Medical Director and Founder of New England Fertility
For a third-party reproduction specialist like myself, the sharp rise in surrogacy inquiries in the past year is gratifying. The demand for gestational carriers is so high it can hardly keep up with supply. Most of the intended parents who come to our clinic, however, want a vaccinated carrier — and therein lies the problem: A fair percentage of surrogates don’t want the COVID-19 vaccine.
With the Delta variant of COVID-19 spreading rapidly and showing no signs of slowing down, the human cost of remaining unvaccinated is greater than ever. We’ve seen that the variant is far more easily spread than previous strains, and for those who are unvaccinated and infected with the variant, hospitalization (or worse) is far more likely.
Fortunately, the CDC has now released data to support the safety of COVID-19 vaccines in pregnant people and is recommending that everyone over the age of 12 get vaccinated against COVID-19. In spite of such compelling evidence, it’s clear from speaking daily with surrogates (and hearing the stories from surrogacy agencies) that vaccine hesitation is fueled by misinformation. Whether you’re an intended parent or a surrogate yourself, you should have a few facts:
Pregnant women are more likely than non-pregnant women to become severely ill from COVID-19. They are more likely to be admitted to an ICU, be put on a ventilator, or, most tragically, not survive. They are also more likely to suffer complications such as preterm labor.
Pregnant women in any trimester can safely receive the vaccine. Data so far shows no adverse effects on carriers or the babies they’re carrying. The vaccine is even safe for lactating women and beneficial because their breast milk will carry the antibodies.
The vaccine helps protect the fetus by providing it with antibodies. While the virus rarely crosses the placenta to infect the fetus, and there’s been no evidence that it causes birth defects, the antibodies may continue to protect the baby after the birth.
There’s no evidence showing that the vaccine affects fertility in men or women, so if you personally are looking to become pregnant, don’t hesitate to get the vaccine.
While the COVID-19 vaccines are new, mRNA technology is not. Research to develop mRNA vaccines has been in progress for more than 20 years.
mRNA vaccines (Pfizer and Moderna) do not alter your DNA. mRNA stimulates your body’s own immune response to produce antibodies but doesn’t enter the nucleus of your cells, so it won’t affect your DNA.
The Johnson & Johnson vaccine is also shown to be safe for pregnant women and those trying to become pregnant. The concept of the J&J vaccine is more traditional: It uses adenovirus (which doesn’t contain a live virus) to instruct your cells to produce antibodies.
The vaccines do not seem to affect pregnancy outcomes. There’s no evidence to support a higher incidence of outcomes such as premature birth, congenital defects, pregnancy loss, or gestational diabetes.
The vaccine offers greater protection than previous COVID-19 infection. Antibody levels are higher in vaccinated people than in those who’ve previously been infected.
It’s only natural that anyone looking to carry a pregnancy or planning to become a parent through surrogacy would want to be careful. But we now have evidence to support the safety of the vaccine. Studies are ongoing but thus far there’s no indication, in human or animal studies, that the vaccine can cause pregnancy complications or birth defects.
Acceptance of the vaccine isn’t just about the availability of gestational carriers; it’s about the health of your community and the world around you.
Wouldn't it be great to have a crystal ball and know what your future holds for you and your new potential Intended Parents? It may seem easy once you make the decision to become a surrogate. You read profiles, letters and pick a likely candidate. You might exchange e-mails or talk on the phone. You hear stories of hopes, dreams, complications and confusion. You share your values and lifestyle. And then perhaps a date...lunch? Dinner? ahhhh the glow, the euphoria of finding the "right" match. And then drip drip drop it starts to rain on the parade...just a drizzle at first. Nothing to stop the momentum, you can still see a slice of blue sky, but you get out the umbrella anyway. Perhaps this happens during contract negations. The IP's who were once so grateful for finding you want you to lower your "fee". (by 25% and Heavens! NO! They do not want to use an escrow agent!!) They want you to promise not to work during the pregnancy but they don't want to pay lost wages either. They want you to use your insurance at the infertility clinic so that they don't have to pay for the medications. (Thankfully most clinics won't do this any longer.) Your new IPs want you to go to Florida or Illinois for the transfer but don't want to pay child care for YOUR KIDS while you are gone. Hummmmmm If this pattern is starting now, during the contract phase, what's to say that it will be any different when you are pregnant? Maybe its time to rethink this match.
I know of many women who just WANT to be surrogates SO BADLY they are willing to overlook a multitude of red flags. They start out on their own in order to save their future IP's money. But when things start to go south You can say no. You can back that train up and get OFF. Before you commit to medical testing (where the IP's start to spend money on the relationship they are building with you), PLEASE make it clear what YOUR expectations are. This is where a great agency would benefit you! Your first conversation with them would be where you stand on your base fees, benefits, selective reduction, abortion and everything that is near and dear to your heart. An agency would find Intended Parents who would be the right fit for you. A great agency would do your homework with you...supporting you every step of the way. If you have questions or concerns your agency should be there to answer for you. But remember, like a finding a good match with Intended Parents you have to find a great match with an agency. Don't forget to do your homework there as well. Surrogacy is a life changing experience, good or bad, and you have a duty to listen to your instincts and follow your intuition.
How many times have you heard as a surrogate that "you are playing God!"? The common phrase here is "Basically, if God wanted Intended Parents to have children they would get pregnant on their own. If that wasn't a possibility then they, the Intended Parents, should adopt." 'Surrogacy' is preventing them from looking at adoption as an option by a woman offering a healthy body to carry their child. Some child out there would be homeless because of surrogacy! A stunning conclusion, I know. And comments like that may make a person pause and think...but often it will not change minds.
So here are some of my views on the GOD issue. Surrogates are not playing God. Egg Donors are not preventing adoptions from taking place. Reproductive Endocrinologists and Embryologists are NOT pretending to be God. We are all using the gifts that said God gave us. We are using our brains and our bodies to make and give life. And if you are really REALLY religious, are we not making another follower of God? A Catholic? Baptist? Jew? Methodist? add your religion here_______! And What about all the other medical marvels happening in the world? Heart transplants? Kidney donations? Bone marrow donations? How about blood transfusions? Are these not prolonging or enhancing life? And doesn't a new human being, a very much wanted baby, make a life complete for those parents who desire to enhance THEIR own existence?
One last thought...would any "God" really allow a human to take the credit for our own creation? I think not!
When Jenn, a 34- year-old cancer survivor, was matched through an agency with Mel, a veteran gestational surrogate, age-32, neither knew exactly what would happen.
“I researched surrogacy for over a year and joined an online support group called Parents Pursuing Surrogacy,” Jenn remembers. “When my husband and I finally signed contract papers, I felt pretty confident we were going in the right direction.” But when the agency director mentioned a gestational carrier, Jenn didn’t know what she was talking about. “Do you mean a surrogate mother?” she asked. According to Sharon LaMothe, a Seattle-based surrogacy consultant, gestational carrier is the more-recent term for a surrogate mother who is biologically unrelated to the baby she carries for a couple. “That sounded clinical,” Jenn remembers. “Not what we were going for, at all.”
On a waiting list for five months, Seattleite Jenn says she felt butterflies when she met Long Beach native, Mel, for the first time at the agency’s-office in Orange County. Told that surrogates were in short-supply, Mel was the only one ready at the time whose ideas about the surrogacy process matched Jenn and her husband’s. “I saw her photo and e-mailed with her a few times, but when I met her in person, I didn’t hear a word she said. I was listening to my instincts on this one, and my heart,” Jenn says.
Mel admits the same. “Jenn and her husband were my third set of Intended Parents. I worked for several years with a couple who never had success—and it was heartbreaking.” Several embryo transfers for the couple failed and the whole experience was very discouraging,” she says. But Mel didn’t give up. Matched a 2nd time with another couple, she was pregnant with and delivered a baby girl for them. “Having a baby girl for my couple was one of the greatest things I ever did. I don’t have words for the joy it brought to everybody.” It was right then that Mel knew she wanted to do another surrogacy—but only with a couple who shared her values. “I clicked with Jenn and her husband, instantly,” Mel says. “It was love at first sight.”
Although it was one of the hardest things she’d ever done, Jenn stood by attentively while her microscopic 3-day embryos were transferred to Mel’s womb, for safe-keeping. “I knew I had to let them go to Mel. And although I am a very analytical, somewhat-controlling-person, I was able to take a step back. Mel knew the process and was a consummate professional. Even more, I could tell her heart was in the right place.” A giant leap of faith by Jenn, she says the feeling is impossible to describe. “I placed our babies in a woman I barely knew. We were asking for a miracle.”
On their second embryo transfer (Jenn’s eggs and her husband’s sperm), the team of Mel & Jenn were pregnant. Their jointly-chosen OB called Mel’s pregnancy “textbook”, but the whole experience for Jenn, was anything but. And as much as Mel was financially compensated for what Jenn calls “ultra-early-babysitting”, it turned out Jenn’s hunch about “gestational carriers” was spot-on: “Mel wasn’t a carrier—she was a MOTHER.”
Baby at 12 weeks
Jenn says that not only did Mel eat right, rest, and get great prenatal care, she involved Jenn and her husband in her pregnancy and family from day-one. “I have an open-door policy so I invited Jenn and her husband in,” Mel says in a matter of fact way. “She cared for our baby like he was a member of her family,” Jenn explains. “And Mel’s husband and kids did too. I was in California for a prenatal visit once and stayed with Mel and her family. While Mel read a Harry Potter series book out loud to her own children, my baby stopped kicking to listen.” “He’s quiet now, Jenn,” Mel whispered. The look in her eye said it all. Gestational Carrier? “No, it was LOVE,” Jenn says.
Finally, one warm February day, Jenn’s dream came true when Mel went into labor. Meaning “gift from God”, they pronounced the baby “Jonathan”. Holding back tears, Jenn cut the cord from her surrogate to her precious gift. “You are the luckiest boy in the world,” she told her new baby. “You’ve got TWO moms.”
Jenn cuts the cord
Of course, many surrogacy stories end, right here. The parents take their baby home. The surrogate feels fulfilled. The end. But although Jenn and Mel didn’t know it at that moment, for them, it was only the beginning.
Jenn remembers that Mel’s husband looked her straight in the eye on the way out of the hospital. “We’re all going to stay together, now, aren’t we?” he asked. “Absolutely,” Jenn remembers answering. According to surrogacy expert, Sharon LaMothe, “Most legal contracts between IPs and surrogates have verbiage preventing the surrogate from contacting the family, after the birth. It must be a mutual feeling, a needed connection between all parties. ” Jenn and Mel’s contract was no different. But before they signed it, they talked about their hopes and dreams for a relationship, once the baby was born.
