Medical Director and Founder of New England Fertility
For a third-party reproduction specialist like myself, the sharp rise in surrogacy inquiries in the past year is gratifying. The demand for gestational carriers is so high it can hardly keep up with supply. Most of the intended parents who come to our clinic, however, want a vaccinated carrier — and therein lies the problem: A fair percentage of surrogates don’t want the COVID-19 vaccine.
With the Delta variant of COVID-19 spreading rapidly and showing no signs of slowing down, the human cost of remaining unvaccinated is greater than ever. We’ve seen that the variant is far more easily spread than previous strains, and for those who are unvaccinated and infected with the variant, hospitalization (or worse) is far more likely.
Fortunately, the CDC has now released data to support the safety of COVID-19 vaccines in pregnant people and is recommending that everyone over the age of 12 get vaccinated against COVID-19. In spite of such compelling evidence, it’s clear from speaking daily with surrogates (and hearing the stories from surrogacy agencies) that vaccine hesitation is fueled by misinformation. Whether you’re an intended parent or a surrogate yourself, you should have a few facts:
Pregnant women are more likely than non-pregnant women to become severely ill from COVID-19. They are more likely to be admitted to an ICU, be put on a ventilator, or, most tragically, not survive. They are also more likely to suffer complications such as preterm labor.
Pregnant women in any trimester can safely receive the vaccine. Data so far shows no adverse effects on carriers or the babies they’re carrying. The vaccine is even safe for lactating women and beneficial because their breast milk will carry the antibodies.
The vaccine helps protect the fetus by providing it with antibodies. While the virus rarely crosses the placenta to infect the fetus, and there’s been no evidence that it causes birth defects, the antibodies may continue to protect the baby after the birth.
There’s no evidence showing that the vaccine affects fertility in men or women, so if you personally are looking to become pregnant, don’t hesitate to get the vaccine.
While the COVID-19 vaccines are new, mRNA technology is not. Research to develop mRNA vaccines has been in progress for more than 20 years.
mRNA vaccines (Pfizer and Moderna) do not alter your DNA. mRNA stimulates your body’s own immune response to produce antibodies but doesn’t enter the nucleus of your cells, so it won’t affect your DNA.
The Johnson & Johnson vaccine is also shown to be safe for pregnant women and those trying to become pregnant. The concept of the J&J vaccine is more traditional: It uses adenovirus (which doesn’t contain a live virus) to instruct your cells to produce antibodies.
The vaccines do not seem to affect pregnancy outcomes. There’s no evidence to support a higher incidence of outcomes such as premature birth, congenital defects, pregnancy loss, or gestational diabetes.
The vaccine offers greater protection than previous COVID-19 infection. Antibody levels are higher in vaccinated people than in those who’ve previously been infected.
It’s only natural that anyone looking to carry a pregnancy or planning to become a parent through surrogacy would want to be careful. But we now have evidence to support the safety of the vaccine. Studies are ongoing but thus far there’s no indication, in human or animal studies, that the vaccine can cause pregnancy complications or birth defects.
Acceptance of the vaccine isn’t just about the availability of gestational carriers; it’s about the health of your community and the world around you.
Most Surrogacy Agencies hire a company to run background checks on their clients (IPs) and surrogate candidates, including husbands/partners. This is not because everyone is under suspicion. It just makes all parties more comfortable. You want to believe that people would be honest upfront but what is important for you to know may not be what they want to share. Now if you are working with someone that you know well; a family member or a close friend, you really don’t need to have a background check. But if you are working with someone you hardly know, maybe you met on the internet or by classified ad or it’s a friend of a friend of a friend, a background check is a good idea, for all parties. What are you looking for? DUI’s, drug conviction, child abuse, criminal charges and so forth. Anything that will give you pause about working together. It’s better to find things out before the contracts are signed then after. **NOTE Background checks for all involved (up to 4 people) should cost under $400.00. Not a bad price for a piece of mind!
"My name is Anuj Agarwal. I'm Founder of Feedspot.
I would like to personally congratulate you as your blog Surrogacy 101 has been selected by our panelist as one of theTop 50 Surrogacy Blogs on the web.
I personally give you a high-five and want to thank you for your contribution to this world. This is the most comprehensive list of Top 50 Surrogacy Blogson the internet and I’m honored to have you as part of this!"
It's always nice to be validated and acknowledged and making the top 50 on the Internet for Surrogacy is pretty awesome! I hope that my dear readers also feel that the information found on Surrogacy 101 is helpful and easy to understand! I appreciate your continued support!
Would you have a mail man sell your home for you just because he sees a lot of houses during his mail delivery route? NO? Well then don’t expect a family law attorney or a divorce lawyer to have the knowledge to draw up a surrogacy contract. It’s tempting to want to cut corners and save money but skimping on the contract phase is not the place to do that!
The gestational surrogacy contract, as well as the contracts for traditional surrogacy, are lengthy and complicated. The wording is very important and there are several sections outlining who is responsible for what and what happens under certain circumstances. It covers issues like what constitutes a breach of contract, who will be named guardian if something happened to the Intended Parents, what happens to the baby if it’s born with a deformity, and who is holding escrow and when are payments made? (Among many other things)
Make the investment and hire an attorney who knows the ins and outs of reproductive law. Not adoption law, not family law, but REPRODUCTIVE LAW. This lawyer can also handle the parentage actions needed to ensure that the Intended Parents names are on the birth certificate. If something should go wrong or there is a misunderstanding, the contract may hold the solutions.
The contract doesn’t promise that the humans who signed it will behave or that everything will go smoothly but it does make sure they everyone is following the “rules” and fulfilling expectations. A good surrogacy contract lends everyone a piece of mind during what can be a long and sometimes complicated process. Protect yourself and insist on the best lawyer for the job. (*NOTE: Both the IPs and the GC need their own attorneys, one lawyer to draw to up the contract and one to review the contract on behalf of the surrogate.)
Can we all say the word ILLEGAL all together? Surrogacy does not equate the selling of babies. No matter what some say, any money a surrogate may make is nothing compared to a full-time job. What payments a surrogate does receive is to either assist her in taking care of herself or taking care of the unborn baby she carries OR reimbursements for co-pays or incidentals needed to follow her contract throughout the surrogacy process.
A first-time surrogate receives between $28-$34 thousand. That may look like a lot but the average surrogacy journey lasts for at least 15-18 months. At the high end, that’s $1888 per month (for those that hate math). I wonder how much day care costs per week these days? And that would be 5 days a week for 9-10 hours. If it were 24/7 I would hazard a bet that it would be more then 2k per month. There is a benefit package that often accompanies the base fee which includes reimbursements for things like lost wages, child care, housekeeping, and maternity clothing, to name a few. There is also compensation for invasive procedures like amniocentesis, C-sections or D&C’s.
In Gestational Surrogacy, women are volunteering to carry a baby for another person or couple. Yes, there is money involved. Payments are also made to the clinic, the egg donor, the RE, the attorney, the mental health professionals, the pharmacy, the OBGYN, and the hospital. This list doesn’t include any specialist that might be involved with the pregnancy/birth. Surrogacy is an expensive process no matter how you look at it.
The thing to remember is surrogacy is an unselfish feeling that has to start in the heart. Of course there are other reasons and rewards that women may want to be a surrogate but the main point is helping others have the children they need to make them parents. It’s simple really. People helping people, families helping families. What could be wrong with that?
Today I am sharing a great article from the Huffington Post written by Jennifer “Jay” Palumbo Writer, Public Speaker, Infertility and Women's Rights Advocate! I was selected to participate in reading the 1985 version of the Handmaid's Tale by Margaret Atwood and then we discussed it during a Skype session and again on a phone conference AND then we answered more questions via email. Follow the link to see what we all thought about this controversial piece. If you also have read the book I know that we all would love to hear your take on it!
Here is one of my quotes (STRONG thoughts about this book and how it relates to Surrogacy): SHARON: I think they are very far from reality of surrogacy as it stands today here in the United States. Even in India, this would not be called surrogacy. This is rape. This is enslavement. This is kidnapping. This is inhumane.
Handmaid’s Tale: Separating Fertility Fact from Fiction
Below, some of my friends (who also happen to be fertility professionals) discuss the book based on the questions I put together after finally reading it. The questions below are more fertility focused but still hit on so many big issues. If YOU have read the book, I also hope you’ll share your comments below. For now, let me introduce you to the members of the book club! They are:
This is going to be a short post. If you are gay (or a single male) and are considering expanding your family via surrogacy, you need to have a full medical checkup first. If you are using your own sperm then you need a full Semen Analysis. Why? Because you don’t know how healthy your sperm is. A semen analysis measures three major factors of sperm health:
the number of sperm
the shape of the sperm
the movement of the sperm, also known as “sperm motility”
Doctors will often conduct two or three separate sperm analyses to get a good idea of sperm’s health. According to the American Association for Clinical Chemistry (AACC), the tests should be conducted at least seven days apart and over the course of two to three months. Sperm counts can vary on a daily basis.
Why go through all the work and expense of finding your egg donor, a gestational carrier or a traditional surrogate when you don’t know if you will also need a sperm donor or a little help with the egg fertilization? Look at your own health first and then move forward with the family building process.
Sorry but NO. Has it never happened before, an 18-year-old becoming a surrogate? I am sure it has in the past but there are many reasons that it is rare, especially in the USA. Here is my take on why it is best to wait until a woman is at least 21 to become a surrogate.
First, an 18-year-old with a baby, because she has to have had an uncomplicated pregnancy and birth AND parenting her own child as per most requirements, will have her hands full just parenting! Secondly, although she is of legal age to sign a contract, it could be challenged in court depending on the circumstances. Third, the rest of a woman’s fertile life has to be considered. There is a chance that she might lose her fertility due to a complication within the surrogacy pregnancy/birth. Although this is the same for older women it can be even more devastating for those under 21.
Very few 18-20 year old’s will pass the psychological evaluation due to maturity. Responsible and mature women with life experience make the better surrogate/carrier (one would hope). I know that statement will not be a popular one among those younger women but the truth is the surrogacy process is very expensive for Intended Parents. Upwards toward $125,000.00 and that means that the majority of the responsibility rests on the shoulders of the surrogate. She needs to take her part very seriously. A surrogate needs to follow all of the doctor’s orders. She needs to take all of her shots, pills, patches etc. at the right times. She needs to have reliable transportation to attend each and every appointment. She needs to take care of herself even if it means putting her own family on the back burner. If she is put on bedrest that means staying on bedrest, if she is told no sexual activities with her partner then that means NONE. If she is told she can’t lift more than 10 lbs. that means no picking up her 30-pound toddler. She needs to keep track of every receipt, bill, statement and parking permit throughout the process.
