fact, is now also my business partner and we’ve opened our own surrogacy consulting agency called Special Deliveries, LLC.
That said, that doesn’t always happen. Sometimes both sides are content post birth to allow the relationship to cool. And that’s ok too. A good surrogacy arrangement is one where all parties know and agree on what to expect before, during and post pregnancy.
- Are you going to bond with the baby the same way?
I was very lucky in that I was able to have one live birth, unfortunately with multiple miscarriages both before and after, prior to pursuing surrogacy. I can tell you from experience that my feelings towards my oldest child and my feelings towards the children I have via surrogacy are exactly the same. Whether I gave birth to them or not had absolutely zero effect on my bonding with them and the maternal love I feel for each one of them.
- What will you tell the child about this?
The answer to this question obviously will vary with the age of the child, however I believe in being open with them about their origins. Starting from the time they were old enough to have a conversation about it, I let them know using age appropriate language that I did not give birth to them, “mom’s tummy is broken” eventually became “I had had several miscarriages” as they got older. Given that my Gestational Carriers are still in my life, this was easier because I could just tell them that XYZ gave birth to them. I am not ashamed of how my children came into the world and I think it’s important to normalize it for their sake. Sure, it’s not how babies typically arrive into the world, but maybe that makes their grand entrance even more special, and it sure as heck proves, without a shadow of a doubt, how much they were loved and hoped for, dreamed of and wanted, and loved for years before they were born. Now isn’t *that* a pretty awesome birth story that any child can feel good about?
- Are you *really* going to be the parent(s)? I mean… the REAL parent(s)? In every sense?
This one is easy: YES! FINALLY! YES!
Ok, that’s an easy answer so let me expound a bit on it… First, you may question the sanity of the nurses at the hospital for letting you leave with this baby and entrusting you to take care of this perfect little being. Can’t they see you don’t have the slightest idea what you’re doing? Yet somehow you will make it through that first night home with your baby and every night thereafter. You will wonder every day if you’re doing things right and you’ll make many, many mistakes along the way. As the days turn into weeks and months and then years you will find your groove, love your child more each day and more than you ever thought it was possible to love another human being and become the best parent to your unique child. Your weirdness will match and align with their weirdness. You will be the person who makes their favorite meals, teaches them to ride a bike and cleans up the vomit on the sheets at 3am. And they will try your patience, oh how they will try your patience and turn your hair gray! But at the end of the day, you will go to bed knowing that every day with this child is infinitely better than any day you lived through without them in your life and you won’t ever regret a single moment. So, in a word, yes, you will be the real parent, in every sense there is.
Susanna Gedaro is the happy mother of 7 children, 6 of whom arrived via gestational surrogacy following years of failed fertility treatments and multiple miscarriages. She matched independently four times with four amazing gestational carriers, the final one of which was Tracy King. Susanna has been a local Resolve volunteer and leader since 2000 and continues to lead Central Florida Resolve meetings, which assist people in coping with infertility. Tracy King is a gestational carrier who matched twice, once with an agency and once independently, and gave birth in 2014 to Susanna's beautiful, healthy youngest daughter.
Susanna is an engineer by training and worked in the field for many years. Tracy spent several decades in the business sector, both in Human Resources and real estate and still holds an active Florida real estate license. Tracy and Susanna have been speakers on surrogacy both jointly and separately at several local and national events and have helped many, many people achieve their dreams of a family along the way over the years. Currently they co-own the surrogacy consulting agency Special Deliveries, LLC, LLC in Orlando, Florida and are proud members of SEEDS, (Society for Ethics in Egg Donation and Surrogacy) and the ASRM (The American Society for Reproductive Medicine).
Susanna and Tracy continue to not only be business partners, former IP/GC matches, but also BFFs. Because of their combined experience with both sides of this process, IP and GC, they understand this process inside and out and from all angles and utilize that experience to ensure their clients have as joyful and fulfilling journeys as they have had themselves.