Mel and Jonathan, age-5
As Baby Jonathan grew, the families kept in touch. Jenn and her family (that included daughter Laura) flew almost every year to California from Seattle, to visit Mel and her family. Mel and her family flew up to Seattle, during school breaks.
Mel and Jonathan, age-8
The gifts and love, from the surrogacy experience, just kept flowing.
Mel, Jonathan, and Jenn
An avid Lacrosse player at age-14, now-teen-Jonathan found a sports camp (through an Internet search) in the Los Angeles area and wanted to go. “No, it’s too far from Seattle,” Jenn remembers telling him. But he wouldn’t drop the idea. “What if Mel and her husband looked after him, while he was there?” Jenn’s husband suggested. It was at that precise moment, that a light bulb went on. Just 15 years before, Jenn stood by, and let go of her child to Mel. And now, as if by some grand design, here they went, AGAIN. After a bit of soul-searching, Jenn says she realized that she felt very comfortable letting her son fly by himself from Seattle to Lost Angeles. His mom would pick him up in baggage claim. It wouldn’t be Jenn, herself. And it wouldn’t be a gestational carrier. It would be Mel. Jenn says it felt like the most natural thing in the world.
Jonathan and Mel, at the airport
“There are surrogacy stories that hit the press—more now than ever before,” says Sharon LaMothe. “But what happens between the surrogate and family, five, ten, or fifteen years down the road? These stories are just beginning to be told. There is no one-way to handle the situation. But the story of Jenn and Mel shows that it can be a good thing for all involved.”
What lies ahead for the team of Jenn and Mel? Neither mom is quite certain, but there’s one thing they know for sure: when you have faith, and let-go, no distance is too far and your own biology ceases to matter. “It’s all about love,” says Mel.” “Absolutely,” Jenn agrees.
Mel and Jenn
*JP Tammen is a freelance writer in the Seattle area
What a wonderful feeling when all the stars and the planets align and your prayers are answered! Your surrogate is pregnant and everything looks like it should! As a matter of fact she will soon be released to her own OB! Now what?
This is a question that hundreds of Intended Parents ask themselves every year. The focus thus far has been on just getting through the red tape! Finding, meeting, matching with your surrogate, medical and psychological tests and contracts, and, finally, the egg retrieval and embryo transfer! There had been so much to discuss, plan and hope for and now all of that is in the past. The future looks bright! But wait! Now what do we talk about during the remaining months of this miraculous pregnancy? How do we maintain a positive connection?
This is a critical time for all Intended Parents and their Surrogates. A time when you can all relax into this journey and plan for the future and also cement your relationship. Usually phone calls become a weekly habit with extra updates after OB appointments and ultrasound scans. If your surrogate lives far enough away from you where you can’t attend most of these appointments you might try e-mailing several times a week as well. As your surrogate progresses with the pregnancy she may be uncomfortable and even moody. Take this all in stride and perhaps offer to send a gift card to her favorite restaurant or encourage her to go out to dinner or take a prenatal exercise class. Knowing that her IPs care about her feelings and well being goes a long way in the relationship department.
Women who are surrogates are always taking care of someone else. Her own children for instance as well as carrying yours. Acknowledging her dedication once in a while with a card or letter really is appreciated. Remembering birthdays and anniversaries with flowers or a plant is a nice gesture as well.
As the pregnancy arrives into the later months, take the time to visit her and tour the hospital where your baby will be born with her. Talk about the preparations you are making and if you need advice you can ask your surrogate! After all she has had experience with newborns!
Most of all a great relationship with anyone is based on mutual respect and honesty. You and your surrogate can maintain a wonderful friendship even after the birth of your baby. Just know that this is a special time for everyone involved and keep the lines of communication open!
I realize that quite a few agencies have a "No Refund" policy and I have to say I had one as well when I co-owned Surrogacy Consultants of Florida. But no policy is set in stone and there are always exceptions.
There are several reasons why Intended Parents may ask for a refund. Sometimes it's not a full refund but at other times it just may be best to ask for a refund the entire amount of the retainer agreement. Below is my short "What If" list:
*What if the surrogate/donor doesn't want to work with the Intended Parents that chose their profile (and the IP’s don't find any others in the database they are interested in)?
*What if the surrogate/donor doesn't pass the medical evaluation (and the IP’s don't find another profile in your database they wish to explore)?
*What if the clinic rejects the donor or surrogate for failure to follow medical protocol or other medically related reasons (and the IP’s can't find any others they want to work with, or don't trust the agency pool of candidates any longer)?
*What if the Intended Parents have a medical or financial issue of their own and need to back out of the agency program (after just a few weeks and are not currently under contract)?
*What if the donor/surrogate is not mentally able to perform her commitment and backs out before contracts are signed (and there are no other candidates available)?
Lastly, an agency may insist on refunding the retainer fees back to the Intended Parents if the agency/staff feels that the IP’s are hard to please and have an impossible list of expectations that can't be met.
There are quite a few scenarios but you get the picture. A refund maybe in order. If the agency can't rematch, or the surrogate/donor has been disqualified, Intended Parents have the right to some sort of refund. (full or partial)
Refunds are usually not planned, however, and Intended Parents should keep in mind that a refund check could take a couple of months to receive. Remember that agencies are trying to do their best to correct problems and issues and make up for human errors that are no fault of their own. Patience is key in these cases as is understanding and clear communication. Intended Parents could also give some time to the agency to advertise for a specific surrogate or donor if a replacement is not found in the current database. Flexibility is always appreciated.
It doesn’t matter how large of a business you own, if there is little or lack of communication either between you and your employees or between staff and clients you will fail unless this problem is corrected. In the field of surrogacy and egg/sperm donation there really is a lot of room for miscommunication.
First is the non-verbal cues that are given when your telephone is not answered during business hours or messages are not returned within a reasonable amount of time. What this says about your business is that you have no interest in who is calling or why or that you are too busy to take or return the call. This leaves potential clients, donors or surrogates wondering about the quality of services provided by you and your staff. (If they ever do hire you. This is where you might lose a great GS or IP.)
A second common problem with miscommunication is when a client has been given different information by different people within your office. This can happen when staff has not been updated regarding new or existing donors or available surrogates, when the client is quoted different pricing for services, or regarding case management and program protocol.
Speaking of available donors or surrogates, remember to keep your data base updated. When you have unavailable profiles listed in your data base it sends the signal that you are misinforming the public and are sharing more donor or surrogate profiles then you really have available. It also raises hopes if someone is really interested in a profile only to find that the candidate is not available. Always remove a profile once she is talking with other IP’s. If it doesn’t work out you can simply return the profile to your data base. Adding available profiles as soon as you can is a great indication that you have full control of your data base and know exactly who is on there plus all the details.
My third point is continued communication throughout the donation/surrogacy process. Often times once the match is made and the surrogate becomes pregnant, agency owners assume all is well and may not contact the IPs, donor, or surrogate for weeks or maybe even months. If you are advertising ‘full service agency’ that should include checking in on all parties and making sure that procedures have gone smoothly, if the relationship is going well amongst all parties and if anything extra is needed, In the case of the donation it is important to make sure the donor has recovered from her procedure and it’s always nice to see if a pregnancy resulted.
My forth and final point is the communication with other professionals in your field. I am taking about the clinic and nursing staff, attorneys involved, escrow agency and the mental health professional. It is so important that every one know exactly what is going on with your clients. Even if you are not the one directly communicating with these other professionals it is a good idea to remind your clients to make contact at certain points of a match. For instance the attorney should know when the birth is expected to take place and whether it is a singleton or multiples so the proper paperwork will be ready, it’s also a good idea to remind a surrogate to make arrangements for a hospital tour with her IPs, you should tell the clinic if a miscarriage takes place or a twin is lost and the mental health professional might like to know how the match is going and if there is a need for follow up.
Failure to communicate with all parties involved such as your agency staff, clients, and other professionals can give you and your agency a poor reputation. These are all issues can be worked on and eventually fixed. Your future as an egg donation or surrogacy agency owner depends on great communication!
Christina Park is a reproductive attorney and founder of the Law Offices of Christina Park in Seattle. She graduated from Yale Law School. Christina assists intended parents, egg donors, embryo donors, and surrogates and is proud to help build families.
We are considering surrogacy. What legal issues in WA state should we be aware of?
It is highly recommended that the intended parent(s) and the surrogate enter into a written surrogacy agreement. This is true even if the surrogate is a friend or relative.
Surrogacy agreements describe the terms of the arrangement in detail, outline each person’s rights and responsibilities, and document your wishes for who will be the child’s legal parents (with parental rights and duties under the law).
Surrogacy laws are relatively new and untested. It is difficult to predict the outcome of court cases in this area of law. If disagreements do arise, Washington courts will likely examine the written agreement to understand your intentions and resolve disputes.
It is important to document the terms of the surrogacy arrangement in your contract. This can provide you with additional confidence and security (both during and after the pregnancy). A qualified reproductive attorney can help you prepare the contract.
What issues will the legal agreement cover?
By addressing key issues and potentially sensitive topics, the legal agreement can help set clear expectations from the start and prevent disputes in the future. Surrogacy agreements address several issues, including the following:
Parents: Who will be the child’s legal parents, with parental rights and responsibilities?
Payment:What will the surrogate be paid? (In Washington, surrogates can only be reimbursed for pregnancy expenses, actual medical expenses, and attorney fees).
Involvement:How will the intended parents be involved (for example, with important decisions related to prenatal care and testing)?
Unexpected Events: What happens if one or both of the intended parents die before the birth? Who will have custody of the child?
Future Contact:Will there be future contact between the surrogate and intended parents? If so, under what circumstances?
Can we pay a woman to be our surrogate?
In Washington, you cannot compensate a surrogate. Washington courts will not uphold an agreement to compensate a surrogate; it would be considered a gross misdemeanor. However, you can reimburse the surrogate for her pregnancy expenses, actual medical expenses, and reasonable attorney fees for drafting the surrogacy contract.
We’re a married same-sex couple, and our child will be born to a surrogate. Do we need to adopt?
Under Washington law, both spouses in a marriage (including same-sex marriages) are presumed to be the legal parents of a child born during the marriage. However, other states may not recognize this parentage for same-sex spouses.
If one spouse is not genetically related to the child, you should consider an adoption to establish and confirm parental rights. An adoption proceeding can provide additional peace of mind and help ensure that both parents receive full parental rights, even if they move outside of Washington State in the future.
I’m single, and my child will be born to a surrogate. Do I need to adopt?