Needless to say, for those of you who are under 21 and dream about becoming a surrogate, just wait. Do all of your research, read the qualifications and requirements and be ready when the time comes to fill out that application. Your heart is in the right place and that is the first step!
Searching for someone to help you build your family is never easy no matter what you read in the magazines or online. Because of the long list of requirements and qualifications, even the most warm hearted and kind women can be rejected for seemingly the simplest reasons. This makes it very difficult to find the right surrogacy candidates even for agencies. Think of it this way: First, the age group of 21-38 (sometimes through 40 depending), then only those who have had an uncomplicated pregnancy and birth are considered. Out of that group, healthy weight and lifestyle (BMI below 30, nonsmokers or drinkers, no STD’s or medical issues such as depression etc.) will continue on. The field is narrowed even further with only those women who are not on state or federal assistance and have their own transportation.
Now, if the woman you are looking for has passed all of these hurdles she still needs to pass a psychological and medical evaluation. More importantly she has to WANT to be a surrogate. Most women do not. They are raising their own families and/or have a career to consider. Or they hated being pregnant. These women may not have husbands or partners who would be supportive of the whole idea of surrogacy. Even if a woman wanted to be a surrogate and met every requirement listed above, if she lives in a state that criminalizes surrogacy, you are both out of luck.
On top of all of these guidelines, requirements, stipulations and so on….there are the “wish lists”. Intended Parents may want a woman who lives locally to them or at least in the same surrogacy friendly state, they may want someone who is of the same religion or race, or they may want someone who will follow a certain diet like vegan or vegetarian for example. They may want a “stay at home mom” or someone without very young children. How about a woman who has her own insurance that allows surrogacy arrangements? And what about her base fee? Low compensation in order to save money? Or maybe money isn’t a issue and the IPs are wanting someone who has been a surrogate before. Not just an experienced surrogate but a successful surrogate. Oh! And someone who would be willing to carry twins! The list can grow very long.
Let’s not forget the surrogate’s side of things. She has her own ideas on who she carries a baby for. She may want a couple who are gay….or not. She might consider carrying for someone who is single or International. She will want her husband or partner to like the Intended Parents too. She might want someone who will allow her to keep in touch after the birth, pump breast milk, or she has visions of lifelong friendship. Maybe she has plans for the money she will make as a surrogate so she is asking for top compensation for her services. She might sign on with an agency or feel like she can “go independent” with no representation. The surrogate’s list can be very long too!
Now I know I haven’t listed all possibilities but this post is just to highlight why finding a surrogate mother, gestational carrier is anything but easy. However, don’t give up hope! Keep your wish list short and your expectations reasonable. You can hire an agency to help you but know that it’s not usual for you to find a match in a week or even a month. These things take time and patience. Surrogacy is not for the faint hearted but for those who persevere.
There was a recent surrogacy news article about a Dutch gay couple and their surrogate. She gave birth and the couple was very happy…until the DNA test came back and the baby was actually the Traditional Surrogate’s and her husband’s baby girl. How did this happen? Apparently, the surrogate and her husband had intercourse instead of abstaining when she should have. Needless to say, the gay couple had to give the baby back. You can read all about this case here: http://www.dutchnews.nl/news/archives/2017/05/gay-couple-told-to-hand-back-baby-to-surrogate-after-dna-tests/ ‘As gay parents, you actually have no rights,’ Janssen told the AD. ‘Everything depends on the mother’s willingness and good faith. Apart from an internet checklist, we had nothing on paper.’ It seems that they skipped may steps including drawing up a contract!
This is just one of many examples as to why hiring professionals to assist you during the surrogacy process is so important. DNA testing, especially within a traditional arrangement, can be so important. Don't skimp on surrounding yourself with knowledgeable and competent professionals.
It’s so nice when you are struggling to find someone to carry your baby for you, a person from your friends or family list steps up and volunteers to help you build your family in the most intimate of ways. Some may think that all they need to do is inform their clinic that they have found a woman to be their carrier and assume that the clinic will just walk them through the process. Not so! I strongly suggest that any IP or woman who wants to be a surrogate do some research before spending a dime.
As wonderful as an offer of surrogacy is, make sure that your friend or family member is qualified. After saying Thank YOU! call your clinic and see what their requirements are for a gestational carrier. There might be an age range (21-40), healthy BMI range, she has to have had a uncomplicated pregnancy and currently parenting her child/children, non-smoker, not on (most) medication to name a few qualifications. Don’t assume that just because she has had a good pregnancy in her past that she will automatically qualified. You want the best person to be your surrogate and even if emotionally your choice seems like a good one there is a lot to be said about a healthy body too!
Unfortunately, not all US states have jumped on the surrogacy band wagon! These 5 states are not surrogacy friendly at all (meaning that women from these states should not give birth to a surrogate baby within state lines) Louisiana has very limited laws and I suggest that you talk to a reproductive attorney before you even consider LA. Michigan is a very emphatic NO along with New Jersey and New York. A surrogate could be criminally charged. Washington state allows “compassionate, non-compensated” surrogacy arrangements but all other paid arrangements are considered criminal.
Heterosexual Intended Parents from the above states can work with a surrogate in any of the surrogate friendly states. Gay or single intended parents also have to be aware of the laws in certain states. Here is a great website to learn about each states surrogacy laws from Family Connections GESTATIONAL SURROGACY LAW ACROSS THE UNITED STATES.
Remember that these laws often change and contacting a local reproductive attorney BEFORE you get started in a state you are unsure of is the best advice I can give you.
Wednesday I had the pleasure of hearing Dr. Alice Domar speak on the topic of "Reducing the Burden of Care" at the Seattle Tacoma Area Reproductive Society’s meeting (STARS) in Seattle. What a great subject especially for those in the fertility field who have set out to help their patients and clients navigate the process of infertility treatments and, at the same time, maintaining a positive mind set. Dr. Domar introduced this great phone app that she helped design called FertiCalm. http://www.ferticalmapp.com This app can be used by women who need coping techniques in everyday situations. (Alice says they are currently working on an app just for men.)
Coping for Every Situation…Any time, Any Place, Anywhere. FertiCalm provides a variety of more than 500 custom coping options for over 50 specific situations which have the potential to cause distress throughout the family building journey located right on your phone.
Dr. Domar and Dr. Grill, the creators of this app, are reproductive psychologists with over 45 years combined experience, at two of the most prominent infertility centers in the US. They provide counseling for women, men and couples as they work to build their families and saw an unmet need. Many people don't have the time, money, or geographical access to see a therapist specially trained in infertility counseling. While FertiCalm is not substitute for treatment with a licensed therapist or psychologist, FertiCalm serves as a helpful resource for women in the exact moment they feel distress, whenever and wherever they are, by providing them with coping techniques for many common social scenarios faced by women on their family building journey.
Check it out and let everyone know what you think! Please leave feedback here, in the comments section!
In Vitro Fertilization is a true miracle to those needing extra help conceiving a child. Sometimes IVF alone is not the answer, especially for gay couples or women with medical conditions like cancer. When another woman is needed, a gestational carrier, IVF breathes new hope into a once seemingly hopeless situation.
No fertility clinic that I know will guarantee a pregnancy on the first attempt of IVF (or on the 4th attempt for that matter) The intended parents are the people who usually choose the RE/clinic so we all hope that they have done their homework regarding live birth statistics. All involved also hope that any embryos that are made and transferred are of great quality. They hope that the eggs and sperm are from the most perfect source. There is a LOT of hope involved in IVF BUT, surprise surprise, even if everything is deemed A+, Grade 1, “Excellent”, and the carrier has the “best lining I have ever seen” the IVF process can still fail! And because of this fact, the surrogacy agreement often will state that it will cover the time frame of up to 3 IVF attempts.
My best advice beyond “expect the worst but hope for the best” is for intended parents to do their research and find the best clinic they can afford. Secondly, be prepared for an IVF cycle not to work for no good reason. Everyone is doing their job and it will still fail because we are human and nothing is perfect. Keep the hope, follow doctor’s orders, know that you are not alone but be realistic. Everyone wants the same thing. A healthy pregnancy and birth.
Don’t we all wish this were true! But over the past decade or so most insurance companies have revised their policies to exclude surrogacy arrangements. Some policies are vague and read as if there is some wiggle room but a surrogate candidate must be very careful as she reviews her policy. If bills pertaining to a surrogacy pregnancy and birth are submitted to an insurance company that decides that payment is not their responsibility, several things can happen. First, remember all surrogacy contracts state that the Intended Parents are responsible for all medical bills in relation to the surrogacy arrangement. Most, if not all, medical bills are in the name of the surrogate so as she receives these bills she is expected to arrange payment. If these bills are submitted in a timely manner then the IPs may pay them as soon as possible, perhaps money from the escrow account would be used or maybe they will arrange payments with the OBGYN or hospital. If the insurance company takes it’s time with the decision, the escrow account could be emptied and closed as well as the Intended Parents leave the state or the country (If they are International) and these bills could be left for the surrogate to be responsible for.
This has happened several times. What can be done to make sure that an insurance policy will be held up and make the payments expected? First, have a professional review the entire insurance policy. If there is any question then the Intended Parents need to invest in a backup plan or full surrogacy insurance coverage backed by a Lloyds of London policy. No one wants to be left with bills after giving an amazing gift of life and family, just as no intended parent wants to be stuck with unexpected medical debt.
On Twitter and Facebook I have started the #SurrogacyMyth which is a way to not only dispel current myth’s about the surrogacy process but a discussion starter for those who need or want more information. I also have invited anyone who has a #SurrogacyMyth to share in the comments section of this blog! My next few blog posts will start to bust these myths!
Yes, you read that right...go with your gut, go with your instincts, go with your feelings...Do NOT just push ahead without acknowledging that something has given you pause!
