Surrogacy 101

How to Tell Your Children You Are Going to Be A Surrogate-From the Family Inceptions Blog

From the Family Inceptions Blog

The idea of introducing your kids to surrogacy can seem like an overwhelming thought. It seems only logical that telling your children that there will be a new baby, one that won’t be coming home to them, would be emotionally challenging for children. This fear can be crippling to surrogates since the love and protection of their own children is often a motivating factor for choosing surrogacy in the first place. The good news is that, by and large, these fears are larger in your head than they will ever be in practice.

Research has shown us that children are resilient. They often mirror our own emotions, so approaching your new choice as one of excitement is crucial. The key to a successful reveal to your children is rooted in age-appropriate information and open, honest communication. So, what do we mean by that?

Tell Them Early

Psychologists tell us that when children feel like they are a part of the decision making process, or at least as though their thoughts and feelings are taken into consideration, they manage well with “big” news. Surrogacy is certainly big news! We encourage you to tell your children about surrogacy early, especially if they’re old enough to understand pregnancy. You don’t want them to feel as though you kept a secret from them. When you tell them about your choice early and frame it as a family choice, you give validity to their questions and concerns.

Encourage Their Questions

Allow your children to ask questions and respond with respect and patience. The answer should never be, “Because we decided that we were doing this.” Focus on the good that comes from this. The good that comes to your family, the intended parent’s family, and the world as a whole. Be kind, patient, and empathetic to their concerns. Know that as the belly grows, so too will the questions. Let your children know that you’ll respond to new questions as they arise and that no questions are off limits.

Build a Relationship

If your intended parents and your spouse are comfortable with the idea, consider an introduction. When your children can put faces to the names of the parents, they become real. Consider framing a photo of the parents and keeping it in plain view during your pregnancy. This gives them a firm foundation in the reality that the baby growing inside your belly has a home as well as parents that already love the child and are eagerly awaiting his or her arrival.

Be Age Appropriate

Don’t expect to share this news with your 15-year-old and your 5-year-old at the same time. Their reactions will be quite different, and so will their questions. You’ll want to share information about the process that is appropriate for the age, and use language that suits your child’s maturity level as well. Younger children don’t need to know about the intricacies of IVF in the same way that a teenager, who understands how babies are made, may need to have explained to them. Additionally, expect older children and teens to meet you with more suspicion and disapproval at first. Give them age-appropriate space, but don’t minimize their reaction to your news.

Make it a Family Affair

Finally, consider making surrogacy a family affair. Family Inceptions Events and Communication Manager Mandy Storer (also a two-time surrogate!) tells us that her family adopted the motto, “We are not a family with a surrogate in it. We are a surrogate family.” Everyone in your family will play a role in this life-affirming journey. Allow your children to be a part of the experience, and encourage them to be excited about how they can help. You may find that they identify with this journey and begin to positively identify themselves as part of this community as well.

If you have additional questions or concerns about telling your children about surrogacy, or about any bumps in the road surrounding your children’s reaction to the news, please reach out to us. We’ve been through this reveal ourselves and understand the unique reactions that children can sometimes have. We’re here to help every member of your family feel empowered about this incredible journey that you’re all on together.

 

To read more great blog posts, please visit Family Inceptions

Planning a Surrogacy? Top 10 things NOT to DO ever!

You need a surrogate and made the decision to go at your search for the perfect woman alone in order to save money. Research, of course, is a must but you will soon find that all this new information can be overwhelming. I am going to post a short list of 10 don't's when planning a surrogacy arrangement whether it be traditional or gestational. Do you have a "Don't" to add to this list? Please comment! Other's can learn from you!

 

1) Don't work with a woman under the age of 21

 

2) Don't work with a woman who has never given birth to a child of her own

 

3) Don't use a contract downloaded from the Internet with no legal guidance

 

4) Don't use the sperm from an ex boyfriend

 

5) Don't work with a Surrogate who lives in a state that makes "commercial surrogacy contracts" are unenforceable

 

6) Don't participate in home sperm insemination's

 

7) Don't have the compensation payments to your surrogate come directly from you-use an escrow agent

 

8) Don't forget to pay all the bills regarding the surrogacy in a timely manner

 

9) Don't have your surrogate stay with you at your home for over a week if at all possible

 

10) Don't forget the Psychological Evaluation

 

Of course there is much more to a surrogacy arrangement then these 10 situations. It's in your best interest to learn all you can before moving forward!

National Infertility Awareness Week: My Turn To #Flipthescript and #Talkabouttrying

In the interest of National Infertility Awareness Week I thought I would take the time to share my story of personal struggle becoming pregnant with my second child. Secondary infertility is no joke and when you had no troubles becoming pregnant with your first (wanted but not planned) you go into that phase of adding onto your family thinking that it will be as easy as stopping your birth control pill. Not so, at least not for me!

My son was 3 in 1989 when my husband and I decided to add a number two in the child category of our family of four. I say family of four because we had my elderly grandmother living with us at the time. (She was in our care from age 89 to age 100 but that is another story.)

 

When I didn't get pregnant as planned that first year of trying, I decided to ask my OBGYN about my options. (Notice I say "my" options because my husband was never involved! No one asked him to come to an appointment nor was his sperm tested....it was decided that it must be a problem with me!) She told me not to worry and gave me a couple of prescriptions including clomid. Needless to say to those of you who have taken clomid, life's a bitch and I was the biggest one in my house! It did nothing good for my attitude nor for getting me pregnant. Taking my basal body temperature Every Single Day on top of it all just made matters worse and me sinking further into a funk.

 

I finally gave up on that avenue of procreation. My OB said that I could go to a fertility clinic but that would have cost money we didn't have and, honestly, I now had my hands full with a 4 year old and a 94 year old! I stopped everything and simply lived my life with flashes of what might have been while I taking care of my friends children on occasion. My in-laws often asked when we were going to give our son a brother or sister until one day I just snapped and told them that no other siblings were on the way and to please stop asking! (I think that is the polite version of my reply.)

 

Fast forward to 1995 when on vacation in Las Vegas/ CA/ Grand Canyon with my in-laws, their friends and our son. My husband, son and I rented a car and broke away from our main group to visit California and I started to get sick. Really ill and miserable, I made noises about finding a clinic to give me something, anything, so I could finish our trip. My husband insisted that I must be pregnant and he and my then soon to be 9 year old went to the nearest drug store to buy a pregnancy test. (and a rose and some chocolate and a blueberry muffin...) It had been a LONG while since I had taken a home pregnancy test and, certain I was NOT pregnant, that this was all food poising! I had my son read the box while I went into the bathroom to pee on the stick. When I came out wondering what I was supposed to look for (no easy + sign or spelled out results like it is now) my son looked at the test and then fell off his bed dramatically, like a teenager who just realized his girlfriend was pregnant! "You ARE pregnant, MOM" he shouted! And then, "You didn't 'you know'!!??" worried that his father and I had had sex while he was in the same room on our vacation. I was in shock and my husband was smug and I couldn't even think how in the world this could have happened.

 

We welcomed our daughter in 1996, a few months less than 10 years between our two kids. No miscarriages, or stillbirths but the haunting monthly (or bi-monthly or quarterly)  proof that I had failed to provide a sibling for our son slowly diminished as I threw myself into caring for our family of 5 (my grandmother passed away in 1999).

 

After my daughter was born I did feel a connection to those who couldn't have children at all or struggled with secondary infertility. Which was why, I think, volunteering (after a medical exam and discussion) to be a gestational surrogate for friends of ours in Florida, (who struggled having their first and wanted a sibling), was not such a shock for my husband. We both knew just how that felt. Long story short, I was able to be a surrogate twice and that changed my life forever. From secondary infertility survivor to gestational carrier to working with a third party reproductive attorney to agency owner to consultant, I have been able to touch so many lives and share my story with hundreds of hopeful intended parents and surrogates over the past 20 years. 

 

National Infertility Awareness Week is a time for me to reflect on why I do what I do and to come out and #flipthescript and #talkabouttrying. 

Let's all come together, not just for NIAW but everyday and talk about these issues. You are not alone and neither am I! Let's not have one more person feel segregated and misunderstood. We all have important stories to share. Thank you for reading mine!

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Surrogacy in Washington State; Are YOU Interested in Changing Lives?

Surrogacy in Washington State; Are YOU Interested in Changing Lives?

Did you hear that the governor of Washington State has signed a NEW bill into law regarding compensated surrogacy? Starting January 1st 2019 women in Washington, who desire to help someone by carrying a baby for them, can do just that and be compensated for their time and dedication. Being a surrogate isn't an easy job, as you might remember from your own pregnancies, but it is rewarding and guaranteed to be a life changing experience. There are many issues to consider with surrogacy. If you are interested in speaking with me about all that surrogacy involves, I would be more than happy to answer your questions. I was a gestational surrogate twice, giving birth to two sets of twins for two different couples! I enjoy sharing my own experiences plus what I have learned throughout the past 20 years of being a consultant! You can email me at [email protected]. Most requirements for a woman to be qualified to act as a gestational surrogate are based on the expectations of doctors and clinics and the laws that are in place (that vary state to state in some cases). Agency’s also have their own list of what their clients are looking for in a surrogate. If you feel that you have the qualities listed below, I would love to talk with you about what your next steps might involve!  

• Must be a resident of a surrogacy friendly state (WA 2019!!)
• Between the ages of 21 and 40
• Uncomplicated Pregnancy/Birth at least once* (no more than 2 C-sections)
• Healthy (no STD's, HIV, *some medications ok)
• Parenting own child/children
• No criminal history
• Health Insurance with maternity coverage* (If you don't have this, the Intended Parents will provide for you)
• A stable income
• Reliable transportation
• No Medicaid/State Insurance*
• A non-smoker/not exposed to smoke OR non-marijuana (cannabis) user and no vaping
• No history of drug or alcohol problems
• Have a spouse, significant other or another support system who’s supportive of the decision to become a Surrogate Mother
• Have a healthy weight/height ratio* (BMI)
• Loves being pregnant and have the desire to give the miracle of life  

• case by case

I look forward to hearing from you soon!

This call is FREE OF CHARGE for those women considering surrogacy and just want some answers!

Sharon LaMothe 

LaMothe Surrogacy Consulting
http://LaMotheSurrogacyConsulting.com 

Issaquah, WA 98027

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Update on the Washington State Uniform Parentage Bill on Compensated Surrogacy Arrangements- SB6037

SB6037 has now been heard in the WA House and will be voted on next week with no real wrinkles that I am aware of. With the testimony of Jennifer Tammen (Former IP), Jon Tammen (17 year old son born via surrogacy in CA) and Melissa Flaherty (The wonderful CA Gestational Carrier for the Tammen's who has now testified twice this year in favor of our surrogacy bill), are among the many who have offered both the senate and the house their support of SB6037 and have encouraged the members to think of those suffering from infertility here in WA state and how much of an emotional and financial burden it is to be so far apart during the surrogacy process. 