If you are single and not genetically related to the child (your eggs or sperm were not used to conceive the child), you should consider an adoption or parentage proceeding to confirm your status as the child’s sole parent.
If your eggs or sperm were used to conceive the child, you may still want to consider a parentage proceeding to establish that the surrogate is not the legal parent. This also protects the surrogate from having financial obligations to support the child.
Do the surrogate and intended parents need separate attorneys?
It is highly recommended that the intended parents and the surrogate be represented by separate attorneys. This makes it much more likely that the surrogacy contract will be seen as legally valid, if you ever wind up in court. It is in the best interests of everyone involved to hire separate attorneys for the intended parents and surrogate. Typically, the intended parents pay all attorney fees (including fees for the surrogate’s attorney).
What happens after I hire an attorney?
The intended parents’ attorney will collect the necessary information and prepare the first draft of the surrogacy agreement. The surrogate’s attorney will review the draft agreement and may request changes.
You will have the opportunity to read and review the legal agreement. You can discuss questions and concerns with your attorney, or suggest revisions to the agreement.
Typically, meetings with your attorney may take place either in-person or by phone.
The entire process can take 1 to 4 weeks, depending on how quickly the agreements are read and approved by the surrogate, intended parents, and their respective attorneys.
Disclaimer: The information provided here is for educational purposes only. The information is general in nature and may not apply to your specific situation. Before taking further action, you should consult a qualified attorney in your state.
Christina Park is a reproductive attorney and founder of the Law Offices of Christina Park in Seattle, WA. She graduated from Yale Law School. Christina assists intended parents, egg donors, embryo donors, and surrogates and is proud to help build families.
Here in Seattle, WA it's not uncommon for fertility clinics to work with intended parents from Vancouver, BC. In my legal practice, I have worked with Canadian clients who travel to Washington State for egg donation / in vitro fertilization procedures. In this article, I will provide an overview of Canadian laws on egg donation, surrogacy, and embryo donation.
Is egg donation legal in Canada?
Yes. Egg donation is legal in Canada, but it is illegal to purchase eggs from a donor (or anyone acting on the donor's behalf). Compensation is prohibited, but the intended parents can legally reimburse the egg donor for egg donation expenses.
Is surrogacy legal in Canada?
Yes, but with significant restrictions. In Canada, commercial surrogacy (which involves payment to the woman for serving as a surrogate) is illegal. However, altruistic surrogacy without compensation is allowed. The intended parents can reimburse the surrogate for her reasonable pregnancy expenses.
What else should I know about surrogacy in Canada?
In Canada, it is illegal to:
Advertise that the intended parents will pay the woman for acting as a surrogate.
Pay someone for arranging the services of a surrogate mother.
If there is reason to believe that a woman is under age 21, it is illegal to counsel her to become a surrogate mother.
Do surrogacy laws vary among provinces?
Yes. Canada has federal laws governing surrogacy, but each province has its own set of rules regarding what happens after the child's birth. Some provinces are considered more surrogacy-friendly than others -- for example, Ontario and British Columbia. On the other hand, Quebec is unfavorable to surrogacy and often avoided by intended parents for this reason.
Is embryo donation legal in Canada?
Similar to egg donation and surrogacy, embryo donation is legal in Canada. However, the embryo cannot be purchased or sold for compensation, according to the Assisted Human Reproduction Act.
*Disclaimer: Christina Park is licensed to practice law in Washington State. This blog post is for educational purposes only. Please contact a qualified Canadian lawyer for advice on Canadian legal issues.
This week is National Infertility Awareness Week and the theme is You Are Not Alone. LaMothe Surrogacy Consulting has always promised to stand by the side of those needing support in their family building journeys especially for those needing to complete their family via Surrogacy. If you need guidance and education on the subject of surrogacy, LaMothe Surrogacy Consulting is offering a discount on our most popular 3-5 hour consulting package plus the free 40 minute phone call that will change your life. Mention this blog post and receive a 25% discount this week only. You can set up a consultation for a future date and pay in advance but this offer ends on April 25th! We look forward to hearing from you and assisting you on your journey to parenthood!
I belong to a lot of support groups....mostly for surrogates and IPs and some professional only groups. I am sorry to say that I just can't believe how potential surrogates and experienced surrogates treat each other on these groups and message boards. I have always believed that these FB groups have been started for support and education...even sharing experiences but what I have read in the past few days is just women tearing down other women! And for what? I just don't get it. I would like to think that these people wouldn't act this way in person but I'm afraid I would be wrong. It's shameful in the name of US surrogacy. And I would like to add that the groups that are moderated by agencies are NEVER allowed to become this insane...it always seems to be a supportive atmosphere with advice and answers to questions without the worry of being ridiculed. Please STOP this madness.
Owners and Moderators of a support page or a group: Please reprimand the bullies! That is your J.O.B. Just like you toss (ban or delete) people out who post those stupid sunglasses and handbag advertisements, these women who "just speak their own mind and tell it like it is" while walking all over someone's feelings or with the attitude that they "just give my opinion and if you don't like it you can leave" need to be reminded why they are on that particular page or in that support group. One warning, and on the next infraction, out they should go. It's hard. I know. I have "owned" several support and educational groups. Moderators are there to protect the area from all sorts of invaders like advertisers, trolls, creeps, and bullies. Be a part of the solution and not a part of the problem.
Here is a clue that your group has a bully(s) in it--when a person posts a question or comment and ends it with "no bashing please". What this means is that they know that some people in this group will start bashing, that the topic might be sensitive, that the group is not moderated but the poster still wants input and support regarding her question.
For those that just can't seem to control themselves when sitting behind a keyboard and monitor screen, if you can't be nice then just don't type...let it go...if you can't be supportive then just skip the post. If you want to be supportive but don't know what to say then just leave a smile or a heart...or a hug. If you have something to contribute then please leave your judgments at the door and just state the facts ma'am. We are ALL better then this...YOU are better then this!
You know, you can find out what your surrogacy agency charges their Intended Parents just by asking your case manager or looking on their website. It's no secret. Agency fees are anywhere between $15,000 and $23,000 and the services that are offered are varied. I can hear you now exclaiming OMG and You have gotta be kidding me! But I am telling you the truth...ask anyone. As Intended Parents you may find a lower price out there but you get what you pay for. One thing that I do want to make clear is that although the Intended Parents are paying these fees the surrogate shares equally in the benefits of having an agency without paying a dime.
Let’s look at the list of common services for your average cost of $15,000-$18,000 surrogacy agency fee:
Interviewing prospective Surrogates - Personal interviews and Phone conferences, Placing ads if needed, Arranging the home visit, Educating the surrogates on the process of IVF and all expectations of a surrogacy journey
Assistance arranging Psychological screenings for all parties
Assistance arranging for a Life Insurance Policy and disability for the Surrogate
Reviewing medical and maternity policies
Assistance arranging for Legal Representation for all parties
Assistance with Contract information for all parties
Assistance in locating a fertility specialist or fertility clinic for the surrogacy process
Assistance in locating an obstetrician
Assistance arranging mediation and counseling if needed
Case Management: hot line, guarantee of returning calls and e-mails within 24 hours or next business day, online/phone guidance and support, expert advice and personal meetings.
Attending transfers and births
Plus luncheons, retreats, gifts and other perks for the Surrogates and for the Intended Parents, assistance with travel arrangements, finding hotels, information on Visa's, Social Security numbers and other documentation for international situations etc.
Let’s not forget that, for the surrogacy agency, this can be a two year+ commitment to their Intended Parents and Surrogates. The surrogate may not become pregnant on the first embryo transfer, she may miscarry and the IPs might need to be rematched, the pregnancy alone is 40 weeks and then there is the support after the birth. Running an agency is a huge commitment!
What a surrogate does contribute to this sensitive process is her time and her body. She is dedicated and responsible and is expected to include her IPs in all of her medical decisions regarding the surrogacy journey. She reassures, she cares for herself and the baby she is carrying, she takes time out of her life to help another family and her agency stands behind her, guiding, supporting and educating where they can. She sets her family life aside, at times, to put this surrogacy first and all the while hopes that this life changing event will be appreciated.
I believe that agency owners are invaluable and that their services cannot be duplicated. I also believe that surrogates benefit from a support system that only an agency can offer.
Surrogacy is a priceless gift and being a surrogate takes a special type of woman. Someone who is willing to take risks. She should be selfless and accommodating and not nickel & dimeing her Intended Parents into the poor house. Agreed? Yes? If you are THAT woman, you are one in hundreds!
Surrogacy agencies review hundreds of applications a month. 90-95% of these applicants are not qualified due to age, weight, health issues, location (their state not having surro-friendly laws), on welfare, on medications, nursing, want $100,000.00 + and some, once they find out that needles are involved, run very fast and very far away. Finding a woman who is not only qualified but really does have a place in her heart to help another family out is harder to find then you may think.
Back in the day, when *I* was a surrogate, there really weren't message boards and places to compare contracts and benefits. Any payments were pretty straight up. You were reimbursed with a 'base compensation package' and you could expect all medical and legal costs to be covered plus maternity clothes, child care, lost wages, life insurance, house keeping if you were on bedrest and any travel...you know, the basics. And all seemed well in the world and IPs didn't feel taken advantage of and went along with the process. Surrogates didn't "shop" for the highest compensation in the land and for every possible wish list item to be covered.
Now before you get all caught up in what you feel these women deserve, lets talk about the extra's that are being asked for by the potential surrogates TODAY:
Extra money for organic food and free-range beef and chicken
Reimbursements for acupuncture and maternity massage
Monthly Maintenance allowance for items not covered in the contract (undocumented and over $200.00+)
Reimbursements to have the placenta encapsulated
Money for an essential oil packages
Gym memberships to get back into shape after the baby is born
Payments for loss of a reproductive organs (upwards of $25,000.00)
Pedicures and manicures
and more...
All of this, plus all of the basic expectations (mentioned before) and $25,000.00+ for a first time surrogate. Is it any wonder that a Surrogacy Agency is trying to pull in the reigns and manage expectations on behalf of their Intended Parents?
On the flip side of this you do have some IPs, especially those that can afford it, offering to install filtered drinking water systems, will pay extra for their surrogate to adopt a different and sometimes strange diet, will pay for special vitamins/minerals to be ingested, will provide CDs and head phones so that the baby can "listen" to music and stories in utero, may want their surrogate to travel to be "blessed", purchase belly casting, pay for henna tattoos and professional photos of everyone involved with the pregnant "belly" that is the surrogate. This list goes on for the IPs as well.