Too many Intended Parents, desperate as most are when they reach the decision to move ahead with a surrogacy situation, IGNORE crucial facts and gut feelings that are staring them in the face. They have met their potential surrogate online or through a friend...maybe through an attorneys office or even an agency BUT....it's the BUT that needs to be explored. BUT the woman/surrogate is on medicaid, But she is 19, But she doesn't have transportation, But her husband, boyfriend, significant other is against the arrangement OR pushing for more money, But she has put ALL her children up for adoption, But she is hard to contact, But she is slow to make appointments...it can go on and on...what is THAT telling YOU? It is telling you, Intended Parent, to move on! Surrogacy is not something to jump into, take lightly or think money will cure these issues. Make sure that you have a comfort level you can live with before you sign that contract. (You ARE going to have a contract, right?!?!?) You will never be 100% comfortable but YOU can be reassured that moving in the same direction with the right person will alleviate most of the"But" factors.
This is the last day for National Infertility Awareness Week! I have 2 books 'Surrogacy Helps Make a Family Grow!' by Sharon LaMothe for surrogate mothers to share with their children or for Intended Parents to give to their surrogate for her own child! A $16.00 value. E-mail me your name, address and why you are interested in winning to SurroMatchFL@aol.com to be entered into this drawing by Sunday April 30th. Postage is included and the winner will have their signed book mailed out to them next week! (all names and addresses kept confidential if requested. Initials maybe used when announcing the winners!)
Wouldn't it be great to have a crystal ball and know what your future holds for you and your new potential Intended Parents? Doesn't it all start out like a romance movie? Maybe you hook up with a "dating service" or go on the Internet. You read profiles and letters and finally pick a likely candidate. You might exchange e-mails or talk on the phone. You hear stories of hopes, dreams, complications and confusion. You share your values and lifestyle. And then perhaps a date...lunch? Dinner? ahhhh the glow, the euphoria of finding the "right" match. And then drip drip drop it starts to rain on the parade...just a drizzle at first. Nothing to stop the momentum, you can still see a slice of blue sky, but you get out the umbrella anyway. Perhaps this happens during contract negations. The IP's who were once so grateful for finding you want you to lower your "fee". (by 35% and Heavens! NO! they do not want to use an escrow agent!!) They want you to promise not to work during the pregnancy but they don't want to pay lost wages either. They want you to use your insurance at the infertility clinic so that they don't have to pay for the medications. (Thankfully most clinics won't do this!) They want you to go to California or Illinois for the transfer but don't want to pay child care for YOUR KIDS while you are gone. Hummmmmm If this pattern is starting now, during the contract phase, what's to say that it will be any different when you are pregnant? Maybe its time to rethink this match.
I know of many women who just WANT to be surrogates SO BADLY they are willing to overlook a multitude of red flags. You can say no. You can back that train up and get OFF. Before you sign anything, PLEASE make it clear what YOUR expectations are. If you have a surrogacy agency, PLEASE have a conversation with them on where you stand on your base fees, benefits, selective reduction, abortion and everything that is near and dear to your heart. PLEASE do your home work! You will be much happier with your experience.
I have posted about the topic of Selective Reduction in the past. Carolyn Zinn, who wrote the post of her experience, below, has given birth to triplets and she has some wonderful insights on the decision of selective reduction. I decided, instead of listing this post as a comment, it needed its own place on the blog. Thanks Carolyn and thank you for sharing your thoughts on this very important topic.
"I feel this information couldn't be stressed more. I have been a personal friend of Sharon's for many years and we have shared numerous surrogacy experiences and feelings throughout those years. I am THRILLED she has put together such a wonderful blog for those involved in the infertility world. I am a Gestational Surrogate 3X and I carried triplets my first time (in 2000) of which compels me to respond to this topic. Although I entered into my first surrogacy with the purest intent and deepest desire to help a couple have a child, I had no idea what all was involved, but at the time, it really didn't matter... I was going to do this! It wasn't until I was matched and entered into the contract stage that I realized how many issues I had to think about, be comfortable with and agree to. However, I was totally determined and nothing was going to stand in my way. I put a lot of thought into what my true feelings were concerning abortion, selective reduction and other related issues and if there is anything that I have stressed to intended parents and surrogates in the past.
It is imperative that everyone be completely honest about their needs and desires. As Sharon stated in her post regarding selective reduction , one never knows what is going to happen and you truly need to feel comfortable with and be able to live with whatever may arise. I never dreamed that we would end up pregnant with triplets but it had been decided by myself and my IP's that there would be no selective reduction and we agreed to no more than three embryos’ implanted. Boy... was that a good judgment call. We placed three excellent quality embryos back and low and behold... they all three took. Our journey was one to be treasured and the outcome was nothing short of incredible. All three babies were delivered at 33 and a half weeks (considered full term for triplets) and extremely healthy. They are beautiful and thriving but myself and my IP's often have said that we can’t even imagine not having one of them around if we had done a selective reduction. Please think and re-think things before agreeing to anything. If you find a couple and your expectations are different, don't feel bad for not working with them... don't think you will never find anyone else... or they will never find anyone else... follow your heart and move on. You each will eventually find that "right" match and everyone will be happy no matter what happens."
Did that all sound stuffy enough for you? (read Money and Babies Part One) I have to admit that during my first surrogacy I had NO ESCROW AGENT.....Oh My! But I also have to admit that we had no financial issues. At least none that I really remember. I do recall thinking I was over paid once and having that argument over the phone 6 months pregnant with twins was not appreciated by my IF. Needless to say I was wrong. I have to clarify that the people I had agreed to carry for were not complete strangers and therefore we already had a relationship based on trust. I trusted that they were going to do what they said they would do (it was all clearly written in the contract) and I felt that they trusted me well enough to be true to my word. No one in 1998 even suggested an escrow agent.
Then my second surrogacy (again with twins, due in 2005) was with a couple that I did not know as well and we all agreed to deposit the surrogacy money with their attorney in CA. I have to say that the office that held the escrow had a great system which included cutting checks one day of the week and had guidelines on when to submit for reimbursements via fax. The only issue I had that really upset me was that for an entire year after the twins were born the hospital was not paid $1,400 for the anesthesia used during the C-section. (Ok, Raise your hand if you EVER had or heard of having a C-section without anesthesia ???) Because the escrow agent/ attorney only held money for me and my surrogacy related bills, funds for any other bills such as hospital and other medical costs were not available. I continued to get threats and bills from the hospital....which I quickly forwarded to my IP's. $1,400 really damaged the relationship between myself and my IP's. It took well past the twins 1st birthday to have this issue resolved. (BTW the resolution was them just paying the hospital the full amount directly...something that could have been done months before!)
So this brings us to my second point in the long, drawn out subject of money and babies...Surrogacy and Egg donation, along with all the professionals involved, cost MONEY and this all happens before the baby/babies are born. (and please don't let the word "donation" fool you) It's after the birth that your child continues to cost you!
Intended Parents: Please make sure that you have enough money in your account to cover all the costs, potential or otherwise. Please remember that at all times this pregnancy is YOURS and not your surrogates'. Please take notice when your surrogate is sending you (or your escrow agent) an OBGYN, anesthesia and other medical bills pertaining to your baby that it is your bill no matter who's name is on it. And Please remember that when your surrogate has just gone through labor or an operation to deliver YOUR baby it is always appropriate to send flowers, a token of your appreciation and even a heartfelt card with a gift certificate in it no matter how much money this process costs because this is the woman who gave YOU the gift that will keep on giving, the gift of life.
This is something that is talked about in religion, politics and among those who want kids...and don't have them. To be blunt, often times it comes down to the money when a decision is made (to move forward with a surrogacy) on any or all of the following; Agency services, Clinic's used, what "optional" testing is done, who is chosen to donate eggs, who is chosen to be the surrogate and who the lawyers are. Even if money isn't a huge issue for the Intended Parents, no one wants to feel that they are being taken advantage of. I am not suggesting that people should not compare the costs however I believe that you may get what you pay for. (or worse yet, NOT) Before prices perhaps, as far as the professionals are concerned, services and reputations need to be compared. As far as Egg Donors go, before looking at her "cost" see if she has all the qualities that you are looking for in the genetic make up of your potential offspring. When you are choosing a woman to carry your baby then perhaps you first need to see if she is someone you feel confident can build a mutual relationship with based on honesty and trust. (Not on how much her base fee is).
Now lets talk about that money issue. First, no matter how much money we are talking about, all funds pertaining to the surrogacy should be deposited into an escrow account. This escrow agent would be responsible for cutting the checks directly to the surrogate for the start of medication fee, transfer fees and any monthly fees. Also, any monetary reimbursements that are mentioned in the contract which can include maternity clothing, travel expenses, child care and house keeping services. No matter what the financial issue, the surrogate would be instructed to contact the escrow agent for any and all questions and requests regarding reimbursement. If the escrow agent then has a question regarding the request, it is then his or her job to directly contact the IP's. This usually keeps a nice buffer between the IP and the SM. Having the money handled in this manner allows the IP's to concentrate on the pregnancy, the person carrying their baby, and the relationship in general and not the money. (Although it will always be in the back of any responsible person's mind who needs to keep track of the budget, however, when it has all been deposited into an account up front then its easier for all involved to relax.)
OK, I admit it....I just have to chuckle to myself when someone says they want to be pregnant by, say, the new year or by their next birthday or before their 5 year old is out of kindergarten....or they would like to be matched by next month so they can hit that next cycle or better yet, have a transfer in 2 months.... Please realize that in the world of A.R.T. it truly is an art form! A delicate dance with many partners. First, you have to find that perfect couple or surrogate (your full time partner for this dance), then you have to meet the RE and have all the clinical testing done in order to be cleared for the IVF procedure. There is a visit to the psychologist as well. From there, contracts have to be drawn up, agreed upon and signed...and don't forget that all of these professionals have their own time tables! If an egg donor is included in this waltz around the room, then HER cycle needs to be taken into consideration...and lets see, the clinic may "batch you" which means that they only perform transfers one week during the month...and maybe not in December or July. (perhaps closed for vacations, holidays and lab cleanings) And then there are the unplanned situations that may arise during all of this 'scheduling' like a death in the family, the ED didn't stimulate well, the frozen embryos all died during the thaw, a polyp was found during the mock transfer and needs to be removed, a failed transfer, and so on and so forth.
A note on my personal experiences: For my first surrogacy we signed contracts in 1998 and I gave birth to twins in March of 2000 and for my second surrogacy I wanted to retire from being a surrogate by the time I was 40. I met my couple at age 39 and ended up giving birth to their twins shortly after I turned 41.