Jon Tammen and Melissa Flaherty in Olympia 2018

Below is the Brief Summary of Engrossed Substitute Bill. I will be sure to post more about Bill SB6037 as it goes for a vote next week!

Surrogacy Agreements.
New provisions are established governing both gestational surrogacy agreements and genetic
surrogacy agreements. A gestational surrogate is a woman who agrees to become pregnant
through assisted reproduction using gametes that are not her own, while a genetic surrogate is a
woman who agrees to become pregnant through assisted reproduction using her own gamete.

In order to act as a surrogate, a woman must:
*be at least 21 years of age;
*have previously given birth to at least one child but not enter into more than two
surrogacy agreements that result in the birth of a child;
*complete a medical evaluation and mental health consultation; and
*have independent legal representation of her choice throughout the surrogacy
arrangement.

Each intended parent under a surrogacy agreement must be at least 21 years of age, complete a
medical evaluation and mental health consultation, and have independent legal representation
throughout the surrogacy arrangement.

House Bill Analysis - 5 - ESSB 6037
A surrogacy agreement must comply with the following requirements:
*at least one party must be a resident of the state, or at least one medical evaluation or
procedure or mental health consultation must occur in the state;
*the agreement must be in a record, signed by each party, and attested by a notarial officer
or witnessed;
*counsel for the woman acting as a surrogate and the intended parent or parents must be
identified in the surrogacy agreement;
*the intended parents must pay for legal representation for the woman acting as a
surrogate; and
*the agreement must be executed before the occurrence of a medical procedure related to
the agreement.

 

A surrogacy agreement must also comply with other requirements, including that: each intended
parent immediately upon birth will be the parents of the child and assume financial responsibility
for the child, regardless of the number of children born or the gender or mental or physical
condition of each child; and the woman acting as a surrogate must be permitted to make all
health and welfare decisions regarding herself and the pregnancy. A surrogacy agreement may
provide for payment of consideration, reasonable expenses, and reimbursement of expenses if the
agreement is terminated.

Genetic surrogacy agreements must be validated by the superior court in a proceeding
commenced before the assisted reproduction. A party may terminate a surrogacy agreement at
any time before a gamete or embryo transfer. Under a genetic surrogacy agreement, the woman
acting as a surrogate may withdraw consent to the agreement at any time before 48 hours after
the birth of the child by providing each intended parent with notice. A woman acting as a
surrogate is not liable for a penalty or liquidated damages for terminating the agreement except
in a case involving fraud.

Upon birth of a child under a gestational surrogacy agreement, each intended parent is by
operation of law a parent of the child and neither the woman acting as a surrogate nor her spouse
or former spouse is a parent of the child. Each intended parent under a court-validated genetic
surrogacy agreement is a parent of a child conceived under the agreement.

Where an intended parent dies before the gamete or embryo transfer, the intended parent is not a
parent of the child unless the agreement provides otherwise and the transfer occurs not later than
36 months after the death of the intended parent or the birth occurs not later than 45 months after
the death of the intended parent.

A party may institute a proceeding for an order or judgment regarding parentage under a
surrogacy agreement. Provisions are established governing the effect and enforceability of
surrogacy agreements, including the effect of nonvalidated genetic surrogacy agreements and
remedies available for breach of an agreement. Unless otherwise ordered by a court, a petition
and other documents related to a surrogacy agreement are not open to inspection except by the
parties to the proceeding, a child conceived by assisted reproduction under the agreement, their
attorneys, and the State Registrar for Vital Statistics.

Information About Donor. More specific standards are established regarding the requirement for
a gamete bank or fertility clinic to collect and maintain records of a donor's identifying
House Bill Analysis - 6 - ESSB 6037

Information and medical history. A gamete bank or fertility clinic must obtain a declaration from
the donor regarding whether or not the donor agrees to disclose the donor's identity to a child
conceived with the donor's gametes once the child turns 18 years of age. Upon request, a gamete
bank or fertility clinic must make a good faith effort to provide a child conceived by assisted
reproduction access to nonidentifying medical history of the donor and identifying information
of the donor unless the donor signed a declaration stating that the donor does not agree to
disclosure of identifying information.

Other Provisions. The act applies to a pending proceeding to adjudicate parentage commenced
before the effective date of the act for an issue on which a judgment has not been entered.
Regulations are established governing a surrogacy broker that arranges or facilitates surrogacy
transactions if: the surrogacy broker does business in Washington; a surrogate who is a party to a
surrogacy agreement resides in Washington during the term of the agreement; or any medical
procedures under the agreement are performed in Washington.

Appropriation: None.
Fiscal Note: Requested on February 14, 2018.
Effective Date: The bill takes effect on January 1, 2019. 

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WA State and the Uniform Parentage Act Bill 6037 Will Change the Lives of Many!

I traveled to Olympia yesterday to support the new SB 6037 Uniform Parentage Action Bill.  I was told that within the next week or so we will know if it moves on. There are several parts to this bill but the biggest hitch is the surrogacy portion. Most of us feel that this will be the best law regarding surrogacy in the USA. I invite you all to read it yourself and comment here, PM me on Facebook or email me as I would love to hear your thoughts. NEW SECTION. Sec. 702. ELIGIBILITY TO ENTER GESTATIONAL OR GENETIC SURROGACY AGREEMENT. http://lawfilesext.leg.wa.gov/.../Senate%20Bills/6037.pdf 
I hope to be testifying when the bill reaches the House. I will keep you all posted. This will mean some big changes for WA state! The entire state would be open to new possibilities in the realm of Third Party Family Building!

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#SurrogacyMyth: You can't become a Gestational Surrogate if your tubes are tied

Many women have said “I would love to be a surrogate but I have had my tubes tied.” They are very surprised to learn that, indeed, a tubal ligation will not prevent them from helping a couple become a family!

A tubal ligation is a permanent form of birth control, true.  After this procedure has been performed, an egg cannot move from the ovary through the tubes (a woman has two Fallopian tubes), and eventually to the uterus. Also, sperm cannot reach the egg in the Fallopian tube after ovulation (release of an egg from the ovary.) To become a Gestational Carrier, where you are not using your own eggs or tubes and therefore a woman can become a surrogate even if her tubes have been tied. (You cannot become a traditional surrogate where you would be using your own eggs.)

If this is the only thing holding you back from becoming a surrogate, I suggest that you find an agency and see what else you need to do to qualify as a gestational carrier. You will be glad you did!

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#SurrogacyMyth: It doesn't matter how over weight you are, you can still be a surrogate mother/gestational carrier

I cannot express how much it pains me to tell someone with a BMI of 36 that she is not qualified to become a surrogate mother especially when she is qualified in every other way! I know agency owners feel the same way. Many times, a wonderful woman, mother of 4, loves being pregnant, mid 30s, responsible and caring, no medical issues other than she is overweight is rejected because she needs to lose 30 lbs. Who made up these “rules”? The Reproductive Endocrinologist and the findings within the fertility community! And why, you ask? Because, for Intended Parents, surrogacy is their last best shot at having a family of their own and statics show that overweight people often don’t do as well via IVF as women within the normal range.

A high BMI indicates obesity:

A standard medical definition of "normal" body weight is a BMI of about 18.5 - 24.9

A BMI under 18.5 indicates that the person is "underweight"

A BMI of 25.0 - 29.9 indicates that the individual is "overweight", but not obese

A BMI over 30 indicates obesity

A BMI over 40 indicates extreme obesity

Obesity is associated with increased risk for several serious disease processes and that isn’t good for the surrogate or the baby she is carrying. The suggestion I often give out to women in the mid 30 BMI range is to start changing their eating profile and make some lifestyle changes. I hate saying “diet” because this weight has to stay off and healthy choices have to be maintained throughout the pregnancy. Give yourself 3-6 months to lose the weight and then try applying again to the agency of your choice.

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#SurrogacyMyth: You can be a surrogate even if you have never been pregnant

I have heard women say “Since I don’t want children of my own, I would be the perfect surrogate” or "I don’t want my own baby but I do want to experience pregnancy” or “I know I want children later but I want to be a surrogate now”. To all these women, if I feel they would be qualified, I say “What about egg donation because you are not qualified to be a surrogate”. Many sighs of disappointment and questions of “why not”? (Are you digging the quotes?)

Here are the main reasons that someone who has never had a baby should not be a surrogate:

*There is no previous experience with pregnancy and birth. No one knows what complications this body may have.

*Not sure if there would be any fertility issues

*No personal knowledge of the discomforts of pregnancy

*No personal knowledge of the pain of the birthing process

*Possible emotional issues through out

I have heard of surrogates without previous pregnancy experience be successful but that is almost always for a family member. Some clinics or doctors will make an exception in these cases. Again I remind my readers that the surrogacy process is costly with the Intended Parents investing thousands and thousands of dollars and having someone that has proven that she can carry and give birth to at least one healthy baby is an important part of the process.

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#SurrogacyMyth: Intended Parents have no right to know their surrogate's medical history

 

Once all parties make the beginning steps toward becoming part of a surrogacy arrangement, separately or together, all of past medical issues will be revealed. (At least the ones that have to do with pregnancy, fertility, any transmitted diseases, depression etc.) Everyone has to sign medical waivers and the surrogate will know the back ground of the IPs just as the IPs will know the medical background of their surrogate. The RE/clinic will also have records pertaining to past pregnancies of the surrogate or IVF cycles involving the Intended Parents. Nothing can be secret or sacred when the health of the surrogate is at stake or the best chances for the embryo. If you have something to hide then surrogacy in the USA is not for you.

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#SurrogacyMyth: 2nd hand cigarette or pot smoke is not a concern during a surrogacy pregnancy

This is a total myth as everyone knows how dangerous second-hand smoke is to pregnant women as well as other adults and children. If you are exposed to second-hand smoke during pregnancy, both you and your baby are put at risk. Some of the health conditions associated with being exposed to second-hand smoke are a miscarriage, low birth weight, early birth, learning or behavioral deficiencies in your child, and Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS). Third-hand smoke is the residue left behind by cigarettes on furniture, in rugs, in paint, etc.  Third-hand smoke can stick around for months or years. If a place smells like smoke, even if no one is currently smoking, it is a safe bet there is tobacco residue there. You can read more about second and third hand smoke and pregnancy here: http://americanpregnancy.org/pregnancy-complications/second-hand-smoke-and-pregnancy/

All Surrogacy agreements have a non-smoking clause or at the very least a clause that states the surrogate will follow OBGYN’s orders/guidelines and in those orders is to not expose yourself to smoke or pollution of any kind (within reason) besides cigarette and marijuana smoke there are the chemical fumes from mani and pedicures, some hair dyes, and gasoline fumes to name a few sources.