For now it is the Surrogacy Agency that is trying to keep the cost down for their Intended Parents. Unless the IPs specifically ask for certain benefits to be added, the agency uses the same base pay and general expenses that every surrogate deserves. And as a surrogate, you have to ask yourself, do I need MORE then this to help someone complete their family? Do I need more money to feel appreciated? Why am I doing this in the first place?
I believe surrogacy is a priceless gift and I believe that if every Intended Parent could afford to give their surrogate a million dollars, they would. The fact remains that surrogacy is a very costly endeavor and although the financial aspect is distasteful to discuss when talking about babies and pregnancy, someone in the process has to ask how much is too much.
"I can't believe that just when I want to help someone else as a surrogate and give the ultimate gift I am rejected by 3 agencies because my BMI is too high! What is the deal here? I was 42 lbs overweight with my last 2 kids and everything was just fine! I think I'll go indy!!" Oh, you just don't know how many times I have read this, heard it, or have talked about these 'weighty' issues. If you think I am quoting Y.O.U. believe me, I am not. You just happen to fall into a very large category of rejected surrogate applicants.
Agencies, for the most part, are not run by doctors or nutritionists however, they do take their direction, when it comes to medical qualifications, from the Reproductive Endocrinologists (RE's). It won't matter if you "go independent" or through an agency, when it comes to weight, the scale at the RE's office will be the deciding factor. Many clinics are very strict and will not accept any surrogate over a 30 BMI. Some will make exceptions for 10 or 15 lbs over that but the majority will reject you at least until you are under their weight limit. So basically the agency is saving the Intended Parents time and money by not accepting you into their program. (It costs the agency or the IP money the minute you step foot into the Dr's office for a medical exam.)
Lets first look at the BMI range for adults 20 years and older:
A BMI below 18.5 is considered underweight.
A BMI of 18.5 to 24.9 is considered healthy.
A BMI of 25 to 29.9 is considered overweight.
A BMI of 30 or higher is considered obese.
It doesn't feel very good, does it, to be called obese. Because that is what it means when your BMI is over 30. So we all know that obesity is a huge problem in America and the "side effects" of being obese are numerous. The agency doesn't want to put your health in jeopardy, nor do they want the RE's office to think that they find women who are obese acceptable as surrogates. Women who want to become surrogates need to be as healthy as possible and taking care of your body is high on the list.
If you don't know this already one of the side effects of obesity is...guess...premature birth risk. "A new Journal of the American Medical Association study found that obesity increases a woman's chance of having a preterm baby, especially when her body mass index is 35 or higher. The study's authors speculate that having too much fat may inflame and weaken the uterine and cervical membranes. Whatever the reason, it can have devastating effects. Premature birth is the leading cause of infant death and long-term disabilities." Quoted from ABC News.
So, if you really want to be a surrogate then help yourself first and get into the best shape you can now. Don't judge how your own pregnancies went because a surrogacy journey has many more medical layers and a lot more money and people involved. Most of all, don't take this 'rejection' to heart. This IS something you can control, change and be better off once you do.
"Why do you want to come here? To my house? Can't we meet at the McDonalds with the playland and talk there?" The home visit that a case manager (CM) arranges with a potential surrogacy candidate is truly an important part of the relationship building process between you and your new agency. If you have made it to the home visit portion of the application process then you are being taken very seriously as a potential match for waiting Intended Parents. What is a case manager looking for by coming to your home? You may be surprised.
It starts with your neighborhood. Is it in a "safe" part of your town or city? Is it clean and seem "kept up"? Do you own your own home or do you live in a complex? When you open the door, are you dressed for company? Does your case manager get a good first impression or is your living space disorganized and smell of cigarette smoke? Is there a place to sit and chat or is it hard to find an area clear of clutter?
All of this is observed within the first few minutes of finding a place to park and entering a surrogates home. The eyes and ears of a case manager are the eyes and ears of your potential Intended Parents. IP's want to be reassured that any woman that they are working with lives in a safe and healthy environment. This does NOT mean that you have to own your own home or live in a gated community but it does mean that you care about yourself, your family, and your surroundings.
I have done my share of home visits and so a quick story: I made my appointment with a potential surrogate a week in advance...she looked great on paper and sent photos (although she wasn't smiling in any of them so I planned to take some happier ones on this day)...talking to her on the phone was wonderful and she said all the right things. She had insurance and a job and was a single mother with her parents support. All good things. I show up at her home on time and observe that it was in a decent middle class neighborhood and the house was a single family home and other then the lawn needing a trim, looked fine to me. Now remember, she knew for a WEEK that I was coming over. She answered the door and I got the one-two punch! The smell of urine that hit me first almost made my eyes water and the fact that her smile included at least 7 cavities in her front 8 teeth. I smiled and went inside. You have to know that I wanted to leave then and there but decided to go on with the appointment. She had her 18 month old in front of the TV with a sippy cup full of Coke. (I asked and she told me that was the baby's favorite drink and if she didn't get it she would "bug" us all through our visit.) Trust me when I say that I DID NOT want to sit on her sofa that was so stained that you didn't know if it was beige, brown, or coffee colored. The trash and dirt in the place was unmanageable not to mention that it wasn't helped by a large German Shepard jumping all over the place. I asked to use the bathroom, as part of my routine, and it was worse then any gas station restroom I had ever visited. Without going into any more detail, this woman was rejected. I actually went through the educational process with her faster then I have ever explained anything before and then left. I called her from my office later that day and had a heart to heart with her about everything from her dental health to her living conditions. I hope to this day that I did her a favor.
Having shared that story with you, I am hoping you can see how important it is to a case manager to be able to accurately describe a surrogates surroundings to her potential Intended Parents and reassure them that she lives in a safe and healthy environment. They may actually come to visit their surrogate themselves and for the agency to know that they have thoroughly vetted the living conditions of the woman who will be carrying their baby is crucial.
Here is a short check list for those of you expecting a home visit:
_Make sure your home is clean especially the bathroom and the kitchen
_Declutter your home just to the point where you don't have piles of bills and magazines stacked on the tables and counters. We know you have to LIVE there!
_Have an activity to keep your child/children who may be home busy so you can talk
_Offer a tour of your home (if you don't the case manager will have to ask it it's not a comfortable position to be in--much better if offered)
_Have a place set up, preferably at a kitchen or dining table, to chat and look over paperwork
_Ask how long the case manager feels the appointment will be so you don't have to rush
_Have at least water to offer in a clean glass (I feel I have to say that just because of a past experience...)
_If you are responsible for the yard work, have the lawn mowed and free of toys (as much as possible) and garbage
_Please make sure you live in a non-smoking environment and that you don't allow people to smoke in your home
_If you are a past surrogate and have photos to share that would be great!
I would love it if you have any experiences that you would like to share and what would make a home visit comfortable for you!
"What does it take to get a surrogacy application approved around here anyway"? It's amazing how many women put in applications, mostly filling it out online, and leave very important information out. It's almost a 'if they don't ask, don't tell' policy. I am focusing on the Gestational Surrogates today and I'm telling you that there is more then just filling out an application. To get a surrogate approved to the point of having her profile shown to Intended Parents, there are many steps that the agency needs to take. Below are the most common questions for applications that are filled out online. Case Manager (CM) reviews the application making sure that the applicant for a Gestational Surrogate (GS) at least meet the standard qualifications:
Is the GS in the right age range? (21-38 in most cases)
Does the GS have her own children and is she parenting them?
What is her height/weight ratio? If she is overweight will that be acceptable to the clinics that the agency/IPs work with? What about other health issues, past and present?
Is the GS currently breast feeding? Is she willing to stop if she is?
Is the GS on Medications?
Is she on medicaid or any other financial assistance?
Does she have clearance from her OB to become pregnant again?
And the list goes on. Needless to say if a candidate is qualified after the initial paperwork and phone call then a background check is next and then the home visit. A review of her insurance policy is important too and often takes a couple of phone calls to confirm if a surrogacy pregnancy would be covered or not. Case managers put a lot of time and effort into making sure a potential surrogate can make it through the next two important hurdles, the psychological evaluation and the medical exam. By this time a surrogate most likely has had her profile shared with 2 or more sets of Intended Parents. (A profile has been made that includes her pregnancy history, photos and hobbies).
Some surrogate candidates have their applications at 2 or more agencies without the case managers even knowing that she is "shopping for IP's". Each agency is investing their time and money into each applicant that is accepted and truly putting the best interests of their surrogates first. Needless to say that it really isn't fair to be playing the field, so to speak, and it can be heartbreaking to Intended Parents who are counting on a match based on the agency's belief that their surrogate(s) are dedicated to them alone and then finding out later that wasn't the case.
Everyone working in the field of Third Party Reproduction knows how sensitive and serious the issue of working with a surrogate is. In most cases she's a stranger to the IPs when they are matched via an agency. Honesty up front, is the best policy. As a woman who wants to become a surrogate, please consider all of the people and steps behind the scenes and all that it takes to get to the contract phase. The agency is here to work for YOUR best interests and they are only as good as the information you provide.
I think every agency needs to tell their new surrogates what exactly is happening to their profile once a woman is accepted as a viable candidate for waiting Intended Parents with that agency. I think that it would be an important educational tool because some surrogates are not loyal to one agency. They are often times listed with 3 or 4 agencies without anyone but that surrogate knowing about these other commitments. And it is a commitment.
What is happening behind the scenes is that the potential surrogate's profile is being shown to waiting IPs. The IPs are assuming that this candidate is exclusive to a single agency and they start to consider working with the person/profile that the case manager sent them. The IPs look forward to the prospect of speaking with someone that may be "the one" and getting to know more about her and her family. In the meantime this same surrogate has her profile at other agencies for other IPs to consider as well. With the waiting list at many agencies so long, IPs who have been waiting months to see even a glimmer of the hope of a match get excited at the prospect of finally moving forward on this very long journey. For some surrogates, however, a match comes quickly. Their application can be accepted in one week and they are "matched" in the next.
I think that if surrogates knew how damaging it is to have a application at several agencies at once, with their profiles being shown to several IPs who are searching for someone to help them, they would stop and think before being dishonest about their actions. If a surrogate wants to be listed with several agencies then it would only be fair that she tells everyone that she is keeping her options open until she finds the right match for her. (This would have to be before the psychological evaluation and the medical screening as those are both costly) Needless to say that there is nothing wrong with trying to find a great match however, when you are listed with several agencies at once, all are working on a match and really are spending time, money and resources on making sure you, as their surrogate are represented in the best way possible.
The laws on surrogacy vary markedly between different countries - and even within individual countries - in a murky system that can leave children and mothers vulnerable, particularly those in poorer countries.