The best way to protect yourself from continual frustration is not to have any time expectations. I don't mean allow people to drag their feet or for situations to continue to go unresolved but to move forward at a steady pace, together. Keep in close contact with everyone involved and try to have an idea of the issues that may pop up or slow down the process. Work on each phase of your ART journey without jumping too far ahead of yourself. Be aware of everyone else's time constraints and the future will take care of itself!
Although Surrogacy has made itself well known or, dare I say it, popular, still I believe that the general population wonder what motivates women to become surrogate mothers or gestational carriers. It is understood that infertile couples or singles will explore all their options, surrogacy included, but why in the world would a perfectly healthy woman want to go through a pregnancy, labor and delivery for mere strangers? (which happens in a majority of the cases.)
The first conclusion usually is money. I would like to dispel that myth right away. A first time carrier with her own health insurance may be entitled to compensation/reimbursements between $25,000 and $30,000. What is this money used for? Its illegal to 'sell' a baby, or your body for that matter, so why is money involved at all? This compensation is to be used while the surrogate is pregnant with a child to support her throughout the pregnancy. She can use it for anything she likes but it is earmarked for food, insurance, local transportation, and general living expenses. Other 'benefits' listed in a contract may be clothing, child care, out of state travel, house keeping and invasive procedures. Often it takes months before a surrogate becomes pregnant and even then it may take 2 or 3 IVF treatments. Any compensation is minimal. She quickly finds that she could make more money working at a fast food restaurant for minimum wage!
Perhaps attention is the motivator? Some women enjoy being the center of attention while pregnant and as a surrogate, attention is a huge part of the journey! Not only is her own family focused on her but her IP's and their family are all in the picture...waiting for the big day to arrive. It is a heady feeling and maybe one of the many reasons why some women become surrogates more then once.
Could it be that she actually enjoys being pregnant? A woman who is raising her own children may have LOVED being pregnant however, as much as she adores her own kids, economically it's just not feasible to raise a dozen or more babies...so combined with helping another couple she can enjoy the experience of being pregnant again.
Maybe the reward in being a surrogate is helping another family enjoy what she already has, babies.....a new generation...a branch on the family tree. Seeing the faces of her Intended Parents as she sees them holding THEIR own baby is sometimes all the incentive that some women need.
Honestly I think its a combination of all of the above. Any extra money that comes into a home, through surrogacy or a raise or a windfall, is always welcomed. I have heard of some women buying a much needed car, taking their family on a dream vacation, paying off bills, paying tuition for their own child and yes, even a down payment on a house. Having the ability to help another family and enjoying all the gratitude and rewards that come with that is a wonderful feeling....one that stays with you for the rest of your life especially if the relationship lives up to what you dreamed it should be. Knowing that, as a surrogate, there is a little life out there making some very special people happy is a wonderful feeling. A heady experience that, often times, makes a woman willing to carry for someone else again....and again!
It is income tax season; the April 15th filing deadline is less than two months away. Many people have already filed and may even have spent their return at one of the many Valentine's Day, President’s Day, or just because sales already.
If you were a surrogate or an egg donor in 2016 and received compensation you need to be aware of your obligation to report the compensation as gross income. I have heard many donors and carriers state that the compensation was for “pain and suffering” or that they did not receive a 1099, so they do not have to claim the money as income. This is not correct. The 2015 case of Perez v. Commissioner, 144 T.C. 4 (2015), made it clear that an egg donor is required to report the compensation she received for the egg donation process. The Court made this ruling even though the contracts Perez signed with both the agency and the intended parents specifically stated that she was not being paid for her eggs and that the donor fee was for her “time, effort, inconvenience, pain and suffering.” In reaching this conclusion the Court found that in order for income to be tax-free due to “pain and suffering” that it had to be the result of damages arising out of an injury (a tort). The Court further stated that Perez’s physical pain was a voluntary act; “a byproduct of performing a service contract, and…not to compensate her for some unwanted invasion against her bodily integrity.”
Although there is not a specific case at this time relative to gestational carriers or surrogates, the analysis is likely to be the same. Like egg donors surrogates enter into contracts with agencies and intended parents about the service they will provide. Like egg donors surrogates undergo medical procedures as part of that agreement. If a pregnancy results, the pregnancy itself may be difficult and involve additional medical procedures, but even under the best of circumstances pregnancy is rarely comfortable. Many surrogates argue they should not have to pay an income tax on the money they receive for compensation of their services due to “pain and suffering.” Reading the Perez case it is easy to see why this argument would likely fail if an individual was audited.
As a result of the Perez case more agencies than before are issuing 1099 forms to surrogates and egg donors. However, it is important to remember that receiving a 1099 does not trigger the obligation to report income; receiving income triggers the obligation. I recommend that anyone who was a surrogate or an egg donor consult with a tax professional and suggest that you share a copy of Perez with that professional. If you are planning to be a donor or surrogate you may also want to consult with a tax professional in advance of negotiating your compensation, so that you may plan for what could be a significant tax liability.
Chrissy Hanisco is an attorney who practices in New Hampshire and Massachusetts with a focus on third party assisted reproductive law and adoption. Chrissy’s entire legal career has been focused on assisting others in difficult situations. After personally battling infertility she decided to use her legal skills to help others build their families. She is an active member of RESOLVE New England, the American Bar Association’s Assisted Reproductive Technologies Committee, and Parents Via Egg Donation. Locally, she is a Board member of Capital Region Mothers of Multiples. She lives in Concord, New Hampshire with her partner, their twin fraternal boys, her stepson, and their faithful, yet slightly neurotic Labrador retriever, Luke. The Stein Law Firm, PLLC
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Once Intended Parents start the search for a surrogate mother, whether its in an independent situation or through an agency setting, they will soon come a crossed the phrase "base fee". What is this fee for? Who sets these fees? Isn't it the same as 'paying' a surrogate? Why is the word compensation used?
Let me illuminate you on the "base fee factors". In general, a base fee is to cover the 9 months or 40 weeks your surrogate will be pregnant with your child/children. It is very rare for any of the base fee monies to be distributed before you see a heart beat on the ultra sound monitor. The base fee is commonly broken down into monthly payments, however these are not always equal monthly installments. Lets use a fee of $20,000. The break down may look like this:
Month one: $1,500
Month two: $1,500
Month three: $2,000
Month four: $2,000
Month five: $2,000
Month six: $2,500
Month seven: $2,500
Month eight: $3,000
Month nine: $3,000
These fees are usually strategically set up like above in a contract because there are so many times that a miscarriage can happen in the first couple of months of a pregnancy. This way the Intended Parents are not out a huge amount of money and the surrogate is compensated for the time that she actually did carry.
Lets remember that babies are born on their own time table and so if a baby or babies are born early the amount that is left over is put into one last check and given to the surrogate with in 14 days after the birth (or whatever is stated in the contract). In the case of multiples an extra amount is often added usually from month 5-9.
So who sets these fees? Good question! Basically attorneys and agencies know state by state what those judges will tolerate regarding a surrogacy fee. This is why you don't see women being surrogates and charging $100,000! If a judge sees an amazingly large amount of money in a contract that fact alone will raise the following questions: "Was this woman coerced? Is she selling her body?, Is she selling a baby?" This is why the base fee is often labeled compensation or reimbursement or even living expenses. Surrogates are supposed to be carrying a child, not to make money, but instead, for altruistic reasons. Any money involved is to support the surrogate and the unborn baby throughout the process. The point is that no money should be coming out of the surrogates family budget to support her while she is a surrogate.
The average base fees being asked for by agencies for their surrogates looks something like this:
First time surrogate with her own health insurance: $35,000-$45,000
First time surrogate without her own health insurance: $30,000-$40,000
Second time surrogate with her own health insurance: $55,000-$60,000
Second time surrogate without her own health insurance: $45,000-$50,000
Third and forth time surrogates with health insurance can request anything up to $60,000 + and those without $50,000+.
Yes, there are some variations but this configuration is the most common. Insurance companies are adding surrogacy exclusions each time they print up a new policy! They feel that if money is being exchanged then their policy shouldn't be used as a bargaining chip. If a surrogate is on Medicaid then she can not, under any circumstances, use government insurance! This is FRAUD and is punishable by the law. Surrogates without insurance need to be insured ASAP through one of the few companies that have policy especially for those involved in third party reproduction or family building. New Life or ART RISK are a couple of these insurance agencies. Needless to say these are very expensive policies which is why an uninsured surrogate is compensated less then those who carry their own health insurance policies with maternity coverage.
Research is always recommended and when you have questions about compensation or insurance policies finding an experienced consultant or reproductive specialist is a must.
Additional questions? Check out LaMothe Surrogacy Consulting http://www.lamothesurrogacyconsulting.com Save $150.00 with our fall consulting special!
Prospective Intended Parents and Carriers need to be aware that they are embarking upon an investment of time, money and risk when they enter into a surrogacy arrangement together.If you are a Carrier, you are taking time out of you and your family's life and investing that time toward your intended parent's dream of having a child.If you are an Intended Parent, you are asking someone to assume a certain amount of risk to help achieve your dream of having a child.Clearly, there are no guarantees offered by the Infertility Clinics.That being the case, prior to entering into this arrangement you should be aware that some risks can be minimized.Insurance or insurances are the best ways to offset some of the risk inherent to your relationship together. The time to check these issues is now, not after you enter the Surrogacy contract. The reimbursements that will be paid to a carrier will depend upon whether or not you have insurance coverage.Your contract will need to address this issue, and make an appropriate accommodation.Pregnancy and birth are expensive.Health insurance can go a long way toward minimizing the financial risk.Depending on your state of residence, the costs will vary according to age, health and deductibles. Get the lowest deductible you can afford.
Insurance companies are in the business of making money and will go out of their way to not pay benefits.As an educated consumer, you must be sure that you have obstetrics coverage.Next be sure that you have been covered long enough that your pregnancy will not be deemed a preexisting condition for which benefits can be declined.Finally, check the "exclusions" section of the policy to be sure that a surrogacy arrangement does not take you out of coverage.If you are married and the health insurance is through your spouse's employer, check that policy.Occasionally when obstetrics is not part of the normal benefit package you can add it for an additional fee.
Another consideration of risk is your carrier's life.Why?Because there is a risk of death with any pregnancy and there needs to be a fund of money available to her family should she not be there for them.We recommend a minimum of $250,000 of life insurance for a carrier. This amount can be adjusted according to the carrier's profession, number of children she has and most importantly, what makes her family comfortable with the extra risk she is undertaking.From a legal perspective, having life insurance in effect through pregnancy helps provide financial insulation from a lawsuit should there be a birth related death.