Some women who want to become surrogates have partners or husbands who smoke. Even if they state they will only smoke outside the home, there is still that chance of 3^rd hand smoke in the car and on clothing. The best bet is to have everyone in the home to be non-smokers.

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#SurrogacyMyth: If the Intended Parents don't want twins, they will leave one baby for the surrogate to parent if she wants it.

Some people shake their heads over this #SurrogacyMyth but this thought has been voiced on more than one occasion. “Keeping one of the babies” comes up when a surrogate doesn’t want to go through a selective reduction and she thinks that the issue could be solved by her taking the responsibility of one child. There are so many reasons why this wouldn’t work. Who are the parents of these babies? The Intended Parents. Who is responsible for anything and everything that happens to these children after they are born? The Intended Parents. Most likely the contract states that the surrogate will agree to a selective reduction but now that the time has come, wants to change her mind, or wants the IPs to change their minds.

Can the Intended Parents force anyone to terminate a fetus? No, but they can state breach of contract and depending on how things are handled, a huge conflict between all parties will ruin the surrogacy relationship. If the surrogate decides to go against her agreement the IPs will still be completely responsible for all additional babies. Yes, the Intended Parents can put any and all of their children up for adoption at birth (or at any time; they are the parents) but I have found that most will keep any offspring that the surrogate gives birth to. There are rare exceptions, as always.

I personally don’t know of any gestational carriers who are raising someone else’s child that they, themselves, carried as a surrogate. If you know of someone, I would love to post their own personal story here.

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#SurrogacyMyth: If a woman has been pregnant in the past year or so, she shouldn't need a maternity clothing allowance

Ahhhh the Maternity Clothing Allowance, a topic of many a conversation. Most surrogacy arrangements have an amount of $750-$1000.00 earmarked for maternity clothing. In the case of twins, a surrogate may use that money around the 10^th week of pregnancy and for a singleton she may use it at around 12-14 weeks. Nothing stops anyone from buying clothing earlier from what the agreement states but the surrogate will not be reimbursed until the time agreed.

Some intended parents might ask a surrogate why she would need new maternity clothing especially if she had a baby within the past 2 years. Here are just a few reasons:

*She gave all of her maternity clothing away not thinking that she might need them again

*She had her last baby in the winter and will need a wardrobe for an entirely different season(s)

*She has a “professional” career and needs to update her wardrobe

*She has a job that requires a uniform and she needs to buy maternity sizes in order to continue working

*She tossed all of her old maternity undergarments and will need to buy new (comfortable bras and underwear often need replacing)

*She has an event that she will attend during her pregnancy and will need to buy appropriate clothing 

*She needs clothes for all reasons: Sleeping, playing, swimming, working, lounging, going out and staying in.

If your wife or significant other were carrying this baby, would you not expect her to buy clothing that was stylish and actually fit for her growing body? Case closed.

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#SurrogacyMyth: Criminal Background checks on both Intended Parents and Surrogates & their partners is a waste of money and time

Most Surrogacy Agencies hire a company to run background checks on their clients (IPs) and surrogate candidates, including husbands/partners. This is not because everyone is under suspicion. It just makes all parties more comfortable. You want to believe that people would be honest upfront but what is important for you to know may not be what they want to share. Now if you are working with someone that you know well; a family member or a close friend, you really don’t need to have a background check. But if you are working with someone you hardly know, maybe you met on the internet or by classified ad or it’s a friend of a friend of a friend, a background check is a good idea, for all parties. What are you looking for? DUI’s, drug conviction, child abuse, criminal charges and so forth. Anything that will give you pause about working together. It’s better to find things out before the contracts are signed then after. **NOTE Background checks for all involved (up to 4 people) should cost under $400.00. Not a bad price for a piece of mind!

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Surrogacy 101 Blog in Feedspot Top 50 Surrogacy Blogs

I received this message yesterday: 

"My name is Anuj Agarwal. I'm Founder of Feedspot.

I would like to personally congratulate you as your blog Surrogacy 101 has been selected by our panelist as one of the Top 50 Surrogacy Blogs on the web. 

http://blog.feedspot.com/surrogacy_blogs/

 

I personally give you a high-five and want to thank you for your contribution to this world. This is the most comprehensive list of Top 50 Surrogacy Blogs on the internet and I’m honored to have you as part of this!"

 

It's always nice to be validated and acknowledged and making the top 50 on the Internet for Surrogacy is pretty awesome! I hope that my dear readers also feel that the information found on Surrogacy 101 is helpful and easy to understand! I appreciate your continued support!

 

 Thank you!

Sharon LaMothe

LaMothe Services, LLC

http://LaMotheServices.com

LaMothe Surrogacy Consulting

http://LaMotheSurrogacyConsulting.com

InfertilityAnswers

http://InfertilityAnswers.org

#SurrogacyMyth: Any attorney can draw up a surrogacy contract so don't waste time vetting reproductive lawyers

Would you have a mail man sell your home for you just because he sees a lot of houses during his mail delivery route? NO? Well then don’t expect a family law attorney or a divorce lawyer to have the knowledge to draw up a surrogacy contract. It’s tempting to want to cut corners and save money but skimping on the contract phase is not the place to do that!

The gestational surrogacy contract, as well as the contracts for traditional surrogacy, are lengthy and complicated. The wording is very important and there are several sections outlining who is responsible for what and what happens under certain circumstances. It covers issues like what constitutes a breach of contract, who will be named guardian if something happened to the Intended Parents, what happens to the baby if it’s born with a deformity, and who is holding escrow and when are payments made? (Among many other things)

Make the investment and hire an attorney who knows the ins and outs of reproductive law. Not adoption law, not family law, but REPRODUCTIVE LAW. This lawyer can also handle the parentage actions needed to ensure that the Intended Parents names are on the birth certificate. If something should go wrong or there is a misunderstanding, the contract may hold the solutions.

The contract doesn’t promise that the humans who signed it will behave or that everything will go smoothly but it does make sure they everyone is following the “rules” and fulfilling expectations. A good surrogacy contract lends everyone a piece of mind during what can be a long and sometimes complicated process. Protect yourself and insist on the best lawyer for the job. (*NOTE: Both the IPs and the GC need their own attorneys, one lawyer to draw to up the contract and one to review the contract on behalf of the surrogate.)

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#SurrogacyMyth: Surrogates are in the business of selling babies

Can we all say the word ILLEGAL all together? Surrogacy does not equate the selling of babies. No matter what some say, any money a surrogate may make is nothing compared to a full-time job. What payments a surrogate does receive is to either assist her in taking care of herself or taking care of the unborn baby she carries OR reimbursements for co-pays or incidentals needed to follow her contract throughout the surrogacy process.

A first-time surrogate receives between $28-$34 thousand. That may look like a lot but the average surrogacy journey lasts for at least 15-18 months. At the high end, that’s $1888 per month (for those that hate math). I wonder how much day care costs per week these days? And that would be 5 days a week for 9-10 hours. If it were 24/7 I would hazard a bet that it would be more then 2k per month. There is a benefit package that often accompanies the base fee which includes reimbursements for things like lost wages, child care, housekeeping, and maternity clothing, to name a few. There is also compensation for invasive procedures like amniocentesis, C-sections or D&C’s.

In Gestational Surrogacy, women are volunteering to carry a baby for another person or couple. Yes, there is money involved. Payments are also made to the clinic, the egg donor, the RE, the attorney, the mental health professionals, the pharmacy, the OBGYN, and the hospital. This list doesn’t include any specialist that might be involved with the pregnancy/birth. Surrogacy is an expensive process no matter how you look at it.

The thing to remember is surrogacy is an unselfish feeling that has to start in the heart. Of course there are other reasons and rewards that women may want to be a surrogate but the main point is helping others have the children they need to make them parents. It’s simple really. People helping people, families helping families. What could be wrong with that?

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Handmaid’s Tale: Separating Fertility Fact from Fiction by Jennifer “Jay” Palumbo

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/handmaids-tale-separating-fertility-fact-from-fiction_us_59626fc3e4b0cf3c8e8d599d

Today I am sharing a great article from the Huffington Post written by Jennifer “Jay” Palumbo Writer, Public Speaker, Infertility and Women's Rights Advocate!  I was selected to participate in reading the 1985 version of the Handmaid's Tale by Margaret Atwood and then we discussed it during a Skype session and again on a phone conference AND then we answered more questions via email. Follow the link to see what we all thought about this controversial piece. If you also have read the book I know that we all would love to hear your take on it!

Here is one of my quotes (STRONG thoughts about this book and how it relates to Surrogacy): SHARON: I think they are very far from reality of surrogacy as it stands today here in the United States. Even in India, this would not be called surrogacy. This is rape. This is enslavement. This is kidnapping. This is inhumane.

Handmaid’s Tale: Separating Fertility Fact from Fiction

Below, some of my friends (who also happen to be fertility professionals) discuss the book based on the questions I put together after finally reading it. The questions below are more fertility focused but still hit on so many big issues. If YOU have read the book, I also hope you’ll share your comments below. For now, let me introduce you to the members of the book club! They are:

Sharon LaMothe - Surrogacy Expert

Annie Kuo - Principal of Emerald Fertility Consulting

Carrie Van Steen - Fertility Coach & Patient Advocate

Lisa Rosenthal - Strategic Content & Advocacy Lead at Reproductive Medicine Associates of Connecticut; Founder of Fertile Yoga: Fertility Activist

Me (Jennifer “Jay” Palumbo) – Your hostess who is a Freelance Writer, Infertility/Women’s Rights Advocate and a Marketing Strategy & Communications Consultant

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Watch The Handmaid's Tale Online Free Putlocker

The Handmaid's Tale: Faithful, episode 5 review - an indecent proposal

#SurrogacyMyth: If you are a gay couple you don't need a full medical checkup before you look for a surrogate mother

This is going to be a short post. If you are gay (or a single male) and are considering expanding your family via surrogacy, you need to have a full medical checkup first. If you are using your own sperm then you need a full Semen Analysis. Why? Because you don’t know how healthy your sperm is. A semen analysis measures three major factors of sperm health:

the number of sperm

the shape of the sperm

the movement of the sperm, also known as “sperm motility”

Doctors will often conduct two or three separate sperm analyses to get a good idea of sperm’s health. According to the American Association for Clinical Chemistry (AACC), the tests should be conducted at least seven days apart and over the course of two to three months. Sperm counts can vary on a daily basis.

Why go through all the work and expense of finding your egg donor, a gestational carrier or a traditional surrogate when you don’t know if you will also need a sperm donor or a little help with the egg fertilization? Look at your own health first and then move forward with the family building process.

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#SurrogacyMyth: As long as you are of legal age (18) & have had a baby, you can become a surrogate

Sorry but NO. Has it never happened before, an 18-year-old becoming a surrogate? I am sure it has in the past but there are many reasons that it is rare, especially in the USA. Here is my take on why it is best to wait until a woman is at least 21 to become a surrogate.