Here's a look at the situation in some countries.
Germany, Spain, France, the Netherlands
Surrogacy is banned completely, meaning infertile couples are unable to turn to surrogacy as an option. But France does not put a ban on couples bringing in children from surrogacy contracts abroad.
Britain
Commercial surrogacy is illegal and can be punishable by law.
It is also illegal for any woman to advertise herself as a surrogate mother.
Couples can only partake in altruistic surrogacy and can consult non-profit organisations during the process.
Once the surrogate mother has given birth to the child, she is the legal carer of her baby until an adoption has been finalised. However, even if she gives the child up initially, she has the legal right to claim it back for two years if she gave one of her eggs in the process.
China
Surrogacy is banned but there is a flourishing black market, with about 10,000 babies born a year.
Australia
Surrogacy is allowed only if the birth mother carries the child for altruistic reasons and does not receive any payment beyond medical costs.
Australian states such as New South Wales forbid people to go abroad and pay a surrogate. Anyone who does so faces two years in jail. But in other states such as Victoria, commercial surrogacy abroad is permitted, though there are no rules or enforceable guidelines.
India, Russia, Ukraine, Georgia
Commercial surrogacy, where the mother is paid, is allowed.
In India, only heterosexual couples can partake in commercial surrogacy. The industry is worth an estimated US$1 billion (S$1.25 billion) a year.
United States
Commercial surrogacy is legal in 19 US states, which have laws recognising compensated surrogacy. Another 10 states allow unpaid surrogacy. Such laws tend to enable would-be parents to change the birth certificate of the child and gain legal recognition of parenthood. All children born via surrogacy in the US are eligible for a US passport, regardless of the citizenship of their parents.
Thailand
Surrogacy is allowed only when the surrogate mother is a blood relative of the baby's parents. But there has long been lax regulation and oversight.
However, there are proposals to ban commercial surrogacy, and limit such arrangements to heterosexual couples.
Advertisement of surrogacy may also be made illegal, and surrogacy may be undertaken only by parents who had had at least one child.
Source: The Straits Times, London Telegraph, Guardian
- See more at: http://www.straitstimes.com/news/world/more-world-stories/story/surrogacy-laws-around-the-world-20140805#sthash.8D0NYisg.dpuf
Time is ticking!!Join me for Infertility Busters for the Stressful Holiday Season Tele-Summit! Fertility Advise That Actually Works! Starting TODAY – Infertility Busters, so you can Create the family you want!
Just a quick reminder that I’m providing you with FREE access to a very special virtual event, Infertility Busters for the Stressful Holiday Season Tele-Summit!
22 of the world’s top Infertility experts are joining together to give you guidance that really work how to grow your family with mind/body/spirit balance this Holiday Season? Advice that is tested and true…and actually works!
I’m thrilled to be included in the panel and I can’t wait share the strategies and tips that have helped many of my clients grow their families. (I will be speaking on Surrogacy: Working with Family and Friends!)
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There’s no cost to you and the tips you’ll receive would cost you THOUSANDS of dollars to secure on your own.
So don’t delay, grab your spot now.
P.S. Don’t miss out on amazing guidance that really works.
Let’s get real! I’m so excited to extend a FREE invitation to you for the Infertility Busters for the Stressful Holiday Season Tele-Summit starting December 9- December 18th.
Are you frustrated with family and friends giving you advice that proves they just don’t understand what you are going through? Are you sick of trying to navigate the treatment options that promise the baby you want only to give you a big debt and no baby?
What if you could hear from some of the world’s leading Infertility experts and get their best advice on how to grow your family with mind/body/spirit balance? Advice that is tested and true…and actually works! Now imagine having access to all of them for free! (I will be talking about working with family members or friends as your surrogate! Valuable information here PLUS you will get a free hour of one on one time with ME!)
This is exactly what my colleague (and fertility thought leader) Renee Waggener at Xtraordinary Fertility has done with the Infertility Busters Tele-summit!– a virtual event like no other!
And I’m thrilled to be a part of it! I’m joining a team of 22 amazing experts with fantastic advice you can use right away! Together we’re helping thousands of women struggling with infertility throughout the globe who are ready to feel less stress this Holiday season.
This is my personal invitation to join me and get the best wisdom, inspiration and support to guide you into more confidence, clarity, and connection to spirit, family and yourself this Holiday season.
Starting Dec. 9th continuing through Dec. 18th , you’ll have access to incredible experts who will all share their personal journey’s with serving the infertility community and give you some tips you can use right away.
Let’s Bust open Infertility! Join me and 22 of the world’s leading Infertility experts for the:
Are you frustrated with family and friends giving you advice that proves they just don’t understand what you are going through? Are you sick of trying to navigate the treatment options that promise the baby you want only to give you a big debt and no baby?
What if you could hear from some of the world’s leading Infertility experts and get their best advice on how to grow your family with mind/body/spirit balance? Advice that is tested and true…and actually works! Now imagine having access to all of them for free!
This is exactly what my colleague (and fertility thought leader) Renee Waggener at Xtraordinary Fertility has done with the Infertility Busters Tele-summit!– a virtual event like no other!
Starting Dec. 9th continuing through Dec. 18th , you’ll have access to incredible experts who will give you some tips you can use right away.
Q: I am considering using two surrogates at the same time instead of just one. I think that it will increase my chances of a pregnancy through surrogacy plus I only have to go through the egg retrieval once for two fresh cycles. Are there any reasons why this might not be a good idea? My husband and I are fine if there are multiples involved and are prepared to accept any babies that would be born out of this arrangement! Has this even been done before? What if I were to also carry at the same time? So many questions!
A: This is a loaded question for sure. First, yes it has been done. More often then not one surrogate will become pregnant where the other doesn't...making one feel like a failure because rarely will an IP go on again to do a 2nd transfer with her because they have one woman pregnant and that is overwhelming enough at that moment. (Esp if it's a mutipal pregnancy) Another issue that can pop up is that the transfers take place on the same day...and both surrogates become pregnant...rarely (again) will these women reside in the same town let alone the same county and if they are due on the same day or go into labor at the same time...where are you? Which baby do you see born, which hospital do you spend your time in? What if one baby needs to stay in the NICU and the other one or two are released from the hospital? So you see how complicated this could get. I think that it's more stress then its worth and devalues the relationship that you have with your surrogate (s). I think its different if you were the one carrying the 2nd baby because if you both were PG then that may bring you closer and sharing experiences along the way however, again, you might be on bed rest and not be at the hospital to see your other baby being brought into the world.... SO I recommend that you have one surro at a time. You may like this woman enough to wait a year and try again with her. (esp. if you have frozen embryos) That way you wouldn't have to go through the searching and interviewing process again and you already have a relationship with someone you trust.
Good Luck!
Sharon
http://www.lamothesurrogacyconsulting.com
If you have any surrogacy related questions, please e-mail me at [email protected]!
Friends and Relatives are so thoughtful and kind ...they try to say the right thing and even stick out their neck and lend a hand even for the most controversial job ie offering to be a surrogate and carry YOUR baby. At first this may seem to be manna from Heaven! Someone has stepped up to the plate and recognized that there is a problem here and they are going to act as savior and 'make it all OKAY'. Better yet they may 'want nothing' as far as compensation (money) but they MAY want a baby named after them! Someone sent me some great insight as to what went through their mind when a casual friend of the family offered to be their surrogate:
" I'm uncomfortable.... she seems to think this is her purpose in life, she wants very badly to do this for us and I'm afraid that I'll have to spend the rest of my life being… overly grateful. And since we have common friends and our moms are friends, how long before I get labeled as an ingrate? Since we talk about once every 3 months now, I think she will expect that will change to daily/weekly forever & if it doesn’t then there will be problems. And I don’t want her second guessing every parenting decision we make for the rest of our lives. Other comments that gave me pause were 1. “If I have triplets you’re going to have to name one of them after me.” And 2. “What happens after delivery? You just take the baby and leave?” (uhm, yes, because it’s mine, not yours.)"
These points are very valid! I know of a sister who acted as a Gestational Carrier for her brother and sister-in-law and lived in the same surrogate friendly state. At the end of the entire surrogacy process and the baby was born, the brother and sister-in-law left the state and the relationship is rocky at best. Some of the issues that were told to me by the surrogate were: 1. IPs (brother and SIL) didn't like that she was in the hot tub while pregnant even though she did it when she was PG with her own kids, 2. IP's didn't like the fact that she had wine while pregnant with their child although they poured HER wine when she was PG with her own children. 3. IPs didn't like her OB or where she was planning on giving birth although it was good enough for her own children. 4. During the first family gathering after the baby was born the IP's didn't dress the baby properly for the weather and the surro 'just had to say something'....I think you get the picture! A perfectly good friendship/family relationship can be totally ruined if certain expectations are not in place. And how can guidelines be set if each party is afraid to hurt or insult the others feelings?
One solution might be hiring someone to be a relationship manager/consultant. In this case the friend offering to be the surrogate would be screened by the consultant. She would be asked questions that every surrogate would be expected to answer and be evaluated just as anyone else would be. She would have a background check. The IP's would know what was happening each and every step of the way. Expectations would be clearly set for the entire surrogacy relationship and most of these would be listed in the contract. The softer, non enforceable issues could be handled by the middle man, the case manager ie consultant. IP's having an issue with Hot Tub usage? Call in the Surrogacy Consultant (SC). Wine with dinner...call in the SC, questioning a co-pay? Ask some one else to confront the surrogate (like the escrow agent) In order to save the friendship it is important to have the expectations laid on the line. For everyone's sake!
The other solution? Say "No, thank you" and find someone else.
I found this blurb (below) on Adopting.org a few years back and OH! YES! I have a lot to say about this topic! It's still in the news today. The question at the bottom of this article is: Should surrogacy be limited only to those with medical issues that preclude carrying a pregnancy to term (or men, without female partners, seeking to become parents)? My answer is Yes! Please do keep it limited! I'm sorry for all those women out there who don't want to go through pregnancy, labor or delivery. I'm even sorrier for those women who are too "busy" with their careers to take the time off to visit their local delivery room. (HA! Not!) Plain and simple, if you are too busy or stressed out about how you body will look after a 9 month pregnancy and childbirth then perhaps YOU, my friend, are not prepared for motherhood! When would you find the time in your busy schedule to even go through the surrogacy process? Want to use your own eggs? Egg Retrieval isn't exactly a walk in the park. Want to work with a surrogate? When will you ever find the time to have a relationship with HER and prepare for the baby or babies when they come home? And then there is the actual parenting part of the process...there isn't enough time for me to go through each and every step that would, for certain, take time out of your "normal" life. (Unless you are going to hire a nanny for 24/7 care and she can bring up your child too....hmmmm now there is an idea....)