A final consideration is insuring your carrier's ability to work.When a carrier is a stay-at-home parent, her duties have a certain value to her family.When a carrier has a job outside of the home, shehelps provide another income stream and raises her family's lifestyle.
If a carrier becomes disabled due to surrogacy, the losses need to be replaced.One way to view the value of the loss is to determine the out of pocket cost to replace her contribution to the household.What is the cost of hiring a housekeeper, a cook or additional daycare while the carrier is on forced bedrest?Most Surrogacy Contracts address this issue with an out of pocket payment.Another alternative may be a short or long term disability insurance policy.Both may be considered to provide seamless coverage till the end of the contract, but certainly a long term disability would have the worst effect upon the carrier's financial well being.
Of course, by now you are wondering how much does this all cost? Costs will vary according to the carrier's age, health, height/weight ratio and lifestyle (smoker/non smoker) as well as the value placed upon the risk.The best time to get an idea of the cost and of any problems with underwriting is during the matching process so that the cost can be allocated within the Surrogacy Agreement.
Additional questions? Check out LaMothe Surrogacy Consulting http://www.lamothesurrogacyconsulting.com Save $150.00 with our fall consulting special!
For some patients, gestational surrogacy is an option, if repeat implantation failure is a problem. This is particularly true if PGD normal embryos have been transferred, and the rest of the evaluation is negative. I started working with surrogates in 1992. Until recently, virtually all the agencies I worked with held to standard that surrogacy should only be considered when the intended mother really cannot safely carry a pregnancy to term.
A recent tragic death of a surrogate mother from a rare but well-know pregnancy complication known as abruption of the placenta, underscores the ethical problem with asking women to serve as surrogates for non-medical reasons. To the family of this unfortunate woman, the reason she was surrogate does not matter right now. However, for those of us who defend the practice of compensated surrogacy in the United States, it is an important reminder that the practice should only be allowed for legitimate medical purposes. Dying from a pregnancy-related complication is so rare in the U.S., that many people take it for granted and feel it is acceptable to transfer the risks of pregnancy to another woman. Somehow, a tragedy like this seems less egregious, if the surrogate mother was doing it for a woman who otherwise could not have a child.
Why the change in social attitude and acceptance of the looser standards? One possible reason is the recent rise in the popularity of doing surrogacy in less developed countries like Mexico. Most of these programs have a “no questions asked” policy, and financial reward for the surrogates is an important incentive. Also, we have seen an increase in wealthy women from certain countries that can easily carry a baby, but see gestational surrogacy as a way to obtain a U.S. passport for their child. Finally, there are some misconceptions about medical facts. For instance, many women in their late reproductive years forties erroneously think that surrogates have a better chance for success than they do. Ironically, many of these women are only in their late thirties or early forties, and we still work with healthy surrogate mothers in this age range!
Critics of compensated surrogacy will point to the financial benefits as an inducement for women to take this risk. In my experience, this may be true in poor countries. However, in the U.S., the agencies I work with do not accept indigent women, and the compensation to these wonderful women, when amortized over the whole pregnancy amounts to less than minimum wage.
In conclusion, while the serious risks of pregnancy in the U.S. are small, they do exist. The recent tragedy is a reminder of this and should make us all reflect on the importance of maintaining a high ethical standard in deciding which patients should benefit from surrogacy. Along with the more common and less serious complications, combined with the major imposition of a surrogate mother and her family, appropriate compensation still seems reasonable. However, the financial compensation should not induce women to take these risks. Intended parents and health care professionals alike should keep these risks in mind when they consider moving forward with gestational surrogacy.
The options of starting a family through surrogacy are peaking. Demand and competition are driving the clinical costs down, and it's more affordable for couples who want their own biological child or who want to raise a newborn through the gift of surrogacy and egg donation.
The giver of the gift of surrogacy and the people who are accepting it have needs and expectations of how the relationship should develop. If a comprehensive plan hasn't been made, then complications can arise.
Let's start by giving a hypothetical situation. Mr. and Mrs. Smith need the help of a surrogate. They accept the offer from a friend, Mary. They feel comfortable with this friendship and trust that this woman will take care of herself during the pregnancy. Mary asks for a certain amount of money to cover costs during pregnancy, and the Smiths agree. In the back of their mind, Mary is being "paid" to carry their baby.
Mary gets pregnant via in vitro fertilization (IVF) and is now carrying twins for the Smiths. The Smiths call her every day to see how she is. They ask if they can do anything. They want to attend all the appointments. They ask the OB if Mary's working, eating, sleeping and sexual activities are OK for their babies.
Mary feels overwhelmed and micromanaged. After all, she has given birth before, and she knows what she is doing. Resentment sets in. Soon she is avoiding phone calls and gritting her teeth through appointments, and her husband is wondering what in the world they got themselves into! The Smiths feel her pulling away and become worried and start to mistrust her actions. They have a right to ask these questions. After all, they are "paying" her, and she is carrying their children. The rest of the pregnancy is filled with stress on both sides, as Mary now can't wait to give birth and get these people off her back.
The babies are born healthy and strong, and the Smiths take them home. Now Mary hardly EVER hears from them. It may be months before she even sees them, and they used to be close friends. She feels used and left behind, forgetting how she felt during the pregnancy. Regret sets in.
As for the Smiths, they are coping with two new lives! They are not getting the sleep they used to and bills from the surrogacy and new babies are piling up. Their lives have been turned upside down, and they can barely get time alone with each other let alone make calls to Mary.
Discussing Expectations
Can you see what happened? No one really discussed expectations. The before, during and after pregnancy relationship needs were not met, and therefore, a bad taste has been left behind where the beauty of families working together to bring a much-wanted child into the world should have been.
Before anyone makes the choice of surrogacy, certain aspects need to be thoroughly thought out and discussed. Here is a short list:
* Should a family member be asked to be a surrogate?
* Would a friend be a good choice? (If the answer is yes in either of these categories, then there is a separate list of concerns to think about.)
* What race, religion and marital status would you like a surrogate to be?
* What is the working status preference of a surrogate?
* What do you envision your role in the pregnancy?
* What are your expectations as to the amount of contact with the surrogate during and after the pregnancy?
* What are the financial expectations, and how will that be handled?
These questions are just the tip of the iceberg, but they open up a dialog and can make a huge difference in a surrogate relationship.
Having someone to mediate is also helpful. A successful surrogate arrangement can be done independently, but having a third party assist you with relationship management can be invaluable. Having a third party to handle the escrow account can be a great relief on both the intended parents and surrogate. Mixing the topics of money and babies is a sticky situation at best and should be avoided - if possible - in order to concentrate on the pregnancy and the surrogacy relationship. A well-managed escrow account can also make all the difference.
Additional questions? Check out LaMothe Surrogacy Consulting http://www.lamothesurrogacyconsulting.com Save $150.00 with our fall consulting special!
If you are considering attempting a surrogacy arrangement independently, there are many issues to consider. Often times, when trying to cut financial corners and when desperation and vulnerability are a part of the picture, some may find themselves in a courtroom fighting for their baby just because one (or more) of these top 10 mistakes were made! I will explain each one in upcoming posts however I would love to hear from you especially if you have something to add!
Top 10 Don'ts When Planning a Surrogacy Arrangement
10) Don't work with a woman under the age of 21
9) Don't work with a woman who has never given birth to a child of her own
8) Don't use a contract downloaded from the Internet with no legal guidance
7) Don't use the sperm from an ex boyfriend
6) Don't work with a Surrogate who lives in a state that makes "commercial surrogacy contracts" unenforceable
5) Don't 'do' in home insemination's
4) Don't have the compensation payments to your surrogate come directly from you-use an escrow agent
3) Don't forget to pay all the bills regarding the surrogacy and pregnancy in a timely manner
2) Don't have your surrogate stay with you for more then a week if at all possible
1) Don't forget the Psychological Evaluation
I would love to hear what you have to add or your own surrogacy story!
Additional questions? Check out LaMothe Surrogacy Consulting http://www.lamothesurrogacyconsulting.com Save $150.00 with our fall consulting special!
Here we are, Finally! Number 14 is a mistake that all surrogates/carriers tend to make at one time or the other. (This should include Intended Parents.) The Surrogacy process is full of hoops to jump through and often takes well over a year to complete and that is if all goes well with the first IVF attempt. Read below for some of the most common misconceptions. Your thoughts and comments are always welcomed!
Mistake #14-Thinking that the surrogacy process will be fast and easy
This is one of the most common phrases that I hear day in and day out from women who would like to be surrogates or carriers.
"I get pregnant just by my husband looking at me"
"I just think about wanting a baby and the next thing I know, I'm pregnant"
"I have never had any morning sickness and am so happy being pregnant"
Needless to say there is SO much more involved to surrogacy that I can't fit it all into this one post. Here are just a few:
*You must find a match with like minded Intended Parents
*You have to pass all of the Intended Parents clinics' medical and mental health evaluation requirements such as age, BMI, physical health, and be mentally and emotionally prepared (to name a few)
*You must have a legal contract in place
*IUI's must take place at a certain time in your cycle (Traditional Surrogacy)
*It may take several months of IUI before pregnancy (if you get pregnant at all)
*For IVF you must cycle with your Intended Mother or the Egg Donor
*You will have to take medications (shots, pills, suppositories)
*You will have to have an embryo transfer
*You may not get pregnant the first time
*You may have to go through 2 or 3 embryo transfers
*You may never get pregnant with this method, this RE or this clinic or these Intended Parents
*If you do get pregnant you will be with your clinic 10-12 weeks
*You have the rest of your pregnancy to go through before you give birth to a baby or babies that will hopefully be close to term.
You see...its not an easy thing which is why YOU are needed...why YOU are special because WHO ELSE but YOU would go through all of THIS for someone else?
Additional questions? Check out LaMothe Surrogacy Consulting http://www.lamothesurrogacyconsulting.com Save $150.00 with our fall consulting special!
Mistake 13-Not visiting a psychologist if relationship problems arise
Why you NEED to include a psychologist or mental health professional in your surrogacy journey: Hopefully you and your Intended Parents have already had a visit with a Mental Health Professional. It is so important to establish a relationship with someone who can support you emotionally when you are going into a surrogacy arrangement especially when you are "going independent"...with out the help of an agency.