First, an 18-year-old with a baby, because she has to have had an uncomplicated pregnancy and birth AND parenting her own child as per most requirements, will have her hands full just parenting! Secondly, although she is of legal age to sign a contract, it could be challenged in court depending on the circumstances. Third, the rest of a woman’s fertile life has to be considered. There is a chance that she might lose her fertility due to a complication within the surrogacy pregnancy/birth. Although this is the same for older women it can be even more devastating for those under 21.

Very few 18-20 year old’s will pass the psychological evaluation due to maturity. Responsible and mature women with life experience make the better surrogate/carrier (one would hope). I know that statement will not be a popular one among those younger women but the truth is the surrogacy process is very expensive for Intended Parents. Upwards toward $125,000.00 and that means that the majority of the responsibility rests on the shoulders of the surrogate. She needs to take her part very seriously. A surrogate needs to follow all of the doctor’s orders. She needs to take all of her shots, pills, patches etc. at the right times. She needs to have reliable transportation to attend each and every appointment. She needs to take care of herself even if it means putting her own family on the back burner. If she is put on bedrest that means staying on bedrest, if she is told no sexual activities with her partner then that means NONE. If she is told she can’t lift more than 10 lbs. that means no picking up her 30-pound toddler. She needs to keep track of every receipt, bill, statement and parking permit throughout the process.

Needless to say, for those of you who are under 21 and dream about becoming a surrogate, just wait. Do all of your research, read the qualifications and requirements and be ready when the time comes to fill out that application. Your heart is in the right place and that is the first step!

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#SurrogacyMyth: Qualified women who want to become Gestational Carriers are so easy to find

Searching for someone to help you build your family is never easy no matter what you read in the magazines or online.  Because of the long list of requirements and qualifications, even the most warm hearted and kind women can be rejected for seemingly the simplest reasons. This makes it very difficult to find the right surrogacy candidates even for agencies. Think of it this way: First, the age group of 21-38 (sometimes through 40 depending), then only those who have had an uncomplicated pregnancy and birth are considered. Out of that group, healthy weight and lifestyle (BMI below 30, nonsmokers or drinkers, no STD’s or medical issues such as depression etc.) will continue on. The field is narrowed even further with only those women who are not on state or federal assistance and have their own transportation.

Now, if the woman you are looking for has passed all of these hurdles she still needs to pass a psychological and medical evaluation. More importantly she has to WANT to be a surrogate. Most women do not. They are raising their own families and/or have a career to consider. Or they hated being pregnant. These women may not have husbands or partners who would be supportive of the whole idea of surrogacy. Even if a woman wanted to be a surrogate and met every requirement listed above, if she lives in a state that criminalizes surrogacy, you are both out of luck.

On top of all of these guidelines, requirements, stipulations and so on….there are the “wish lists”. Intended Parents may want a woman who lives locally to them or at least in the same surrogacy friendly state, they may want someone who is of the same religion or race, or they may want someone who will follow a certain diet like vegan or vegetarian for example. They may want a “stay at home mom” or someone without very young children. How about a woman who has her own insurance that allows surrogacy arrangements? And what about her base fee? Low compensation in order to save money? Or maybe money isn’t a issue and the IPs are wanting someone who has been a surrogate before. Not just an experienced surrogate but a successful surrogate. Oh! And someone who would be willing to carry twins! The list can grow very long.

Let’s not forget the surrogate’s side of things. She has her own ideas on who she carries a baby for. She may want a couple who are gay….or not. She might consider carrying for someone who is single or International. She will want her husband or partner to like the Intended Parents too. She might want someone who will allow her to keep in touch after the birth, pump breast milk, or she has visions of lifelong friendship. Maybe she has plans for the money she will make as a surrogate so she is asking for top compensation for her services. She might sign on with an agency or feel like she can “go independent” with no representation. The surrogate’s list can be very long too!

Now I know I haven’t listed all possibilities but this post is just to highlight why finding a surrogate mother, gestational carrier is anything but easy. However, don’t give up hope! Keep your wish list short and your expectations reasonable. You can hire an agency to help you but know that it’s not usual for you to find a match in a week or even a month. These things take time and patience. Surrogacy is not for the faint hearted but for those who persevere.

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#SurrogacyMyth: DNA testing is not needed in the cases of Traditional Surrogacy arrangements

There was a recent surrogacy news article about a Dutch gay couple and their surrogate. She gave birth and the couple was very happy…until the DNA test came back and the baby was actually the Traditional Surrogate’s and her husband’s baby girl. How did this happen? Apparently, the surrogate and her husband had intercourse instead of abstaining when she should have. Needless to say, the gay couple had to give the baby back. You can read all about this case here: http://www.dutchnews.nl/news/archives/2017/05/gay-couple-told-to-hand-back-baby-to-surrogate-after-dna-tests/ ‘As gay parents, you actually have no rights,’ Janssen told the AD. ‘Everything depends on the mother’s willingness and good faith. Apart from an internet checklist, we had nothing on paper.’ It seems that they skipped may steps including drawing up a contract!

This is just one of many examples as to why hiring professionals to assist you during the surrogacy process is so important. DNA testing, especially within a traditional arrangement, can be so important. Don't skimp on surrounding yourself with knowledgeable and competent professionals.  

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#SurrogacyMyth: If a family member or friend volunteers to become your surrogate, she is automatically qualified by all professionals

It’s so nice when you are struggling to find someone to carry your baby for you, a person from your friends or family list steps up and volunteers to help you build your family in the most intimate of ways. Some may think that all they need to do is inform their clinic that they have found a woman to be their carrier and assume that the clinic will just walk them through the process. Not so! I strongly suggest that any IP or woman who wants to be a surrogate do some research before spending a dime.

As wonderful as an offer of surrogacy is, make sure that your friend or family member is qualified. After saying Thank YOU! call your clinic and see what their requirements are for a gestational carrier. There might be an age range (21-40), healthy BMI range, she has to have had a uncomplicated pregnancy and currently parenting her child/children, non-smoker, not on (most) medication to name a few qualifications. Don’t assume that just because she has had a good pregnancy in her past that she will automatically qualified. You want the best person to be your surrogate and even if emotionally your choice seems like a good one there is a lot to be said about a healthy body too!

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#SurrogacyMyth: In the USA, Surrogacy arrangements are valid in all 50 states.

Unfortunately, not all US states have jumped on the surrogacy band wagon! These 5 states are not surrogacy friendly at all (meaning that women from these states should not give birth to a surrogate baby within state lines) Louisiana has very limited laws and I suggest that you talk to a reproductive attorney before you even consider LA. Michigan is a very emphatic NO along with New Jersey and New York. A surrogate could be criminally charged. Washington state allows “compassionate, non-compensated” surrogacy arrangements but all other paid arrangements are considered criminal.

Heterosexual Intended Parents from the above states can work with a surrogate in any of the surrogate friendly states. Gay or single intended parents also have to be aware of the laws in certain states. Here is a great website to learn about each states surrogacy laws from Family Connections GESTATIONAL SURROGACY LAW ACROSS THE UNITED STATES.

Remember that these laws often change and contacting a local reproductive attorney BEFORE you get started in a state you are unsure of is the best advice I can give you.

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Awesome New App: FertiCalm Created by Dr. Alice Domar and Dr. Elizabeth Grill

Wednesday I had the pleasure of hearing Dr. Alice Domar speak on the topic of "Reducing the Burden of Care" at the Seattle Tacoma Area Reproductive Society’s meeting (STARS) in Seattle.  What a great subject especially for those in the fertility field who have set out to help their patients and clients navigate the process of infertility treatments and, at the same time, maintaining a positive mind set. Dr. Domar introduced this great phone app that she helped design called FertiCalm. http://www.ferticalmapp.com This app can be used by women who need coping techniques in everyday situations. (Alice says they are currently working on an app just for men.)

Coping for Every Situation…Any time, Any Place, Anywhere. FertiCalm provides a variety of more than 500 custom coping options for over 50 specific situations which have the potential to cause distress throughout the family building journey located right on your phone.

Dr. Domar and Dr. Grill, the creators of this app, are reproductive psychologists with over 45 years combined experience, at two of the most prominent infertility centers in the US. They provide counseling for women, men and couples as they work to build their families and saw an unmet need. Many people don't have the time, money, or geographical access to see a therapist specially trained in infertility counseling. While FertiCalm is not substitute for treatment with a licensed therapist or psychologist, FertiCalm serves as a helpful resource for women in the exact moment they feel distress, whenever and wherever they are, by providing them with coping techniques for many common social scenarios faced by women on their family building journey.

Check it out and let everyone know what you think! Please leave feedback here, in the comments section!

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#SurrogacyMyth: IVF will work the first time with a qualified surrogate!

In Vitro Fertilization is a true miracle to those needing extra help conceiving a child. Sometimes IVF alone is not the answer, especially for gay couples or women with medical conditions like cancer. When another woman is needed, a gestational carrier, IVF breathes new hope into a once seemingly hopeless situation.

No fertility clinic that I know will guarantee a pregnancy on the first attempt of IVF (or on the 4^th attempt for that matter) The intended parents are the people who usually choose the RE/clinic so we all hope that they have done their homework regarding live birth statistics. All involved also hope that any embryos that are made and transferred are of great quality. They hope that the eggs and sperm are from the most perfect source. There is a LOT of hope involved in IVF BUT, surprise surprise, even if everything is deemed A+, Grade 1, “Excellent”, and the carrier has the “best lining I have ever seen” the IVF process can still fail! And because of this fact, the surrogacy agreement often will state that it will cover the time frame of up to 3 IVF attempts.

My best advice beyond “expect the worst but hope for the best” is for intended parents to do their research and find the best clinic they can afford. Secondly, be prepared for an IVF cycle not to work for no good reason. Everyone is doing their job and it will still fail because we are human and nothing is perfect. Keep the hope, follow doctor’s orders, know that you are not alone but be realistic.  Everyone wants the same thing. A healthy pregnancy and birth.

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#SurrogacyMyth: All health insurance policies cover surrogacy pregnancy and delivery!

Don’t we all wish this were true! But over the past decade or so most insurance companies have revised their policies to exclude surrogacy arrangements. Some policies are vague and read as if there is some wiggle room but a surrogate candidate must be very careful as she reviews her policy. If bills pertaining to a surrogacy pregnancy and birth are submitted to an insurance company that decides that payment is not their responsibility, several things can happen. First, remember all surrogacy contracts state that the Intended Parents are responsible for all medical bills in relation to the surrogacy arrangement. Most, if not all, medical bills are in the name of the surrogate so as she receives these bills she is expected to arrange payment. If these bills are submitted in a timely manner then the IPs may pay them as soon as possible, perhaps money from the escrow account would be used or maybe they will arrange payments with the OBGYN or hospital. If the insurance company takes it’s time with the decision, the escrow account could be emptied and closed as well as the Intended Parents leave the state or the country (If they are International) and these bills could be left for the surrogate to be responsible for. 