So in short, if you think that women who are volunteering to be surrogate mothers are signing contracts to help perfectly healthy and capable women avoid the rigors of pregnancy and labor you can think again. There maybe some women out there, if you wave money under their noses and promise them the world, that would consider it but in the long run, I think they would have regrets and feel that their sacrifice and effort only enabled a selfish cause.
Is your career booming and pregnancy would be inconvenient? Is your svelte figure your claim to fame? Would nine months of bulges and sags take too much of a toll on your mirror?
Ah, and you want children who are yours biologically, and you don't have any medical problems that would interfere with your becoming (and staying) pregnant?
Have We Got A Deal For You!
Just supply your genetic material (sperm and egg), fertility specialists will add the IVF technology, and get connected with a woman who, for a basic fee upwards of $30,000 (not including the extras, lawyers, etc.), will agree to go through gestational surrogacy, carrying your biological child. She will go through the morning sickness, get the swollen ankles and stretch marks, and give birth - to your child.
Depending on the state and the terms of statutes covering surrogacy (if any), your child either comes complete with a birth certificate conveniently free of any names but your own, or you go through an adoption process.
We're not talking about infertility. We're not talking about medical hurdles to getting and/or staying pregnant. This is strictly about surrogacy for social reasons - too busy, the pressures of commitments, a career based on looks, etc.
Many clinics and specialists do not accept clients who are able to bear biological children, while others believe it is outside their purview to question the reasons some may pursue surrogacy.
What do you think? Should surrogacy be limited only to those with medical issues that preclude carrying a pregnancy to term (or men, without female partners, seeking to become parents)? Please share your thoughts!!
Some are seeing this topic and saying...this is a no brainer...but there are others who have waived their rights to an attorney and regretted it. (or not...let me hear from you if that is the case!) I hate to admit it but I waived the right to an attorney for my second surrogacy. Yes, I thought that I knew it all...inside and out...after all I had been a surrogate before. I owned a Surrogacy Agency. I helped others discuss contract issues. Cocky.
Now my situation wasn't that sticky. It could have been a lot worse! There were just times when I wished I could pick up the phone and talk to someone who knew my side, my contract, and could answer my questions without a disclaimer/reminder that they worked for the IP's. Because that's what happens when you, the Surrogate, don't have your own personal attorney, you end up calling your IP's attorney hoping to get some answers or direction. Needless to say you want to avoid THAT phone call. It doesn't make you feel very special.
Most IP's only provide enough money for the contract review. (between $800 and $1,500) This means that you have a attorney (hopefully one who knows Assisted Reproductive Law) review the proposed contract with you, the Surrogate. Your attorney would explain to you what you are agreeing to, what issues can be enforced, what the risks are if you change your mind, what will happen if you breech your contract and on and on and on. You can ask all the legal questions you want and have a dialog with your attorney that should make you very comfortable with your understanding of what exactly you (and your spouse) are signing. Contract changes can be made and negations regarding expenses can be resolved.
If you are in the middle of your surrogacy and all of a sudden you are asked to do something not in your contract or something happens and it doesn't seem clear the best way to handle the situation, you should be able to call the attorney who reviewed your contract and ask your question. If a difficult or confusing issue arises and you need to hire an attorney at least you have a starting point, someone who was with you in the beginning, and someone who can guide you in your decisions.
Why take any chances? IP's, you should really want to have your Surrogate hire her own attorney if only to reassure yourselves that she knows what she is doing legally. If a situation arises that you are before a judge because of a misunderstanding and your surrogate had no representation at the signing of the contract then that leaves you wide open and vulnerable as well. Cover all the bases and insist on having your own attorney. After all, Intended Parents are represented, why not you, the Surrogate?
Answer: This is a question that is often asked when the issue of surrogacy is on the table. A Reproductive Endocrinologist once explained it to me very simply, that the fetus makes it's own blood supply. The more technical answer is this: the placenta is the organ that attaches the developing embryo or fetus to the uterus (womb) and is composed of maternal and embryonic tissue, it links the blood supply of the embryo to the blood supply of the mother, allowing the exchange of oxygen, nutrients, and waste products. Please note that the two blood systems are not in direct contact, but are separated by thin membranes, with materials diffusing across from one system to the other. The placenta also produces hormones that maintain and regulate pregnancy. It is shed as part of the afterbirth.
During my first surrogacy, my couple decided to bank the cord blood. I wondered if I could use it if I personally ever needed to and the answer was no because those babies were not related to me.
Reimbursement for the Loss of Reproductive Organs is a fairly new concept and one that I honestly disagree with however it doesn't matter what I think in this case...it matters if it's a deal breaker to the Surrogate or Intended Parent when it comes to contract issues.
When a surrogate agrees to enter into a contract with Intended Parents it’s usually written SOMEWHERE in the contract that she, the surrogate, is aware of the complications of child birth. This can be worded in many different ways but what this section is really saying to women is that you know that there are risks to pregnancy and birth. The risk of an ectopic pregnancy, risk of miscarriage, risk of infections, risk of c-sections, risk of high blood pressure, risk of gestational diabetes, risk of hysterectomy, and yes, even the risk of death. This list is as long as my arm but I think my point is very clear. Being a surrogate mother is risky! (which is why you need health and life insurance!)
To ask for a set amount in case there is a loss of reproductive organs has been seen in quite a few of the newer contracts. I have noticed anywhere from $15,000 to $25,000 depending on what reproductive organ is lost. In the case of an ectopic pregnancy an ovary might be damaged or lost and with a hysterectomy the uterus and other parts of the reproductive system are removed. Each of these situations, where organs are removed, is usually done in emergency circumstances only. Even in the case of a miscarriage with a D&C the uterine lining can be damaged and a condition called Ashermans syndrome can occur and make the surrogate mother unable to carry for anyone, including herself.
Most of these organ threatening situations are rare but they do happen. Many agencies and clinics will ask the woman wanting to be a surrogate if she feels satisfied with her family as it stands at that moment. Would she regret it if she couldn't add to her own family in the future? If so, is that a risk she is willing to take? And lets be honest, no amount of money is going to placate a woman for her loss of fertility. Even $25,000 isn't going to scratch the surface of replacing her ability to become pregnant and carry her own child. (How well her very own Intended Parents will know this!)
Comments? Is your contract different? I would like to hear from you!
Answer: I just had this discussion this week regarding why aren't surrogates (and their fees) divided into just two categories; 'First Timers' and Experienced. Women becoming a surrogate for the first time have a lot of research to do plus testing to go through. They often have psychological evaluations, need to be coached through the medical protocol, don't understand the shot regimen or the medications they need to take and are unsure of how the birth will effect them emotionally. In a nut shell, they need more hand holding! (And should have it!)
An experienced Surrogate usually will not need another psychological eval unless something major has changed in her life over the past 1-2 years (Although I often recommend one anyway no matter what the length of time between surrogacies), she is familiar with the medical expectations even if they have changed because of new technology and she knows how she feels after giving birth to someone else's baby. (which is often a huge plus for Intended Parents who are worried about this very emotional time in the surrogacy relationship.)
So this begs the question of women who have been surrogates three or four + times why their "base" fee is higher then someone who has had one successful surrogacy arrangement and is matched for her 2nd time. What is the difference? Other then the fact that the 'more experienced' surrogate had proven that she can carry multiple times I say that there isn't much of a difference. As a matter of fact, if a surrogate has more then 3 C-sections she is no longer desirable to a number of clinics/RE's because of the many risks of weakening uteruses and scar tissue to name a couple of complications.
I will even put myself out on a limb and state that I feel it would be better for surrogates and IP's alike if there were two levels of Base Fees....One for the first time surrogate and a level for the experienced surrogate. (with and without the insurance element) Remember I am talking base fee....there is still the laundry list of other "benefits" that are individualized to each situation such as lost wages, housekeeping, child care, maternity clothes, travel and invasive procedures to name a few.
Will this, two tiered compensation plan, happen a crossed our great nation? Perhaps, if government regulation steps in. Will Base Fee's be taxed? Will 1099's make for higher base fees because the IP's need to pay even more for a woman to carry their baby? And will there be a tax credit for IP's using surrogate mothers to carry their children? I have no doubt that these questions will be answered in time!
There are many reasons why you might be looking for an alternative way to create your family and Infertility Answers is designed to assist you in that very personal decision. If you are considering Gestational Surrogacy, Traditional Surrogacy, using an Egg or Sperm Donor or even Embryo Donation then we welcome you! Infertility Answers even has a section dedicated to pregnancy issues! As you read through this site you will find information that addresses these topics and so much more.
The Infertility Answers Mission...
... is to assist you, as Surrogate, Donor or Intended Parent, to learn all you can about Third Party Reproduction so an informed decision can be made. Perhaps you have been frustrated at your attempt to gain knowledge through agencies, clinics or attorneys. Having your basic questions answered here will help you ask the right questions when the time comes to put your Assisted Reproduction plan into action.
Our LaMothe Surrogacy Consultants are dedicated to giving Intended Parents and Surrogates the education and tools needed to make knowledgeable and fact based decisions regarding their Third Party Family Building Options. The old adage 'you don't know what you don't know' is very true in the case of surrogacy arrangements. Deciphering all of the overwhelming information, surrogacy programs, laws, and relationship concerns are what our expert consultants are trained to do. Let us take the stress of figuring out how this 'whole thing works' by contacting LaMothe Surrogacy Consulting today.
Have you read about our Full Service Surrogacy Consulting Program? Please read all about it on our Consulting Services page!
The key to many Intended Parents success in utilizing surrogacy as a family planning option is our Private In (your) Home Surrogacy Consulting which is offered to those who residein Seattle, Washington, Rochester, New York, and Orlando, Florida (and surrounding areas for an additional travel fee). This comprehensive program is for those who desire to have the Surrogacy Process explained in the comfort and privacy of their own home. This program includes up to five hours of in-person consultation for up to 4 people and the materials to help with the decision to move forward with a Third Party Family Building Plan.
If you are an International Intended Parent, LaMothe Surrogacy Consulting is equipped to educate you regarding Surrogacy in the United States. Materials are sent directly to your home and then times are arranged for your own private phone consultation. We also utilize Skype if that is your wish. This is a five hour educational package with materials and can be seperated into 2-3 consultations. Contact us for details.