In every relationship misunderstandings happen and problems arise. Some are small and annoying while others can be shocking and perhaps alarming. When this happens you need to have someone to talk to. A third party that can see the entire issue, not be emotionally involved themselves and give good solid advice. When there is a failure to communicate then problems can swiftly spiral out of control and the next thing you know you might be thinking these people aren't worthy of having a baby! That kind of thinking is a warning sign that you need to have someone step in and help assess the situation no matter what it may be.
Additional questions? Check out LaMothe Surrogacy Consulting http://www.lamothesurrogacyconsulting.com Save $150.00 with our fall consulting special!
Mistake #12- Thinking that it's OK to use federal or state funded medical insurance for a surrogate pregnancy
Why you should NOT use federal or state funded medical insurance: I think this is pretty obvious. It is simply illegal to use a federally or state funded insurance to pay for the prenatal care and/or birth in a surrogacy situation. If you do not have maternity coverage in place then you can have your Intended Parents pay for a policy. This may mean that you have to accept less compensation but that is only fair as a policy can cost over $4,000.00+
I would like to add that if you have a policy that has a surrogacy exclusion and try to use it any way and your insurance company finds out you could be dropped from your policy. You would be ineligible for insurance benefits and maybe hard to get covered anywhere. Consider your own future when offering to be a surrogate. Don't get in trouble trying to do a 'good deed'. It's not worth it in the long run!
Additional questions? Check out LaMothe Surrogacy Consulting http://www.lamothesurrogacyconsulting.com Save $150.00 with our fall consulting special!
Three more 'mistakes' to go and I am sure I could have mentioned Twenty! Read on and see if you agree with my assessment of number eleven!
Mistake #11-Staying with Intended Parents for more than a week in their own home
I know of several people who have stayed with their IPs in their home for a few days or even a week with no ill effects. I have heard of others who were 'stuck' there for three weeks or more and it did nothing good for the relationship.
A few days stay is nice especially if you need to rest after a transfer or you are down to their place for a short visit or maybe an ultrasound, however, once you stay longer you may notice little things that can be irritating like being waited on hand and foot....or not! People (IP's) scrutinizing what you eat or drink, sleeping habits, how long you are on the computer, the fact that you don't exercise or over exercise, that you binge watch shows late into the night and like to wake later in the day. Whatever the case you are living under a magnifying glass whether you want to admit it or not. Their family and friends pop by to meet you...and lets face it, as nice that is you have to be 'on' all the time.
You, as a surrogate, will also notice things...how your IP's interact with each other, how they baby their dog, the fact that their home is decorated in white and chrome and the baby proofing has NOT been done. (Are these people ready to be parents?)
This constant critical assessment can cause nothing but stress. You need your own place. If you must travel for the birth for instance, see if you can stay in a micro-hotel nearby that might offer a kitchenette and a sofa. (Perhaps your own family can visit you if you have your own space.) Make sure that you can arrange some down time where you get plenty of rest. You can enjoy your time together but you will appreciate your time apart!
Additional questions? Check out LaMothe Surrogacy Consulting http://www.lamothesurrogacyconsulting.com Save $150.00 with our fall consulting special!
Mistake number 10-Cutting out benefits such as lost wages, maternity clothing allowance, c-section reimbursements and child care, etc. (because you don't think you will ever need them)
Why you should insist on these reimbursements and 'benefits': There is a lesson to be learned here. I learned it the hard way and so have others. Why make the same mistake yourself? During my first surrogacy I made the mistake of leaving out coverage in case of a C-section. I had never had one before and didn't plan on needing one for a surrogacy. I ended up pregnant with twins and having an emergency C-section and although my IP's took very good care of me I was not financially compensated for the extra time it took for me to recover.
Perhaps you just had a baby of your own within the last couple of years and still have your maternity clothing. You may think you don't need anything else and therefore waive the allowance in order to save your IP's money. Admirable of you, however, I can guarantee that you didn't save your bras and underwear...or that you can't guess if you will be pregnant during the same seasons you were with your own baby. Perhaps you work outside the home now and need work clothes or you may be pregnant during the holidays. Keep all of these things in mind when you are thinking about what most pregnant women need during the pregnancy and why. Don't leave out the possibility that you could be pregnant with twins and may not fit after 5 months into your 'old' maternity clothes!
As for child care and other reimbursements...put them in your contract. Even if you don't need them they will be available in the off chance that something happens where you might be on bed rest for 10 weeks and need some housekeeping or lost wages. Never assume that a surrogacy is going to be easy and trouble free....plan for every possibility!
Additional questions? Check out LaMothe Surrogacy Consulting http://www.lamothesurrogacyconsulting.com Save $150.00 with our fall consulting special!
Simply put, making mistake number nine will not make or break a surrogacy arrangement but it does show care and respect for the greatest gift involved, the surrogate and her family, for even considering taking the risk of child birth for someone else.
Mistake Number Nine: Going without term Life Insurance of at least $300,000
Very simply...You are worth more then $300,000. You are priceless....however, many people simply skip the step that costs approximately $350.00 for a term Life Insurance Policy per year and the piece of mind that comes with it. Your husband or children are named as beneficiaries should something catastrophic happen to you during the surrogacy arrangement. Protect your family and insist on a policy that will help fill the financial hole that will be left behind should anything happen to you. You are irreplaceable as a wife and a mother but a life insurance policy can go a long way to making life a tiny bit easier for your loved ones should anything happen to you.
Additional questions? Check out LaMothe Surrogacy Consulting http://www.lamothesurrogacyconsulting.com Save $150.00 with our fall consulting special!
Here we are at mistake number eight which only applies to Traditional Surrogates. I want to point out that IUI (Intrauterine Inseminations) are not that costly and doing these at 'home' really isn't worth the risk!
Mistake #8 Agreeing to do at home inseminations (IUI)
Why you should insist doing Intrauterine Inseminations at a medical facility: One of the first concerns I have when I hear that a Traditional Surrogate is planning on doing IUI without a Dr's guidance is the possibility of STD's or HIV. Some of the other questions pop into my head regarding a situation like this are: Is there a contract in place? Are medications being taken? Was a psychological screening done? In other words, what 'short cuts' have been taken? Having a medical doctor involved can also make this part of a surrogacy so much more successful. A surrogate can be monitored and, under the clinic's care, the right time in a cycle would be chosen to proceed with the IUI. Medications may be prescribed to allow for more follicles to mature.
There is also the emotional and mental aspect of being a Traditional Surrogate and being treated by a Dr. rather then the Intended Parents themselves. It helps with the separation to go through the clinical steps.
Don't try and save your IP's a few dollars while putting yourself at risk. Make sure that you have every i dotted and your t's crossed before you agree to ANY medical procedure.
Additional questions? Check out LaMothe Surrogacy Consulting http://www.lamothesurrogacyconsulting.com/! Save $150.00 with our fall consulting special!
We are at the halfway point of 14 Mistakes to Avoid For Women Considering Becoming Surrogate Mothers or Gestational Carriers! Thank you for all of your comments. I love receiving your personal messages as well as those on Facebook and elsewhere...I will try to touch on all of the concerns as we go though these 'mistakes'! Here is #7!
Mistake #7-Not insisting that the IP's have at least one visit with a psychologist who is recommended by the clinic
Why you should insist: As most of us are aware, surrogates, carriers and egg donors are psychologically screened as a standard of practice here in the United States. But less often do you hear of Intended Parents being required to seek out a mental health professional before they proceed with their third party family building plans. This is a disservice to the Intended Parents as well as their surrogate, you.
In my utopia world, all parties, the surrogate/carrier, her partner and the Intended Parents would all have at least one session together lead by a mental health professional well versed in reproductive technology, surrogacy and the loss of fertility. Everyone would be open and honest about their feelings and intentions and even the hardest issues would be explored. All within the 55 minute time frame.
As that is unlikely to happen, at least not in most cases, I believe that Intended Parents should seek out a psychologist or mental health professional (one that perhaps their clinic could recommend) and make an appointment. This is one more step that will be sure to bring you, as the surrogate, and your IP's closer. One more building block to a happy relationship as you explore this journey called Surrogacy. Intended Parents can really open up and talk about their fears, concerns and issues knowing that this councilor is trained to guide them through their questions and offer answers and support. Just as a surrogate must, Intended Parents need to be really sure that this is the route they want to take in building their family. They can also be reassured that they are on the same page as their partner and if there are issues that need more time, then the signing of contracts can wait until they are totally sure. Much better finding out at this point then after a successful transfer, don't you think?
Additional questions? Check out LaMothe Surrogacy Consulting http://www.lamothesurrogacyconsulting.com/! Save $150.00 with our fall consulting special!
Mistake #6-Not insisting that all compensation per the contract be deposited into an escrow account before the first transfer
Why you should insist: There is a lot of money involved in a surrogacy arrangement and only a portion is earmarked for the surrogate. I know when I told my mother the first time in 1998 that I was going to be a Gestational Carrier she asked if I were getting $100,000! That was the only amount SHE would consider doing 'such a far out' thing for!
Needless to say, Surrogates and Carriers do not get that kind of money for this priceless service! A first time surrogate can be compensated from between $22k to $28k more or less depending on Insurance and Multiples. Still that money isn't given up front. The usual arrangement is monthly installments while pregnant to support the pregnant surrogate. There is maternity clothing to be purchased, and child care to pay for and perhaps lost wages and housekeeping to be reimbursed. Where is all of this money coming from?
The Intended Parents of course! Some may insist on paying it out of their own pocket on a monthly basis but how reliable is that? What if there is an accident and they can't write a check? What if the IP's are on vacation? What if the funds are 'lost in the mail' or late for some reason? What does that lack of timely payment do to a surrogacy relationship? Well, I can tell you, it's not pretty!
On the other side of this coin, surrogates need to be reimbursed for several things during her pregnancy. She may have over the counter medication receipts, co-pays for office visits, or is due some gas reimbursements and every time she asks her IPs for something 'extra' they feel nickeled and dimed to death even though these items are reimbursable as stated in the contract.
Avoid all of these hard feeling and the need to mix money and babies by depositing the surrogate compensation with a reliable escrow agent! Someone else will manage the payments. If something happens to the IP's the surrogate will still be compensated. She needn't go to her IP's for every little receipt she has and when they do talk it can be about the growing baby! So much better for everyone involved!