This has happened several times. What can be done to make sure that an insurance policy will be held up and make the payments expected? First, have a professional review the entire insurance policy. If there is any question then the Intended Parents need to invest in a backup plan or full surrogacy insurance coverage backed by a Lloyds of London policy. No one wants to be left with bills after giving an amazing gift of life and family, just as no intended parent wants to be stuck with unexpected medical debt.

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Surrogacy Myth’s BUSTED

On Twitter and Facebook I have started the #SurrogacyMyth which is a way to not only dispel current myth’s about the surrogacy process but a discussion starter for those who need or want more information. I also have invited anyone who has a #SurrogacyMyth to share in the comments section of this blog! My next few blog posts will start to bust these myths!

Please Join Me!
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http://twitter.com/SharonLaMothe   

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Intended Parents: Go With Your GUT When You Are Considering a Surrogate

   

Yes, you read that right...go with your gut, go with your instincts, go with your feelings...Do NOT just push ahead without acknowledging that something has given you pause! 

 

Too many Intended Parents, desperate as most are when they reach the decision to move ahead with a surrogacy situation, IGNORE crucial facts and gut feelings that are staring them in the face. They have met their potential surrogate online or through a friend...maybe through an attorneys office or even an agency BUT....it's the BUT that needs to be explored. BUT the woman/surrogate is on medicaid, But she is 19, But she doesn't have transportation, But her husband, boyfriend, significant other is against the arrangement OR pushing for more money, But she has put ALL her children up for adoption, But she is hard to contact, But she is slow to make appointments...it can go on and on...what is THAT telling YOU? It is telling you, Intended Parent, to move on! Surrogacy is not something to jump into, take lightly or think money will cure these issues. Make sure that you have a comfort level you can live with before you sign that contract. (You ARE going to have a contract, right?!?!?) You will never be 100% comfortable but YOU can be reassured that moving in the same direction with the right person will alleviate most of the"But" factors.

 

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Win Your Own Copy of Surrogacy Helps Make a Family Grow!

This is the last day for National Infertility Awareness Week! I have 2 books 'Surrogacy Helps Make a Family Grow!' by Sharon LaMothe for surrogate mothers to share with their children or for Intended Parents to give to their surrogate for her own child! A $16.00 value. E-mail me your name, address and why you are interested in winning to [email protected] to be entered into this drawing by Sunday April 30th. Postage is included and the winner will have their signed book mailed out to them next week! (all names and addresses kept confidential if requested. Initials maybe used when announcing the winners!) 

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Surrogates: Do your homework! Researching Surrogacy

Wouldn't it be great to have a crystal ball and know what your future holds for you and your new potential Intended Parents? Doesn't it all start out like a romance movie? Maybe you hook up with a "dating service" or go on the Internet. You read profiles and letters and finally pick a likely candidate. You might exchange e-mails or talk on the phone. You hear stories of hopes, dreams, complications and confusion. You share your values and lifestyle. And then perhaps a date...lunch? Dinner? ahhhh the glow, the euphoria of finding the "right" match. And then drip drip drop it starts to rain on the parade...just a drizzle at first. Nothing to stop the momentum, you can still see a slice of blue sky, but you get out the umbrella anyway. Perhaps this happens during contract negations. The IP's who were once so grateful for finding you want you to lower your "fee". (by 35% and Heavens! NO! they do not want to use an escrow agent!!) They want you to promise not to work during the pregnancy but they don't want to pay lost wages either. They want you to use your insurance at the infertility clinic so that they don't have to pay for the medications. (Thankfully most clinics won't do this!) They want you to go to California or Illinois for the transfer but don't want to pay child care for YOUR KIDS while you are gone. Hummmmmm If this pattern is starting now, during the contract phase, what's to say that it will be any different when you are pregnant? Maybe its time to rethink this match.

 

I know of many women who just WANT to be surrogates SO BADLY they are willing to overlook a multitude of red flags. You can say no. You can back that train up and get OFF. Before you sign anything, PLEASE make it clear what YOUR expectations are. If you have a surrogacy agency, PLEASE have a conversation with them on where you stand on your base fees, benefits, selective reduction, abortion and everything that is near and dear to your heart. PLEASE do your home work! You will be much happier with your experience. 

 

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Selective Reduction: Comments From a Surrogate of Triplets

 

I have posted about the topic of Selective Reduction in the past. Carolyn Zinn, who wrote the post of her experience, below, has given birth to triplets and she has some wonderful insights on the decision of selective reduction. I decided, instead of listing this post as a comment, it needed its own place on the blog. Thanks Carolyn and thank you for sharing your thoughts on this very important topic.

"I feel this information couldn't be stressed more.  I have been a personal friend of Sharon's for many years and we have shared numerous surrogacy experiences and feelings throughout those years. I am THRILLED she has put together such a wonderful blog for those involved in the infertility world.  I am a Gestational Surrogate 3X and I carried triplets my first time (in 2000) of which compels me to respond to this topic. Although I entered into my first surrogacy with the purest intent and deepest desire to help a couple have a child, I had no idea what all was involved, but at the time, it really didn't matter... I was going to do this! It wasn't until I was matched and entered into the contract stage that I realized how many issues I had to think about, be comfortable with and agree to.  However, I was totally determined and nothing was going to stand in my way.  I put a lot of thought into what my true feelings were concerning abortion, selective reduction and other related issues and if there is anything that I have stressed to intended parents and surrogates in the past.

It is imperative that everyone be completely honest about their needs and desires.  As Sharon stated in her post regarding selective reduction , one never knows what is going to happen and you truly need to feel comfortable with and be able to live with whatever may arise.  I never dreamed that we would end up pregnant with triplets but it had been decided by myself and my IP's that there would be no selective reduction and we agreed to no more than three embryos’ implanted.  Boy... was that a good judgment call.  We placed three excellent quality embryos back and low and behold... they all three took.  Our journey was one to be treasured and the outcome was nothing short of incredible.  All three babies were delivered at 33 and a half weeks (considered full term for triplets) and extremely healthy.  They are beautiful and thriving but myself and my IP's often have said that we can’t even imagine not having one of them around if we had done a selective reduction.  Please think and re-think things before agreeing to anything.  If you find a couple and your expectations are different, don't feel bad for not working with them... don't think you will never find anyone else... or they will never find anyone else... follow your heart and move on.  You each will eventually find that "right" match and everyone will be happy no matter what happens."

Carolyn Zinn

 

 

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Money and Babies...should the two ever meet? Part Two

     Did that all sound stuffy enough for you? (read Money and Babies Part One)  I have to admit that during my first surrogacy I had NO ESCROW AGENT.....Oh My! But I also have to admit that we had no financial issues. At least none that I really remember. I do recall thinking I was over paid once and having that argument over the phone 6 months pregnant with twins was not appreciated by my IF. Needless to say I was wrong. I have to clarify that the people I had agreed to carry for were not complete strangers and therefore we already had a relationship based on trust. I trusted that they were going to do what they said they would do (it was all clearly written in the contract) and I felt that they trusted me well enough to be true to my word. No one in 1998 even suggested an escrow agent.

 

    Then my second surrogacy (again with twins, due in 2005) was with a couple that I did not know as well and we all agreed to deposit the surrogacy money with their attorney in CA. I have to say that the office that held the escrow had a great system which included cutting checks one day of the week and had guidelines on when to submit for reimbursements via fax. The only issue I had that really upset me was that for an entire year after the twins were born the hospital was not paid $1,400 for the anesthesia used during the C-section. (Ok, Raise your hand if you EVER had or heard of having a C-section without anesthesia ???) Because the escrow agent/ attorney only held money for me and my surrogacy related bills, funds for any other bills such as hospital and other medical costs were not available. I continued to get threats and bills from the hospital....which I quickly forwarded to my IP's. $1,400 really damaged the relationship between myself and my IP's. It took well past the twins 1st birthday to have this issue resolved. (BTW the resolution was them just paying the hospital the full amount directly...something that could have been done months before!)  

 

     So this brings us to my second point in the long, drawn out subject of money and babies...Surrogacy and Egg donation, along with all the professionals involved, cost MONEY and this all happens before the baby/babies are born. (and please don't let the word "donation" fool you) It's after the birth that your child continues to cost you!

 

    Intended Parents: Please make sure that you have enough money in your account to cover all the costs, potential or otherwise. Please remember that at all times this pregnancy is YOURS and not your surrogates'. Please take notice when your surrogate is sending you (or your escrow agent) an OBGYN, anesthesia and other medical bills pertaining to your baby that it is your bill no matter who's name is on it. And Please remember that when your surrogate has just gone through labor or an operation to deliver YOUR baby it is always appropriate to send flowers, a token of your appreciation and even a heartfelt card with a gift certificate in it no matter how much money this process costs because this is the woman who gave YOU the gift that will keep on giving, the gift of life.

 

 

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Money and Babies...should the two ever meet? Part One

     This is something that is talked about in religion, politics and among those who want kids...and don't have them. To be blunt, often times it comes down to the money when a decision is made (to move forward with a surrogacy) on any or all of the following; Agency services, Clinic's used, what "optional" testing is done, who is chosen to donate eggs, who is chosen to be the surrogate and who the lawyers are. Even if money isn't a huge issue for the Intended Parents, no one wants to feel that they are being taken advantage of. I am not suggesting that people should not compare the costs however I believe that you may get what you pay for. (or worse yet, NOT) Before prices perhaps, as far as the professionals are concerned, services and reputations need to be compared. As far as Egg Donors go, before looking at her "cost" see if she has all the qualities that you are looking for in the genetic make up of your potential offspring. When you are choosing a woman to carry your baby then perhaps you first need to see if she is someone you feel confident can build a mutual relationship with based on honesty and trust. (Not on how much her base fee is).

 

     Now lets talk about that money issue. First, no matter how much money we are talking about, all funds pertaining to the surrogacy should be deposited into an escrow account. This escrow agent would be responsible for cutting the checks directly to the surrogate for the start of medication fee, transfer fees and any monthly fees. Also, any monetary reimbursements that are mentioned in the contract which can include maternity clothing, travel expenses, child care and house keeping services. No matter what the financial issue, the surrogate would be instructed to contact the escrow agent for any and all questions and requests regarding reimbursement. If the escrow agent then has a question regarding the request, it is then his or her job to directly contact the IP's. This usually keeps a nice buffer between the IP and the SM. Having the money handled in this manner allows the IP's to concentrate on the pregnancy, the person carrying their baby, and the relationship in general and not the money. (Although it will always be in the back of any responsible person's mind who needs to keep track of the budget, however, when it has all been deposited into an account up front then its easier for all involved to relax.) 