LaMothe Surrogacy Consulting is NOT a matching service. We do not match Intended Parents, Recipient Couples or Singles with Traditional Surrogates, Gestational Carriers or Egg and Sperm Donors. Instead we prepare Couples and Singles, based on individual needs, to find their way through the maze of Third Party Family Building Options. We work to provide information and education on how the surrogacy process works, who are the professionals that Intended Parents will meet and hire and the questions that they need to ask during each step of the surrogacy journey.
*We also provide egg, embryo and sperm donation information and education when requested.
**Occasionally we will perform requested surrogacy search's for Intended Parents on a case by case basis
I have been part of a discussion on Facebook and wanted to share it with you. It seems that surrogates might be expecting too much from Intended Parents when it comes to being appreciated.
Here is a quote from 'SC':"Surrogacy in all its forms would not be possible without IPs or Surrogates.. The surrogates in this world need to suck it up and figure out they are not saints, they are not one of a kind, they are not the only womane in the world to get pregnant, they are not entited.
Surrogacy tends to be a very one sided affair. Everyone is so ready to jump to the aide of the surrogate, like some fragile little fairy.
I hear so often "You are such an angel for what you do." While I appreciate the thought, Surrogacy would not be possible without the IP, the hope and trust they put into someone else to carry their dream. The crap some of them have to put up with, spoon feeding compliments and presents into their surrogate to make her feel accomplished and spoiled enough, really makes me sick."
My response to this? I understand that you may be talking to the FEW women out there who have the audacity to take the vulnerable Intended Parent for a ride however, you would rarely find that happening when an agency is used and protocol is followed for this very delicate process. Your statement makes it seem that the IPs are put on this planet to "allow" a woman to be a surrogate for them. Really? I think not. I think IPs would rather carry their own baby AND a woman inclined to be a surrogate would find some other outlet for her good deeds. As far as "spoon feeding compliments" and the like, people need to feel appreciated. Its all about the relationship and in ANY good relationship appreciation matters. You tell your daughter "great job helping your brother with his homework", your husband "thank you for taking out the trash", your mother "thanks for taking the kids for me tonight" and so on so why not a little acknowledgement for a job well done to a woman carrying a baby for 9 months for someone else? I also want to add that if a proper contract is in place, the relationship is on solid ground, and psychological evaluations were completed properly, there is no need for anyone to worry about "keeping the baby" which is very rare even if it is considered (by the surrogate).
I don't believe that surrogacy is a one-sided affair...it has many sides and many reasons for its existence and yes, sometimes there is drama but not over lack of compliments or gifts...it's all about respecting the relationship and that's what I teach my clients. No one needs to "suck it up". Where is the respect in that. Not just 'any woman' can be a surrogate just like not just any woman can be an egg donor. To even consider giving the gift of life to another couple through surrogacy is unique and takes a special person, supported by her special family to even consider such a gesture. And Intended Parents appreciate that fact. Without these women...there would be no surrogacy. Without Intended Parents there would be no NEED for surrogacy. THAT is the difference!
This is what I truly believe. That the need for Surrogacy came first and then a woman stepped up to the plate for that couple and said "I will carry your baby for you". 'SC' goes onto say that surrogates should feel thankful and blessed that they were chosen at all. That the Intended Parents are giving the honor for carrying a baby for them. Other comments included that surrogates shouldn't even be paid. One intended father actually called surrogates whores and bitches. (I am sorry for the profanity folks but it's a fact and his posts were removed after some very outraged surrogates replied) All because money was involved and I am sure his personal experiences.
So I want to know, if a surrogate is under contract and 'paid' for her services, does she deserve any more appreciation then her monthly check? Are notes or cards on birthdays or holidays out? Are flowers at the delivery a no-no? Are little niceties that you would offer a friend when she is on bed rest out the window all because she is already being paid? What are the expectations?
I would like to point out that this discussion mostly centered around anti-agency people although there were some very good points made by those who supported surrogacy agency's in general. But I think that one of the roles of a surrogacy agency is to define the expectations of all parties before, during and after the pregnancy. Sure some things can and do change, but having a third party in the mix can be a huge help.
Lastly I would like to thank 'SC' for bringing this topic to the attention of so many people. It is worthy of discussion but with out the name-calling!
Surrogates of often asked to travel while pregnant. If not to actually have the baby in a surrogacy friendly state then to travel to the Intended Parents home state for a visit or ultrasound appointment so that they can feel a part of the pregnancy process. Although I do not recommend travel for the birth for surrogates, I actually did that very thing myself...twice! Below are some tips I found over at babycenter.com. (why reinvent the wheel, right?)
*DON'T forget to check your contract to make sure that you can travel within the time frame you and your IP's have agreed on.
If you have any travel tips or stories to share, please do!
1. Although rules vary, many airlines don't allow pregnant women to fly during the last week or month of their pregnancy without a note from their healthcare provider. Airline regulations aside, most healthcare providers discourage travel after 36 weeks unless it's absolutely necessary.
Ask your doctor or midwife whether there are any medical concerns you need to worry about or upcoming tests you need to work around, or whether you're actually okay to travel, period. High-risk pregnancies need extra TLC, which may prohibit travel.
2. Consider your prenatal test schedule
Time your travel around any prenatal tests you want or need to schedule. The following tests are typically performed during the specified weeks of pregnancy: chorionic villus sampling (CVS) (10 to 12 weeks); amniocentesis (15 to 18 weeks); multiple marker screening (15 to 20 weeks); ultrasound (16 to 20 weeks); glucose screening test (GCT) (24 to 28 weeks); group B strep screening (35 to 37 weeks). (And if you're Rh-negative, you'll need your shot of Rh immunoglobulin at 28 weeks.) If you decide to have one or more of these tests, allow time to get the results — and strategize next steps, if appropriate — before leaving on an extended trip.
3. Gather your medical records and vital health information
Before you leave, prepare a list of key names and phone numbers you'll need in case of emergency and pack it in your carry-on luggage. If you are in your second or third trimester, bring along a copy of your prenatal chart, too, and keep it with you at all times during your trip. The chart should include your age, your last menstrual period, your due date, the number and outcomes of any prior pregnancies, your risk factors for disease, pregnancy-related lab tests and ultrasounds, your medical and surgical history, and a flow sheet of vital signs taken at each visit. If you're planning an extended visit, have your healthcare provider refer you to someone in the area for check-ups or emergencies.
4. Make sure you have all the medications you need
Be careful to pack a sufficient supply of prescription medications, prenatal vitamins, and even over-the-counter remedies you may need during your trip — especially if you're going someplace where those medications aren't readily available. It's a good idea to keep prescription medicine in its original container, so if your bags are searched it will be clear that you're not using medication without a prescription.
5. Check your health insurance policy
Find out if it covers pregnancy complications during travel to your intended destinations (particularly if they include foreign countries). If not, you may want to purchase additional insurance.
6. Buy travel insurance
This special insurance covers expenses if you miss all or part of your trip, or run up emergency expenses on the road. Make sure the policy covers pregnancy complications as well as emergency medical transport from your chosen destination(s).
7. Prepare for the unexpected
If you haven't already, join an auto club that provides road service in case your car breaks down or has a flat tire. Carry the phone numbers for any airlines you'll be using in case you need to confirm or reschedule flights. And always carry a cell phone, especially if you're traveling alone.
8. If flying in your third trimester, check your airline's policies
There are several steps that need to be taken before and after you locate your surrogate. Before your search, you need to have an idea of how much the entire process is going to cost and then assess your financial situation. You need to know if you are going to use your eggs or need an egg donor. Do you know the laws in your state, or do you need to go to another state? Do you have a clinic to assist you and an attorney to assist you with contracts?
After you have educated yourself on these issues, you need to have your surrogate medically and psychologically screened through the clinic of your choice. Contracts need to be drawn up, and support needs to be in place for the rest of the surrogacy pregnancy.
Are there legal issues surrounding surrogacy, or can I just orchestrate this on my own without legal counsel?
States regulate assisted reproductive technology procedures in a variety of ways. For example, some forty-two states have a statutory scheme that addresses artificial insemination. But only thirty-five of those 42 states clarify parentage. There are only five states which recognize some regulation of egg donation. Most states permit reasonable compensation for egg donation, but there is one state which prohibits compensation of any form.
Surrogate or gestational arrangements are addressed to some degree by at least twenty-three states, with one state prohibiting such arrangements. Health insurance coverage for ART is required in twelve states. And finally, Federal law provides some regulation of ART laboratories and requires that pregnancy rates for in vitro fertilization and egg donation cycles be reported to the Centers for Disease Control. Further, professional societies like the ASRM lay out professional standards and guidelines for their professional members.
So you see, there are many issues surrounding assisted reproduction, not the least of which is ensuring that the contract confirms to state law so that the intended parents' names are placed on the birth certificate. There are independent surrogates who have orchestrated these arrangements on their own. However, when you research the web you can see many arrangements where carriers have withheld infants or Intended Parents have failed to pay medical bills and/or compensation. Either of these behaviors are unacceptable.
A surrogacy arrangement is a two sided arrangement where problems can and will arise. When a problem arises, your best protection will be a contract that provides a road map to resolve that problem. We believe that the best interests of the parties and the baby is ensured before the transfer by using an attorney who is skilled in this area.
What are my rights once the surrogate is pregnant?
Your rights are limited by the contract you have with your surrogate. She is pregnant with your baby but retains full control of her body. That is why mutual trust and the legal agreement are so important.
I want to be a surrogate, what are my rights?
Like the intended parents, your rights are limited by the contract you have entered into. There are, however, certain things which you shouldn't have to worry about. First, you shouldn't have to worry that you are being billed for medical procedures. Second, you shouldn't be worried that your credit rating is being affected. Third, you should not have to worry that your monthly reimbursement for your time and risk will be late or not paid. You are the surrogate, not an investor in a birthing process.
You should expect to walk away from a successful surrogacy without having to pay anything out of your pocket and having received everything that was promised in the contract. Conversely, your intended parents should not have to worry that you will act in a manner detrimental to the pregnancy. Since every Surrogacy Agreement has a section which would require you repay the intended parents for detrimental actions, it is important for you to have an independent attorney review the contract on your behalf.
How involved will I, the intended parent, be with the growing pregnancy?
You are as involved as you and your surrogate agree to be. Often times you can be fully involved by attending all doctor's appointments and having several visits with your surrogate and her family. When time constraints and geographic location make that type of closeness impossible, you can use the telephone and email as alternate forms of communication.
Can I be present at the birth?
If you and your surrogate have agreed that you can attend the birth then that is what you can expect. All of these issues are agreed to and placed on your legal agreement before the surrogate goes to transfer.
What if the surrogate won't give up the child?