Additional questions? Check out LaMothe Surrogacy Consulting http://www.lamothesurrogacyconsulting.com/! Save $150.00 with our fall consulting special!
This happens more then we would like to think...we make compromises even after we research the issues. Really think about what you are agreeing to! It can make all the difference in your relationship!
Mistake #5: Being 'talked into' agreeing to issues that are fundamentally against your personal ethics/religion or life style i.e. abortion, selective reduction, working with IP's that you don't feel comfortable with, etc.
What you have to be careful about: When the excitement of meeting new Intended Parents,"clicking" with them and heading toward the possibility of signing your contract overrides your personal ethics, a step back needs to be taken! I have talked with many a surrogate who didn't believe in aborting a Downs Syndrome child, for instance. Yet the Intended Parents want the Downs testing done. Does that mean that they will ask her to abort if the tests come back positive? Who knows. But if she would never abort no matter what then she needs to make sure her IP's know that. Although the baby belongs to the Intended Parents it is the Surrogates body...and no one can make her abort anything at anytime. As a matter of fact, no one can make her carry the baby either. Row vs Wade is alive and well in the Surrogacy World.
The lesson here is that Intended Parents and Surrogates need to be on the same page with all of these ethical, legal and religious issues. Communication is key! Don't try to please your 'perfect but for' Intended Parents....Don't rush into a situation just because you have been waiting so long to be matched or this is the first couple that has come to you...take time to think of what you want and then go from there. The same goes for Intended Parents. You may be on a time crunch or have searched high and low for a woman you can relate to but don't avoid the hard conversations before you start the contracts. Make sure that everyone is on the same page.
Additional questions? Check out LaMothe Surrogacy Consulting http://www.lamothesurrogacyconsulting.com/! Save $150.00 with our fall consulting special!
We are on number 3 and 4 with our 14 Mistakes to Avoid For Women Considering Becoming Surrogate Mothers or Gestational Carriers. These two go together very well and end up to be one of the more common mistakes. All in the name of 'saving money'!
Why you should have a new contract drawn up and insist that you have your own attorney: If you have your old contract then that tells me you have been a surrogate in the past or at least were in a surrogacy arrangement. It's great that you like and feel comfortable with what you have agreed upon in your old contract however circumstances have changed! You have new Intended Parents. They may reside in another state, they certainly have different contact information and they have different needs. People use old contracts to save money but most times it just doesn't work out that way! More money is spent when one finds out that not all of the IP's wishes are covered or something you might need could have been overlooked in the rush to have something to sign and get ready for that all important (and expensive) transfer. This goes hand in hand with GET AN ATTORNEY! One for each party involved. Someone who KNOWS reproductive law. (Not your brother-in-law who is a divorce attorney or their cousin who is a death row lawyer!)
If you liked your old contract so much, supply a copy to your new attorney and he or she can add in your wishes/requirements and all that will then be explained to your new Intended Parents by their OWN lawyer! This is a must to ensure that everyone is on the same page. A surrogate must have their own representation to avoid conflict of interest. Trust me, the cost to your IP's for you to have your own attorney is much less then if YOU have to hire your own attorney because of a dispute in the contract after you are pregnant!
Additional questions? Check out LaMothe Surrogacy Consulting http://www.lamothesurrogacyconsulting.com/! Save $150.00 with our fall consulting special!
Mistake #2-Not having a face to face meeting before any contracts are signed (or at the very least, before the first embryo transfer)
Why you need to have a face to face meeting: Yes people do live far a part (even overseas) at times and traveling can be tough but that is no excuse to ignore the need to meet your Intended Parents face to face before you sign a contract and agree to carry a baby for them. These are the people that you are going to have a long term relationship with. Would you ever consider becoming a mail order bride? I think not! Then don't put yourself in the position of not meeting your Intended Parents until you are at your transfer or, heaven forbid, pregnant.
We all know that a phone call, e-mail, and, yes, even Skype or Face Time can help a long distance relationship thrive but consider all you notice when you actually see someone in person! How they present themselves, what their handshake feels like, what their mannerisms are like, how you react to them and how they react to you. Chemistry can make or break a relationship and as we are all well aware!
Remember you are never a little bit pregnant and regrets after the fact do not make for an enjoyable surrogacy journey!
Additional questions? Check out LaMothe Surrogacy Consulting http://www.lamothesurrogacyconsulting.com/ Save $150.00 with our fall consulting special!
Mistake Number 1-Giving out personal information, especially before a contract is signed, such as social security numbers and release of medical information to anyone but the agency, attorney, psychologist or clinic.
Why you shouldn't do this: As we are all aware, there are scams being run on both sides of the fence these days. Who's to say that someone pretending to be an Intended Parent is just looking for an easy mark for identity theft! You need to protect yourself and your family. You may be eager to get yourself matched and on the way to a contract but please don't give out your personal information to just anyone. Your Intended Parents don't need to know your Social Security Number. The clinic is the one that needs to see your medical records. If you worked with a psychologist in the past then have those records sent from your old Dr. to your new one. The message here is to be aware of who you are trusting and how much you know about them. Don't risk your identity for anyone!
Additional questions? Check out LaMothe Surrogacy Consulting http://www.lamothesurrogacyconsulting.com/! Save $150.00 with our fall consulting special!
If you are a woman who wants to be a gestational carrier or traditional surrogate independently, without the help of an agency, then you need to really consider what you are getting yourself into. Surrogacy is a life changing endeavor and as great as it sounds in theory, in practice it's a huge undertaking. Financially, the surrogacy process sets back most Intended Parents anywhere from $90,000-$125,000+ and that amount does not come with a guarantee of a take home baby. Looking into 'independent' surrogacy situations is most common among those who are finding it difficult to raise the full amount of funds needed and therefore will consider cutting corners. Women who are compelled to help couples and individuals sometimes find themselves compromising themselves out of the goodness of their hearts. Below are 14 common mistakes to avoid. Its so important to be true to own ideals...that is one of the best gifts you can give to your Intended Parent(s) and to yourself!
14 Mistakes to Avoid For Women Considering Becoming Surrogate Mothers or Gestational Carriers
1-Giving out personal information, especially before a contract is signed, such as social security numbers and release of medical information to anyone but the agency, attorney, psychologist or clinic.
2-Not having a face to face meeting before any contracts are signed
3-Using an 'old' or past contract
4-Not having your own legal representation when reviewing your surrogacy contract
5-Being 'talked into' agreeing to issues that are fundamentally against your personal ethics/religion or life style i.e. abortion, selective reduction, working with IP's that you don't feel comfortable with, etc.
6-Not insisting that all compensation per the contract be deposited into an escrow account before the first embryo transfer
7-Not insisting that the IP's have at least one visit with a psychologist who is recommended by the clinic
8-Agreeing to at home insemination's (IUI)
9-Going without term Life Insurance of at least $250,000 (or any insurance policy for that matter).
10-Cutting out benefits such as lost wages, maternity clothing allowance, c-section reimbursements and child care, etc. because you don't think you will ever need them
11-Staying with Intended Parents for more than a week in their own home
12- Thinking that it's OK to use federal or state funded medical insurance for a surrogate pregnancy
13-Not visiting a psychologist if relationship problems arise
14-Thinking that the surrogacy process will be fast and easy
Additional questions? Check out LaMothe Surrogacy Consulting http://www.lamothesurrogacyconsulting.com/! Save $150.00 with our fall consulting special!
Building or adding on to your family via surrogacy is no easy matter. While some will try to go at it alone, others often decide to hire a surrogacy agency to assist them in finding a woman to carry their baby and take care of all the overwhelming details.This short post will help you think about what to look for in a surrogacy agency. Still, you may have a lot of questions. LaMothe Surrogacy Consulting can help you choose the right agency for your unique situation and educate you on the entire process. **Remember that your first 40 minute call is free!
The best way to start your search for an agency is ask your clinic who they recommend. Usually the clinic works with several agencies but they may have a favorite. You can also find a list of agencies online and, of course, you could ask for referrals from people in your support group if you belong to one. Once you have the names of several agencies and perhaps have read through their websites, then you need to interview them yourself. Email or call to set up an appointment and expect to spend a couple of hours on each interview. Remember that the agency will need to know about your own needs and desires in order to answer your questions to the best of their ability.
Some questions you might ask are:
*How long have they been in business
*How much experience do they have and in what capacity
-- Past personal experience? Gestational Carrier, Traditional Surrogate, Past Intended Parent? Worked in a medical office or reproductive attorney office?
*Do they attend conferences or have any type of continuing education in the Infertility Field?
*How many IP's (Matches) are currently in the program?
*Any law suits or complains against them? BBB issues? Other?
*Do they carry E&O insurance? (Errors and Omissions)
What is E&O insurance? Errors and Omssions (E&O) is the insurance that covers your company, or you individually, in the event that a client holds you responsible for a service you provided, or failed to provide, that did not have the expected or promised results. For doctors, dentists, chiropractors, etc., it is often called malpractice insurance. For lawyers, accountants, architects or engineers, it may be called professional liability. Whatever you call it, it covers you for errors (or omissions) that you have made or that the client perceives you have made.
Most E&O policies cover judgments, settlements and defense costs. Even if the allegations are found to be groundless, thousands of dollars may be needed to defend the lawsuit. They can bankrupt a smaller company or individual and have a lasting effect on the bottom line of larger companies.
In short, E&O coverage provides protection for you in the event that an error or omission on your part has caused a financial loss for your client.
*How much does the surrogacy agency charge? and for what services?
Agency Services might include:
*Providing Surrogates and/or Egg Donors and their profiles (Pre-screened or not) *Background Checks *Arranging Life, Disability and Health Insurance Policies for the surrogate *Arranging verbal agreements between parties on important issues like selective reduction, termination and basic fees etc. *Recommending/Providing at least 2 reproductive attorneys for providing a contract and surrogate review *Recommending Psychologist for evaluation *Assisting with the location of a "surrogate friendly" OB (If needed) *Coordinating Escrow/Trust accounts for the distribution of funds throughout the contract time frame (This should be separate or the agency should be bonded) *Providing mediation or counseling if needed between IPs and GC *General Case Management and Support (Providing an emergency telephone contact number, plenty of staff to support amount of people currently in the program) *Attending Transfers, Appointments and Births if asked *Support of all parties after the birth (at least 6-8 weeks)
Don't ask how many pregnancies or births an agency has had because that is solely dependent on the clinic/RE working with those past surrogates and is no reflection on the agency itself. How many matches they are currently working with and how many staff is appropriate if you don't want to feel like a number or feel that the agency is overwhelmed. You can also ask for a copy of their retainer agreement and have your own attorney review it if you don't understand some of the jargon.