 

Look Part Two of Money and Babies

 

 

 

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Surrogacy: Whatever YOU think the time table should be; don't count on it!

 

       OK, I admit it....I just have to chuckle to myself when someone says they want to be pregnant by, say, the new year or by their next birthday or before their 5 year old is out of kindergarten....or they would like to be matched by next month so they can hit that next cycle or better yet, have a transfer in 2 months.... Please realize that in the world of A.R.T.  it truly is an art form! A delicate dance with many partners. First, you have to find that perfect couple or surrogate (your full time partner for this dance), then you have to meet the RE and have all the clinical testing done in order to be cleared for the IVF procedure. There is a visit to the psychologist as well. From there, contracts have to be drawn up, agreed upon and signed...and don't forget that all of these professionals have their own time tables! If an egg donor is included in this waltz around the room, then HER cycle needs to be taken into consideration...and lets see, the clinic may "batch you" which means that they only perform transfers one week during the month...and maybe not in December or July. (perhaps closed for vacations, holidays and lab cleanings) And then there are the unplanned situations that may arise during all of this 'scheduling' like a death in the family, the ED didn't stimulate well, the frozen embryos all died during the thaw, a polyp was found during the mock transfer and needs to be removed, a failed transfer, and so on and so forth.

 

     A note on my personal experiences: For my first surrogacy we signed contracts in 1998 and I gave birth to twins in March of 2000 and for my second surrogacy I wanted to retire from being a surrogate by the time I was 40. I met my couple at age 39 and ended up giving birth to their twins shortly after I turned 41.

 

 

     The best way to protect yourself from continual frustration is not to have any time expectations. I don't mean allow people to drag their feet or for situations to continue to go unresolved but to move forward at a steady pace, together. Keep in close contact with everyone involved and try to have an idea of the issues that may pop up or slow down the process. Work on each phase of your ART journey without jumping too far ahead of yourself. Be aware of everyone else's time constraints and the future will take care of itself!

 

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You want to be a Surrogate? But WHY?

 

 

     Although Surrogacy has made itself well known or, dare I say it, popular, still I believe that the general population wonder what motivates women to become surrogate mothers or gestational carriers. It is understood that infertile couples or singles will explore all their options, surrogacy included,  but why in the world would a perfectly healthy woman want to go through a pregnancy, labor and delivery for mere strangers? (which happens in a majority of the cases.)

 

     The first conclusion usually is money. I would like to dispel that myth right away. A first time carrier with her own health insurance may be entitled to compensation/reimbursements between $25,000 and $30,000. What is this money used for? Its illegal to 'sell' a baby, or your body for that matter, so why is money involved at all? This compensation is to be used while the surrogate is pregnant with a child to support her throughout the pregnancy. She can use it for anything she likes but it is earmarked for food, insurance, local transportation, and general living expenses. Other 'benefits' listed in a contract may be clothing, child care, out of state travel, house keeping and invasive procedures. Often it takes months before a surrogate becomes pregnant and even then it may take 2 or 3 IVF treatments. Any compensation is minimal. She quickly finds that she could make more money working at a fast food restaurant for minimum wage!

 

     Perhaps attention is the motivator? Some women enjoy being the center of attention while pregnant and as a surrogate, attention is a huge part of the journey! Not only is her own family focused on her but her IP's and their family are all in the picture...waiting for the big day to arrive. It is a heady feeling and maybe one of the many reasons why some women become surrogates more then once.

 

     Could it be that she actually enjoys being pregnant? A woman who is raising her own children may have LOVED being pregnant however, as much as she adores her own kids, economically it's just not feasible to raise a dozen or more babies...so combined with helping another couple she can enjoy the experience of being pregnant again.

 

     Maybe the reward in being a surrogate is helping another family enjoy what she already has, babies.....a new generation...a branch on the family tree. Seeing the faces of her Intended Parents as she sees them holding THEIR own baby is sometimes all the incentive that some women need.

 

     Honestly I think its a combination of all of the above. Any extra money that comes into a home, through surrogacy or a raise or a windfall, is always welcomed. I have heard of some women buying a much needed car, taking their family on a dream vacation, paying off bills, paying tuition for their own child and yes, even a down payment on a house. Having the ability to help another family and enjoying all the gratitude and rewards that come with that is a wonderful feeling....one that stays with you for the rest of your life especially if the relationship lives up to what you dreamed it should be. Knowing that, as a surrogate, there is a little life out there making some very special people happy is a wonderful feeling. A heady experience that, often times,  makes a woman willing to carry for someone else again....and again!

 

 

 

 

What Surrogates and Egg Donors Need to Know About Tax Season! by Chrissy Hanisco, Esq., The Stein Law Firm, PLLC

It is income tax season; the April 15^th filing deadline is less than two months away. Many people have already filed and may even have spent their return at one of the many Valentine's Day, President’s Day, or just because sales already.

If you were a surrogate or an egg donor in 2016 and received compensation you need to be aware of your obligation to report the compensation as gross income. I have heard many donors and carriers state that the compensation was for “pain and suffering” or that they did not receive a 1099, so they do not have to claim the money as income. This is not correct. The 2015 case of Perez v. Commissioner, 144 T.C. 4 (2015), made it clear that an egg donor is required to report the compensation she received for the egg donation process. The Court made this ruling even though the contracts Perez signed with both the agency and the intended parents specifically stated that she was not being paid for her eggs and that the donor fee was for her “time, effort, inconvenience, pain and suffering.” In reaching this conclusion the Court found that in order for income to be tax-free due to “pain and suffering” that it had to be the result of damages arising out of an injury (a tort). The Court further stated that Perez’s physical pain was a voluntary act; “a byproduct of performing a service contract, and…not to compensate her for some unwanted invasion against her bodily integrity.”

Although there is not a specific case at this time relative to gestational carriers or surrogates, the analysis is likely to be the same. Like egg donors surrogates enter into contracts with agencies and intended parents about the service they will provide. Like egg donors surrogates undergo medical procedures as part of that agreement. If a pregnancy results, the pregnancy itself may be difficult and involve additional medical procedures, but even under the best of circumstances pregnancy is rarely comfortable. Many surrogates argue they should not have to pay an income tax on the money they receive for compensation of their services due to “pain and suffering.” Reading the Perez case it is easy to see why this argument would likely fail if an individual was audited.

As a result of the Perez case more agencies than before are issuing 1099 forms to surrogates and egg donors. However, it is important to remember that receiving a 1099 does not trigger the obligation to report income; receiving income triggers the obligation. I recommend that anyone who was a surrogate or an egg donor consult with a tax professional and suggest that you share a copy of Perez with that professional. If you are planning to be a donor or surrogate you may also want to consult with a tax professional in advance of negotiating your compensation, so that you may plan for what could be a significant tax liability.

Chrissy Hanisco is an attorney who practices in New Hampshire and Massachusetts with a focus on third party assisted reproductive law and adoption. Chrissy’s entire legal career has been focused on assisting others in difficult situations. After personally battling infertility she decided to use her legal skills to help others build their families. She is an active member of RESOLVE New England, the American Bar Association’s Assisted Reproductive Technologies Committee, and Parents Via Egg Donation. Locally, she is a Board member of Capital Region Mothers of Multiples. She lives in Concord, New Hampshire with her partner, their twin fraternal boys, her stepson, and their faithful, yet slightly neurotic Labrador retriever, Luke. The Stein Law Firm, PLLC

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LaMothe Services Can Help You with Your Assisted Reproductive Business in 2017

How can LaMothe Services help you and your business thrive? 

Small and large Assisted Reproductive Technology businesses alike understand how outsourcing can help transform their public relations, customer service, networking and marketing processes. LaMothe Services will expose your company to new business practices that can prove to be more profitable for your business and gain access to state-of-the-art technology at substantially lower costs. Our industry experience, broad capabilities and deep alliances mean we can help you maximize these opportunities. Let us help you find your purpose in the Third Party Family Building arena! 

 

LaMothe Services will provide you with the resources to optimize every opportunity.

 

LaMothe Services also provides Coaching, Mentorship, Training, Seminars, Staff Education, and Public Speaking events in the area of Third Party Reproduction, namely Surrogacy and Egg Donation. Our background and expertise will provide your staff with the development and training resources and the results are that your employees will be more motivated, focused, organized and realize results! 

 

At LaMothe Services our highest priority is satisfied customers. We are proud to serve you and work hard to earn your business. Call 727-458-8333 to schedule your free personal 40 minute consultation. There's no obligation, only opportunity.

 

Winter Special!

Calling all entrepreneurs! LaMothe Services is offering a 2017 WINTER Special that will have you running your own Surrogacy Agency before you know it!  

 

Are you interested in owning and operating your own Surrogacy Agency but don't know where to start? Do you live in a surrogacy friendly state? Have you been entertaining the idea of becoming your own boss? Are you a 'people person' and have knowledge of the third party family building field? (Past Surrogate, Intended Parent or other A.R.T Professional) Do you believe that 2017 is YOUR year to take control of your own career path? If the answers are a resounding YES to all these questions then LaMothe Services, LLC can help you formulate a plan and assist you in building your business to it's full potential. E-mail [email protected] to set up your free 40 minute consult and learn more about our WINTER SPECIAL! Or visit the LaMothe Services website for more details!

HAPPY NEW YEAR

 

 

 

Happy New Year from LaMothe Surrogacy Consulting and LaMothe Services!

Surrogacy Fees: What is a 'Base Fee'?

The "Base Fee"

 

Once Intended Parents start the search for a surrogate mother, whether its in an independent situation or through an agency setting, they will soon come a crossed the phrase "base fee". What is this fee for? Who sets these fees? Isn't it the same as 'paying' a surrogate? Why is the word compensation used?

 

Let me illuminate you on the "base fee factors". In general, a base fee is to cover the 9 months or 40 weeks your surrogate will be pregnant with your child/children. It is very rare for any of the base fee monies to be distributed before you see a heart beat on the ultra sound monitor. The base fee is commonly broken down into monthly payments, however these are not always equal monthly installments. Lets use a fee of $20,000. The break down may look like this:

 

    Month one:     $1,500

    Month two:     $1,500

    Month three:   $2,000

    Month four:    $2,000

    Month five:    $2,000

    Month six:     $2,500

    Month seven:  $2,500

    Month eight:  $3,000

    Month nine:   $3,000

 

These fees are usually strategically set up like above in a contract because there are so many times that a miscarriage can happen in the first couple of months of a pregnancy. This way the Intended Parents are not out a huge amount of money and the surrogate is compensated for the time that she actually did carry.

 

Lets remember that babies are born on their own time table and so if a baby or babies are born early the amount that is left over is put into one last check and given to the surrogate with in 14 days after the birth (or whatever is stated in the contract). In the case of multiples an extra amount is often added usually from month 5-9.

 

So who sets these fees? Good question! Basically attorneys and agencies know state by state what those judges will tolerate regarding a surrogacy fee. This is why you don't see women being surrogates and charging $100,000! If a judge sees an amazingly large amount of money in a contract that fact alone will raise the following questions: "Was this woman coerced? Is she selling her body?, Is she selling a baby?" This is why the base fee is often labeled compensation or reimbursement or even living expenses. Surrogates are supposed to be carrying a child, not to make money, but instead, for altruistic reasons. Any money involved is to support the surrogate and the unborn baby throughout the process. The point is that no money should be coming out of the surrogates family budget to support her while she is a surrogate.

 

The average base fees being asked for by agencies for their surrogates looks something like this:

First time surrogate with her own health insurance: $35,000-$45,000

First time surrogate without her own health insurance: $30,000-$40,000

Second time surrogate with her own health insurance: $55,000-$60,000

Second time surrogate without her own health insurance: $45,000-$50,000

Third and forth time surrogates with health insurance can request anything up to $60,000 + and those without $50,000+. 

 

Yes, there are some variations but this configuration is the most common. Insurance companies are adding surrogacy exclusions each time they print up a new policy! They feel that if money is being exchanged then their policy shouldn't be used as a bargaining chip. If a surrogate is on Medicaid then she can not, under any circumstances, use government insurance! This is FRAUD and is punishable by the law. Surrogates without insurance need to be insured ASAP through one of the few companies that have policy especially for those involved in third party reproduction or family building. New Life or ART RISK are a couple of these insurance agencies. Needless to say these are very expensive policies which is why an uninsured surrogate is compensated less then those who carry their own health insurance policies with maternity coverage.

 

Research is always recommended and when you have questions about compensation or insurance policies finding an experienced consultant or reproductive specialist is a must.

 

Additional questions? Check out LaMothe Surrogacy Consulting http://www.lamothesurrogacyconsulting.com Save $150.00 with our fall consulting special!

 

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Insurance Issues to Address Prior to A Surrogacy Agreement

Prospective Intended Parents and Carriers need to be aware that they are embarking upon an investment of time, money and risk when they enter into a surrogacy arrangement together.  If you are a Carrier, you are taking time out of you and your family's life and investing that time toward your intended parent's dream of having a child.  If you are an Intended Parent, you are asking someone to assume a certain amount of risk to help achieve your dream of having a child.  Clearly, there are no guarantees offered by the Infertility Clinics.  That being the case, prior to entering into this arrangement you should be aware that some risks can be minimized.  Insurance or insurances are the best ways to offset some of the risk inherent to your relationship together.

The time to check these issues is now, not after you enter the Surrogacy contract. The reimbursements that will be paid to a carrier will depend upon whether or not you have insurance coverage.  Your contract will need to address this issue, and make an appropriate accommodation.Pregnancy and birth are expensive.  Health insurance can go a long way toward minimizing the financial risk.  Depending on your state of residence, the costs will vary according to age, health and deductibles. Get the lowest deductible you can afford.

Insurance companies are in the business of making money and will go out of their way to not pay benefits.  As an educated consumer, you must be sure that you have obstetrics coverage.  Next be sure that you have been covered long enough that your pregnancy will not be deemed a preexisting condition for which benefits can be declined.  Finally, check the "exclusions" section of the policy to be sure that a surrogacy arrangement does not take you out of coverage.  If you are married and the health insurance is through your spouse's employer, check that policy.  Occasionally when obstetrics is not part of the normal benefit package you can add it for an additional fee.

Another consideration of risk is your carrier's life.  Why?  Because there is a risk of death with any pregnancy and there needs to be a fund of money available to her family should she not be there for them.  We recommend a minimum of $250,000 of life insurance for a carrier. This amount can be adjusted according to the carrier's profession, number of children she has and most importantly, what makes her family comfortable with the extra risk she is undertaking.  From a legal perspective, having life insurance in effect through pregnancy helps provide financial insulation from a lawsuit should there be a birth related death.

A final consideration is insuring your carrier's ability to work.   When a carrier is a stay-at-home parent, her duties have a certain value to her family.  When a carrier has a job outside of the home, she  helps provide another income stream and raises her family's lifestyle. 

If a carrier becomes disabled due to surrogacy, the losses need to be replaced.  One way to view the value of the loss is to determine the out of pocket cost to replace her contribution to the household.  What is the cost of hiring a housekeeper, a cook or additional daycare while the carrier is on forced bedrest?  Most Surrogacy Contracts address this issue with an out of pocket payment.  Another alternative may be a short or long term disability insurance policy.  Both may be considered to provide seamless coverage till the end of the contract, but certainly a long term disability would have the worst effect upon the carrier's financial well being.

Of course, by now you are wondering how much does this all cost? Costs will vary according to the carrier's age, health, height/weight ratio and lifestyle (smoker/non smoker) as well as the value placed upon the risk.  The best time to get an idea of the cost and of any problems with underwriting is during the matching process so that the cost can be allocated within the Surrogacy Agreement.

Additional questions? Check out LaMothe Surrogacy Consulting http://www.lamothesurrogacyconsulting.com Save $150.00 with our fall consulting special!

 

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Gestational Surrogacy Should Only Be Done for Legitimate Medical Reasons By Dr. Michael Feinman

For some patients, gestational surrogacy is an option, if repeat implantation failure is a problem.  This is particularly true if PGD normal embryos have been transferred, and the rest of the evaluation is negative.  I started working with surrogates in 1992.  Until recently, virtually all the agencies I worked with held to standard that surrogacy should only be considered when the intended mother really cannot safely carry a pregnancy to term.   

A recent tragic death of a surrogate mother from a rare but well-know pregnancy complication known as abruption of the placenta, underscores the ethical problem with asking women to serve as surrogates for non-medical reasons.  To the family of this unfortunate woman, the reason she was surrogate does not matter right now.  However, for those of us who defend the practice of compensated surrogacy in the United States, it is an important reminder that the practice should only be allowed for legitimate medical purposes.  Dying from a pregnancy-related complication is so rare in the U.S., that many people take it for granted and feel it is acceptable to transfer the risks of pregnancy to another woman.  Somehow, a tragedy like this seems less egregious, if the surrogate mother was doing it for a woman who otherwise could not have a child.

Why the change in social attitude and acceptance of the looser standards?  One possible reason is the recent rise in the popularity of doing surrogacy in less developed countries like Mexico.  Most of these programs have a “no questions asked” policy, and financial reward for the surrogates is an important incentive.  Also, we have seen an increase in wealthy women from certain countries that can easily carry a baby, but see gestational surrogacy as a way to obtain a U.S. passport for their child.  Finally, there are some misconceptions about medical facts.  For instance, many women in their late reproductive years forties erroneously think that surrogates have a better chance for success than they do.  Ironically, many of these women are only in their late thirties or early forties, and we still work with healthy surrogate mothers in this age range!  

Critics of compensated surrogacy will point to the financial benefits as an inducement for women to take this risk.  In my experience, this may be true in poor countries.  However, in the U.S., the agencies I work with do not accept indigent women, and the compensation to these wonderful women, when amortized over the whole pregnancy amounts to less than minimum wage.

In conclusion, while the serious risks of pregnancy in the U.S. are small, they do exist.  The recent tragedy is a reminder of this and should make us all reflect on the importance of maintaining a high ethical standard in deciding which patients should benefit from surrogacy.   Along with the more common and less serious complications, combined with the major imposition of a surrogate mother and her family, appropriate compensation still seems reasonable.  However, the financial compensation should not induce women to take these risks.  Intended parents and health care professionals alike should keep these risks in mind when they consider moving forward with gestational surrogacy.

 

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Managing Surrogacy Relationships: LaMothe Surrogacy Consulting Can Help You!

The options of starting a family through surrogacy are peaking. Demand and competition are driving the clinical costs down, and it's more affordable for couples who want their own biological child or who want to raise a newborn through the gift of surrogacy and egg donation.

The giver of the gift of surrogacy and the people who are accepting it have needs and expectations of how the relationship should develop. If a comprehensive plan hasn't been made, then complications can arise.

Let's start by giving a hypothetical situation.  Mr. and Mrs. Smith need the help of a surrogate.  They accept the offer from a friend, Mary.   They feel comfortable with this friendship and trust that this woman will take care of herself during the pregnancy.  Mary asks for a certain amount of money to cover costs during pregnancy, and the Smiths agree.  In the back of their mind, Mary is being "paid" to carry their baby.

Mary gets pregnant via in vitro fertilization (IVF) and is now carrying twins for the Smiths.  The Smiths call her every day to see how she is. They ask if they can do anything. They want to attend all the appointments.  They ask the OB if Mary's working, eating, sleeping and sexual activities are OK for their babies.

Mary feels overwhelmed and micromanaged.  After all, she has given birth before, and she knows what she is doing.  Resentment sets in. Soon she is avoiding phone calls and gritting her teeth through appointments, and her husband is wondering what in the world they got themselves into!  The Smiths feel her pulling away and become worried and start to mistrust her actions.  They have a right to ask these questions.  After all, they are "paying" her, and she is carrying their children.  The rest of the pregnancy is filled with stress on both sides, as Mary now can't wait to give birth and get these people off her back.

The babies are born healthy and strong, and the Smiths take them home.  Now Mary hardly EVER hears from them. It may be months before she even sees them, and they used to be close friends.  She feels used and left behind, forgetting how she felt during the pregnancy.  Regret sets in.

 As for the Smiths, they are coping with two new lives!  They are not getting the sleep they used to and bills from the surrogacy and new babies are piling up.  Their lives have been turned upside down, and they can barely get time alone with each other let alone make calls to Mary.

 Discussing Expectations

Can you see what happened?  No one really discussed expectations. The before, during and after pregnancy relationship needs were not met, and therefore, a bad taste has been left behind where the beauty of families working together to bring a much-wanted child into the world should have been.

Before anyone makes the choice of surrogacy, certain aspects need to be thoroughly thought out and discussed. Here is a short list:

*     Should a family member be asked to be a surrogate?

*     Would a friend be a good choice? (If the answer is yes in either of these categories, then there is a separate list of concerns to think about.)

*     What race, religion and marital status would you like a surrogate to be?

*    What is the working status preference of a surrogate?

*     What do you envision your role in the pregnancy?

*     What are your expectations as to the amount of contact with the surrogate during and after the pregnancy?

*     What are the financial expectations, and how will that be handled?

These questions are just the tip of the iceberg, but they open up a dialog and can make a huge difference in a surrogate relationship.