Of course there is always more to know and it's good to research and educate yourself before you more forward with your search for an agency.
Facebook and other social media outlets are truly a marvelous invention…until it gets in the way of your relationship with your surrogate or intended parents. We are often reminded to watch what you post because you don’t know who may be reading your blog, timeline,tweets or looking at photos. Employers are often vetting applicants by Googling them and reading the latest activity or looking at the newest photos. Even if your privacy setting is on the most restrictive there are ways to get around all of that!
When you are sharing so much information out in the cyber world you have to take into consideration what others (IPs, case managers, surrogates) may think of your cartoons, announcements and status updates. If you have an unusual ritual that may flip out even your closest family member just think of what an IP may think especially if you are already pregnant with their child. Perhaps you are an intended parent struggling to quit your smoking habit and are posting that online. If your surrogate doesn’t know of this issue at the start of your relationship she may ask herself what else has been hidden from her. If a surrogate, who has agreed to cut back on her caffeine, posts that she has already had 3 cups of coffee and it’s not even 9 am she may have a concerned phone call from her IP’s.
This is not about hiding facts or holding back important information but more about watch what you post or tweet because the reactions on both sides could be filled with misunderstandings. Don't forget all those support groups out there where you feel fine about venting and then realize that your words have been read by people you have a surrogacy relationship with.
Has something like this ever happened to you? Would you like to share that experience with our readers?
You have wanted to become a surrogate for a long time now. You did your research, signed up with a surrogacy agency and now, finally! You are matched! Your Intended Parents are AWESOME and everything you had secretly hoped for. Maybe too secret because very few people outside of your immediate circle of family and friends know of your dreams to become a Gestational Carrier. What should you say? Should you wait until you are pregnant and showing or should you tell them before the embryo transfer? This dilemma can take the wind right out of your sails.
First and foremost this is YOUR life and YOUR body. If you have the support of those closest to you that is your number one priority! If your husband and kids and even your parents know what you have been planning then, really, who cares what anyone else thinks? Well….that is an easy attitude to have however it's not that easy to duck for cover in the middle of the grocery store when you are 7 months pregnant with twins and trying to avoid seeing an old friend or distant cousin.
If you truly believe in what you are doing then hold your head up high and be proud of who you are and the gift you have bestowed on some very lucky Intended Parents! Once you have been matched and have the date for your embryo transfer you should consider telling a selected few outside your primary circle of friends and family about your surrogacy journey. Share with them the facts of your situation and see how they respond. If they are supportive and excited for you that’s great! If they are unsure then perhaps they just need more information or education about surrogacy. If they are negative….well, then you might want to avoid that stress while you are on hormones because who knows what you will say! Seriously, you will want to surround yourself with positive and supportive people. If you are having issues with how others are taking the news of your surrogacy then talk with your agency and perhaps they can help you with ideas and recommendations. You may even want to talk with a mental health professional. Anything that supports you and allows you to thrive while you are making dreams for your IPs and for YOU come true.
Have you had a negative experience talking to one of your friends about surrogacy? What did you finally end up doing? How is that relationship now? Just send us your story or comment on our blog! Others want to hear from YOU!
With egg and sperm donation, parents have the extra concern of what to tell their child regarding where they came from. This is not a simple birds and bees conversation yet it can be as simple as that. Parents often have unfounded fears that their child will reject them if they know the 'truth'.
Although there are papers, articles and books on this topic, in this post I would like to keep it as simple as possible. First and foremost accept yourself as your child’s parent! You are rising, nurturing, loving a human being whom you helped create. No little thought went into this very life changing decision. Acknowledge that you are the reason that your child even exists!
Secondly, remember that parents read books to their children starting at a very young age. When you chose your books like “I Love You This Much” or “Goodnight Moon” add in a couple of children’s books on egg donation such as “One More Giraffe” by Kim Noble or “Mom and Dad and the Journey They Had” by Molly Summer. Books like these will prepare your young child for future questions and answers regarding his or her origins. Talking about how different families are made and how what really matters, at the end of the day, is that children are loved and wanted. Reading books can set the ground work for honest communication as your child grows.
Third, I suggest that if you have fears that you can not seem to put to rest, contact a mental health professional in the field of third party reproduction. You will find several who help you find the words you need to explain to your child or children how they were created AND how much you love them.
If you have ever had a conversation with your child about surrogacy, egg or sperm donation and would like to share it with our readers please contact us with your story! Many Intended Parents would benefit from hearing your thoughts and suggestions!
Every Intended Parent wants the very best for their child as it grows from an embryo to a baby. They want the best uterus, (which might be why they needed a surrogate), the best eggs, the best sperm and the best doctors. However Intended Parents have little control over the diet of their growing baby. The best nutrition is very important to all parents but when one has no say in what their own baby is ‘eating’ it can be quite frustrating.
When interviewing surrogate mothers some Intended Parents ask about their diets right off the bat and then ask if their chosen surrogate can change what she eats in some way. Some Jewish IPs want someone who will adhere to their strict dietary kosher guidelines while others want someone who will eat all organic and natural meats. Perhaps a vitamin regiment is also required above and beyond the prenatal supplements. OB’s often have a list of their own restrictions for all pregnant mothers to follow. This list limits the intake of caffeine, certain fish that contain mercury and luncheon meats that may cause listeria. Every contract states that a surrogate will follow medical guidelines given to her by her doctor so she is already following a certain dietary requirement. But when do diet requests go to far?
Surrogates want to please their Intended Parents, however one can only ask so much. When a surrogate is in the early months of the pregnancy she may not be able to eat as well as she would normally. Some of the foods she would like to eat may be the very foods that make her run to the bathroom. Just keeping down her vitamins maybe a monumental task! A surrogate who has agreed to eat all organic foods will have a higher grocery bill then if she were to keep with her regular shopping list. If an Intended Parent wants their surrogate to be on a special diet then they should offer to pay for those foods by supplementing her grocery bill. IPs will also have to keep in mind that the surrogate shops for her own family and she is not the only one who will be eating that free range chicken! She can’t feed her husband mac and cheese and eat her all natural organic meal in the livingroom so the entire family food budget needs to be taken into consideration.
If a surrogate agrees to stick to a certain diet she is then on the honor system as it can’t be demanded in the contract that she eat all of her vegetables. She needs to understand that this is just one more thing that she can do for her IPs and the baby she is carrying. They will be forever grateful to her for her dedication to having the healthiest baby possible.
Have you ever been asked to change your diet? How did that work for you and your IPs? What types of things were you asked to eat or to avoid? I would love to hear from you!
An astounding 1 in 8 American couples will experience problems having children during their lifetimes, making infertility one of America’s greatest unsung medical epidemics. Unfortunately, the vast array of drugs and procedures available to help couples with fertility issues, including inseminations and homeopathic remedies, do not always work.
There is, however, a treatment that does work: in vitro fertilization (IVF). During my close to 15 years as a fertility consultant and through my own personal experience with IVF, I have discovered IVF to be a veritable miracle technique, enabling thousands of people, myself included, to overcome the heart wrenching diagnosis of infertility.
Imagine for a moment eagerly trying to start your family only to learn that you are a 1 in 8 and the only way for you to have a biological child of your own is through IVF. I was faced with this exact reality. Fortunately, we live in a time where options like IVF are available. But here's the scary reality: one of our presidential candidates is lobbying to end the existence of IVF. As someone who, not only helps clients have children through IVF, but is also a parent because of IVF, I take this very personally.
Ted Cruz released a chilling video last week which zealously showed his support for fetal "personhood" where zygotes would be considered legal "persons" and would therefore be granted full protection by the U.S. Constitution. “I enthusiastically support that resolution and, as president of the United States" he asserts, "I pledge to you that I will do everything within my power to end the scourge of abortion once and for all, that I will use the full constitutional power and the bully pulpit of the presidency to promote a culture of life, that I will sign any legislation put on my desk to defend the least of these, including legislation that defends the rights of all persons, without exception other than the life of the mother from conception to natural death."
Cruz, like others in his party, grounds his opinion in a conservative, theological belief that human life begins at conception. But the implications of these beliefs for those needing to undergo the IVF process to have a family are alarming. In an IVF cycle, numerous eggs are retrieved with the hope that a good number of healthy embryos will be created. Generally, any embryos that are not transferred are frozen. By granting full constitutional rights to embryos, fertility doctors would not be permitted to retrieve more than one or two eggs per IVF cycle. This would not only decrease success rates significantly, but would also make an already expensive process more cost prohibitive to patients because they would be required to undergo multiple retrieval procedures. Patients would also be subjected to increased medical risks for each egg retrieval they would be required to undergo.
Thankfully, the picture is much brighter on the democratic side. Hillary Clinton embraces the widespread belief shared by most fertility professionals, that human life begins at fetal viability or birth. In 2015, while responding to the nationwide firestorm surrounding abortion rights and employer-financed contraception, Clinton remarked that, “deep-seated cultural codes, religious beliefs and structural biases have to be changed” so as to grant women proper access to “reproductive health care.”
Unlike other national politicians, Clinton seems to view access to family planning methods within the larger context of women’s rights. In an extensive interview she gave last year to The Des Moines Register, Clinton noted that, “The Republicans have made it clear in recent years that they are not only opposed to abortion, which they have been for quite some time, they are increasingly opposed to family planning and contraception. This is a direct assault on a woman’s right to choose health care.”
For Clinton, access to family planning methods is a matter of personal freedom. As not only a fertility consultant, but also a grateful parent thanks to IVF, I couldn't agree more. IVF allows people to experience the joy of parenthood. All Americans, especially any American with hopes of starting a family one day, should bring their fertility concerns to the voting booth, demanding that politicians not only get behind but also protect this miracle technology.
Stephanie Levich is the Founder of Family Match Consulting, LLC,which assists clients in finding their perfect egg donor and surrogate candidates. Stephanie has been named one of America’s Top Entrepreneurs Under the age of 30 by Inc. Magazine and has been featured in various publications including Valley Life, and ForbesWoman. She is very grateful for the miracle of IVF which helped bring her to her very proudest accomplishments: her two beautiful children.
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