Having someone to mediate is also helpful.  A successful surrogate arrangement can be done independently, but having a third party assist you with relationship management can be invaluable.  Having a third party to handle the escrow account can be a great relief on both the intended parents and surrogate.  Mixing the topics of money and babies is a sticky situation at best and should be avoided - if possible - in order to concentrate on the pregnancy and the surrogacy relationship.  A well-managed escrow account can also make all the difference.

Additional questions? Check out LaMothe Surrogacy Consulting http://www.lamothesurrogacyconsulting.com Save $150.00 with our fall consulting special!

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Top 10 Don'ts When Planning a Surrogacy Arrangement

If you are considering attempting a surrogacy arrangement independently, there are many issues to consider. Often times, when trying to cut financial corners and when desperation and vulnerability are a part of the picture, some may find themselves in a courtroom fighting for their baby just because one (or more) of these top 10 mistakes were made! I will explain each one in upcoming posts however I would love to hear from you especially if you have something to add!

 

Top 10 Don'ts When Planning a Surrogacy Arrangement

 

10) Don't work with a woman under the age of 21

 

9) Don't work with a woman who has never given birth to a child of her own

 

8) Don't use a contract downloaded from the Internet with no legal guidance

 

7) Don't use the sperm from an ex boyfriend

 

6) Don't work with a Surrogate who lives in a state that makes "commercial surrogacy contracts" unenforceable

 

5) Don't 'do' in home insemination's

 

4) Don't have the compensation payments to your surrogate come directly from you-use an escrow agent

 

3) Don't forget to pay all the bills regarding the surrogacy and pregnancy in a timely manner

 

2) Don't have your surrogate stay with you for more then a week if at all possible

 

1) Don't forget the Psychological Evaluation

 

I would love to hear what you have to add or your own surrogacy story!

 

Additional questions? Check out LaMothe Surrogacy Consulting http://www.lamothesurrogacyconsulting.com Save $150.00 with our fall consulting special!

Mistake Number Fourteen of the Top 14 Mistakes Not to Make for Traditional Surrogates and Gestational Carriers: Thinking That the Surrogacy Process will be Fast and Easy

 

Here we are, Finally! Number 14 is a mistake that all surrogates/carriers tend to make at one time or the other. (This should include Intended Parents.) The Surrogacy process is full of hoops to jump through and often takes well over a year to complete and that is if all goes well with the first IVF attempt. Read below for some of the most common misconceptions. Your thoughts and comments are always welcomed!

(Illustration copyright Tsipora Ivry 2009
www.ellyteman.com )

 

 Mistake #14-Thinking that the surrogacy process will be fast and easy

 

This is one of the most common phrases that I hear day in and day out from women who would like to be surrogates or carriers.

 

"I get pregnant just by my husband looking at me"

"I just think about wanting a baby and the next thing I know, I'm pregnant"

"I have never had any morning sickness and am so happy being pregnant"

 

Needless to say there is SO much more involved to surrogacy that I can't fit it all into this one post. Here are just a few:

 

*You must find a match with like minded Intended Parents

*You have to pass all of the Intended Parents clinics' medical and mental health evaluation requirements such as age, BMI, physical health, and be mentally and emotionally prepared (to name a few)

*You must have a legal contract in place

*IUI's must take place at a certain time in your cycle (Traditional Surrogacy)

*It may take several months of IUI before pregnancy (if you get pregnant at all)

*For IVF  you must cycle with your Intended Mother or the Egg Donor

*You will have to take medications (shots, pills, suppositories)

*You will have to have an embryo transfer

*You may not get pregnant the first time

*You may have to go through 2 or 3 embryo transfers

*You may never get pregnant with this method, this RE or this clinic or these Intended Parents

*If you do get pregnant you will be with your clinic 10-12 weeks

*You have the rest of your pregnancy to go through before you give birth to a baby or babies that will hopefully be close to term. 

 

You see...its not an easy thing which is why YOU are needed...why YOU are special because WHO ELSE but YOU would go through all of THIS for someone else?

 

Additional questions? Check out LaMothe Surrogacy Consulting http://www.lamothesurrogacyconsulting.com Save $150.00 with our fall consulting special!

 

 

 

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Mistake Number Thirteen of the Top 14 Mistakes Not to Make for Traditional Surrogates and Gestational Carriers: Not Visiting a Psychologist if Relationship Problems Arise

Mistake 13-Not visiting a psychologist if relationship problems arise

 

Why you NEED to include a psychologist or mental health professional in your surrogacy journey: Hopefully you and your Intended Parents have already had a visit with a Mental Health Professional. It is so important to establish a relationship with someone who can support you emotionally when you are going into a surrogacy arrangement especially when you are "going independent"...with out the help of an agency.

 

In every relationship misunderstandings happen and problems arise. Some are small and annoying while others can be shocking and perhaps alarming. When this happens you need to have someone to talk to. A third party that can see the entire issue, not be emotionally involved themselves and give good solid advice. When there is a failure to communicate then problems can swiftly spiral out of control and the next thing you know you might be thinking these people aren't worthy of having a baby! That kind of thinking is a warning sign that you need to have someone step in and help assess the situation no matter what it may be.

 

 

Additional questions? Check out LaMothe Surrogacy Consulting http://www.lamothesurrogacyconsulting.com Save $150.00 with our fall consulting special!

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Mistake Number Twelve of the Top 14 Mistakes not to Make as a Surrogate or Gestational Carrier: Thinking That it is OK to Use Federal or State Funded Medical Insurance for a Surrogacy Pregnancy

Mistake #12- Thinking that it's OK to use federal or state funded medical insurance for a surrogate pregnancy

 

  
Why you should NOT use federal or state funded medical insurance: I think this is pretty obvious. It is simply illegal to use a federally or state funded insurance to pay for the prenatal care and/or birth in a surrogacy situation. If you do not have maternity coverage in place then you can have your Intended Parents pay for a policy. This may mean that you have to accept less compensation but that is only fair as a policy can cost over $4,000.00+

 

I would like to add that if you have a policy that has a surrogacy exclusion and try to use it any way and your insurance company finds out you could be dropped from your policy. You would be ineligible for insurance benefits and maybe hard to get covered anywhere. Consider your own future when offering to be a surrogate. Don't get in trouble trying to do a 'good deed'. It's not worth it in the long run!

 

Additional questions? Check out LaMothe Surrogacy Consulting http://www.lamothesurrogacyconsulting.com Save $150.00 with our fall consulting special!

 

 

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Mistake Number Eleven of the Top 14 Mistakes Not to Make for Traditional Surrogates and Gestational Carriers: Staying with Intended Parents for more than a week in their own home

Three more 'mistakes' to go and I am sure I could have mentioned Twenty! Read on and see if you agree with my assessment of number eleven!

 

 Mistake #11-Staying with Intended Parents for more than a week in their own home

 

I know of several people who have stayed with their IPs in their home for a few days or even a week with no ill effects. I have heard of others who were 'stuck' there for three weeks or more and it did nothing good for the relationship.

 

A few days stay is nice especially if you need to rest after a transfer or you are down to their place for a short visit or maybe an ultrasound, however, once you stay longer you may notice little things that can be irritating like being waited on hand and foot....or not! People (IP's) scrutinizing what you eat or drink, sleeping habits, how long you are on the computer, the fact that you don't exercise or over exercise, that you binge watch shows late into the night and like to wake later in the day.  Whatever the case you are living under a magnifying glass whether you want to admit it or not. Their family and friends pop by to meet you...and lets face it, as nice that is you have to be 'on' all the time.

 

You, as a surrogate, will also notice things...how your IP's interact with each other, how they baby their dog, the fact that their home is decorated in white and chrome and the baby proofing has NOT been done. (Are these people ready to be parents?)

 

This constant critical assessment can cause nothing but stress. You need your own place. If you must travel for the birth for instance, see if you can stay in a micro-hotel nearby that might offer a kitchenette and a sofa. (Perhaps your own family can visit you if you have your own space.) Make sure that you can arrange some down time where you get plenty of rest. You can enjoy your time together but you will appreciate your time apart!

 

Additional questions? Check out LaMothe Surrogacy Consulting http://www.lamothesurrogacyconsulting.com Save $150.00 with our fall consulting special!

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Number Ten of the Top 14 Mistakes to Avoid by Surrogates and Carriers: Cutting out benefits such as lost wages, maternity clothing allowance, C-section reimbursements and child care

Mistake number 10-Cutting out benefits such as lost wages, maternity clothing allowance, c-section reimbursements and child care, etc. (because you don't think you will ever need them)

 

Why you should insist on these reimbursements and 'benefits': There is a lesson to be learned here. I learned it the hard way and so have others. Why make the same mistake yourself? During my first surrogacy I made the mistake of leaving out coverage in case of a C-section. I had never had one before and didn't plan on needing one for a surrogacy. I ended up pregnant with twins and having an emergency C-section and although my IP's took very good care of me I was not financially compensated for the extra time it took for me to recover.

 

Perhaps you just had a baby of your own within the last couple of years and still have your maternity clothing. You may think you don't need anything else and therefore waive the allowance in order to save your IP's money. Admirable of you, however, I can guarantee that you didn't save your bras and underwear...or that you can't guess if you will be pregnant during the same seasons you were with your own baby. Perhaps you work outside the home now and need work clothes or you may be pregnant during the holidays. Keep all of these things in mind when you are thinking about what most pregnant women need during the pregnancy and why. Don't leave out the possibility that you could be pregnant with twins and may not fit after 5 months into your 'old' maternity clothes!

 

As for child care and other reimbursements...put them in your contract. Even if you don't need them they will be available in the off chance that something happens where you might be on bed rest for 10 weeks and need some housekeeping or lost wages. Never assume that a surrogacy is going to be easy and trouble free....plan for every possibility!

 

Additional questions? Check out LaMothe Surrogacy Consulting http://www.lamothesurrogacyconsulting.com Save $150.00 with our fall consulting special!

 

 

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Number Nine of the Top 14 Mistakes for Surrogates and Carriers to Avoid: Going without term Life Insurance of at least $300,000

 
Simply put, making mistake number nine will not make or break a surrogacy arrangement but it does show care and respect for the greatest gift involved, the surrogate and her family, for even considering taking the risk of child birth for someone else.

 

Mistake Number Nine: Going without term Life Insurance of at least $300,000 

 

Very simply...You are worth more then $300,000. You are priceless....however, many people simply skip the step that costs approximately $350.00 for a term Life Insurance Policy per year and the piece of mind that comes with it. Your husband or children are named as beneficiaries should something catastrophic happen to you during the surrogacy arrangement. Protect your family and insist on a policy that will help fill the financial hole that will be left behind should anything happen to you. You are irreplaceable as a wife and a mother but a life insurance policy can go a long way to making life a tiny bit easier for your loved ones should anything happen to you.  

 

Additional questions? Check out LaMothe Surrogacy Consulting http://www.lamothesurrogacyconsulting.com Save $150.00 with our fall consulting special!

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