You hardly ever hear of a gestational surrogate trying to keep a child. In a gestational surrogacy, with no genetic connection to the infant, there is a presumption that the court will automatically place the baby with the Intended Parents. A traditional surrogacy is different because the Carrier is biologically related to the child. A court of law will have to terminate her rights, replacing her name with that of the Intended Mother. The intended father, meanwhile, being biologically related to the child, will have his name immediately placed on the birth certificate.
Will the surrogate have any rights to the child once the baby is born?
A traditional surrogate will go through a termination and thus will lose any rights. In most states, a gestational carrier never had rights because she has no genetic connection to the child.
How do I tell my child about the surrogate mother?
The answer depends on the child and the family structure. Just as in an adoption, the determinate will be when the child possesses the maturity to understand the implications of surrogacy. Most likely it will be many years to come before you are faced with that question. There are several books called Love Makes a Family that help parents share the story of their childrens' conception via egg donation, surrogacy or adoption.
Above are general questions that are often asked by Intended Parents. If you have any questions that you feel need to be answered please visit LaMothe Surrogacy Consulting and contact us through our Contact Us Page.
Remember to discuss these and other issues you may have with your own legal advisor or mental health professional.
Here is the video of the interview I did with King 5 News here in Seattle WA in 2011. We, here in the WA state, hope to support a new surrogacy bill in 2015. It's amazing how people who have never needed a surrogate to assist them feel about the money involved.
After 45 minutes and some great sound bites it's all about the 'profit'. Guess what! There is no real profit! Lets say a Gestational Carrier/Surrogate Mother has agreed to a total of $24,000.00 of 'living expenses' in her contract with her Intended Parents. Once she is pregnant she is usually compensated monthly. If she doesn't spend all of that monthly money on food, maternity clothing, child care, travel expenses (gas, parking), missed work, labor classes, and other pregnancy related issues, IF she has any 'left over' is that considered a profit? What about her TIME at all of those appointments, her effort in staying healthy, her phone calls to the IPs to keep them informed, her discomfort during the early days of her pregnancy with morning sickness and the later months when she can't even tie her shoes? What about the birth and the hospital stay? If we take all of that into consideration there is NO PROFIT!
I would love to hear what you think! Send me an e-mail or post a comment! Your thoughts are important!
After interviewing hundreds of potential surrogates and talking with the same amount of Intended Parents over the years, the subject always comes up regarding contact after the birth. This conversation takes place far before any match is made and has shown me over and over the optimism of all parties involved. 'No matter who I am matched with, we will be having a baby and I would like to know what will our relationship look like after the birth?' Expectations. Optimism. Positive thinking. Call it what you will but its a subject that needs to be discussed. It needs to be discussed and UNDERSTOOD that no matter what each party maybe feeling NOW, emotions, relationships, situations will change. (Not may change, WILL CHANGE.)
I think that some Intended Parents are more than willing to consider a relationship with their surrogate and try to actually build that into their vision of what a future will look like for their child/children. Some IP's, flat out, state that they can't get beyond the thought of a once a year photo and a small percentage are seemingly firm on their views on future relationship...no contact at all. Period.
A large percentage of women who envision themselves becoming a surrogate for a lucky couple want some contact after the birth of the baby. They understand that this isn't their biological child. They are cognizant of the fact that legally they have no rights, however, they may see themselves receiving photos and visiting with the family a couple of times a year...maybe e-mails or cards when the big milestones happen; first tooth, first step, first day of school. Why is this? I don't believe that it has as much to do with the baby but with the Intended Parents themselves. Surrogate's want to believe that they will mean more to their couple then "being just a carrier". That they will become life long friends with a common goal. That the couple will appreciate her forever and want to share the same joys that she has experienced with her own children. And, honestly, throughout the surrogacy journey most relationships move from the parties being complete strangers to constant companions. It's hard to make that jump, after the birth, and return to "normal" life for the surrogate mother and the IP's taking care of a newborn. In an instant, their relationship has changed.
When the decision to work together within the realm of surrogacy was reached, the conversation regarding contact after the birth should have taken place. And no matter what the agreed consensus was at that time, hopefully as the pregnancy progressed, the topic was discussed again. It's ok if the thought process changed and feelings are now decidedly different between the start of this relationship and the birth but it is important that no one is lead to believe something that will/will not be happening...whether that means there will be no contact at all on the surrogates part, or there will be no photos coming from the IP's or that an unexpected friendship bloomed and everyone wants to have lots of contact as apposed to very little. Whatever the situation its best to remember that communication is key and the understanding of each other's emotional investment is essential!
What is a "good surrogate" anyway? What type of qualities does one need to be in that illusive category of being Good? We all know that if a woman qualifies according to the clinical guidelines that she certainly should be at least Ms. "Good Enough".
Being a "good surrogate" really does go beyond the BMI and age requirements. Beyond how healthy or how easy her pregnancies were. Intended Parents (and agencies alike) seem to be looking for that 'thing' that will set one woman apart from all the others. Below is a list of those other qualities that seem to be in demand and I am going to write a series of articles about each point. Some maybe tongue in cheek and others I maybe quite serious about but all have a bit of truth in them!
Number One: A 'Good Surrogate' should show that she is totally committed to the surrogacy process.
Number Two: A 'Good Surrogate' is always easy to communicate with and easily reachable as well as responsive.
Number Three: A 'Good Surrogate' follows directions to a T and will double, no, TRIPLE check her doctors orders if she has the slightest question.
Number Four: A 'Good Surrogate' will put her Intended Parents first in all aspects during the pregnancy and her family will support her in her cause.
Number Five: A 'Good Surrogate' doesn't "need the money" that she may earn through being a carrier for another couple. It's just extra cash to spend on her family.
Number Six: A 'Good Surrogate' will take great pains to stay away from any toxic chemicals (no acrylic nails or cigarette smoke).
Number Seven: A 'Good Surrogate' is one who watches what she eats. She is trying to eat mostly organic foods and avoids fast food joints.
Number Eight: A 'Good Surrogate' loves to exercise and is in the best health possible.
Number Nine: A 'Good Surrogate' will consider her Intended Parents wishes when it comes to possible selective reduction and termination.
Number Ten: A 'Good Surrogate' has educated herself and isn't afraid to educate others about what she is doing.
Number Eleven: A 'Good Surrogate' will understand the demands of a new baby on her Intended Parents and know that they can't always be as close as they once were.
Number Twelve: A 'Good Surrogate' becomes a "Great Surrogate" after all of the above have happened. A Great Surrogate usually wants to be matched again and enjoyed the entire experience.
Now don't think that after this "Good Surrogate" series that I will have left out Intended Parents! What do you think makes "Good Intended Parents"? Because that will be the next topic of conversation!
Below is a short list of common questions that women ask when they are considering surrogacy. If you have any additional questions that you would like answered or would like to see on this list please comment below.
1. What is the average age of a potential surrogate?
Reproductive endocrinologists prefer to work with surrogates who are between 21 and 39 years of age. Exceptions have been made in the past but this is an average.
2. Does a woman have to have had a child of her own before she may act as a surrogate?
Yes. Most clinics will require the surrogate have at least one uncomplicated pregnancy and birth. C-sections are usually acceptable.
3. What about the health of a potential surrogate?
A potential surrogate must be healthy, for her benefit as much as for the child she will carry. Additionally, she will be screened for STD's (sexually transmitted diseases), and addictions such as drug, alcohol and tobacco. Certain medications, thyroid replacements may be acceptable to the clinic. Another factor most clinics take into consideration is BMI (height/weight ratio) and prefer that to be under 30. Calculate your BMI - Standard BMI Calculator
4. What if I had my own children but put them up for adoption?
Most psychologists and surrogacy agencies require you to be parenting your child/children. A previous adoption with a baby since then may be acceptable. The psychologist will speak with you about these issues to be sure you will be comfortable giving up the baby.
5. I have had some legal issues in my past....would I still be eligible to enter into a surrogacy contract?
Most Intended Parents do not want a person carrying their baby to have a criminal history. Most agencies will run a background check....minor offenses can often be overlooked. It is best to be honest with your agency and or attorney and tell them if there is anything in your past that might complicate the surrogacy process.
6. What do I need to know about Health Insurance?
Having health insurance will reduce the Intended Parent's out of pocket payment for your medical care. The best possible surrogate candidate will have her own health insurance with maternity coverage. This does mean medicare or state insurance coverage for a surrogacy would be prohibited by law. If you do not have a health policy, in some cases the agency or intended parents can provide one policy for you.
7. I am out of work and heard that you can make good money being a surrogate. Is that true?
It is best to have a stable household income of your own before you volunteer to become a surrogate mother. Surrogacy is a gift to an Intended Couple or Parent and any money that may come your way usually starts after the confirmation of pregnancy. There is NO guarantee that you will become pregnant throughout your surrogacy experience and some women don't become pregnant until the second or third try. All told, pregnancy may not be confirmed until a year or more from the signing of the contracts.
8. I am not sure my family will support me in my decision. Will that matter?
It will matter. Remember that the process of getting pregnancy up though birth can take a year or more. The fertility clinic will want to feel comfortable that you will be be supported during the medical procedures. The Intended Parents will want to feel comfortable that your family will be positive while you are carrying their baby. You should really have your spouse and family on board with your decision to be a surrogate.
9. I don't have a car but my new IP's can take me to my appointments, right?
No. You need reliable transportation. There are many appointments that you will need to attend before you even sign your contract. Some of these include: meeting with your agency, meeting the Intended Parents (who may be from out of state), having an exam with the clinic of the IP's choice, appointments with the psychologist and perhaps even meeting with an attorney, just to name a few. This isn't even taking into consideration your OB appointments once you are pregnant.
I will be speaking with several others on the topic of third party family building...This is a not to be missed FREE event!
Let’s Talk about Making Parenthood Possible!
The Largest Family Building Event in Florida
Whether You’re Hoping for your First or Next
In One Day Discover Your Options
Sunday, September 7, 2014 9:00am – 3:00pm
The conference is returning to Orlando with an expanded schedule of the most up-to-date topics and must-know family building information.
This FREE event will offer you an opportunity to meet many speakers, specialists and professionals in the fertility and adoption field and ask questions one-on-one.
More than 15 Educational Sessions to choose from throughout the day. Attend as many or as few as you like!
Exhibit Hall – Attendee Specials - Giveaways!
Topics include:
What to Expect When You’re Not Expecting: Infertility Basics and Beyond
Common Infertility Concerns: Endometriosis, Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS), Immune Disorders
Getting Fit for Fertility: How Nutrition and Health affect Men and Women’s Fertility
Modern Family Building with Third Party Reproduction: Sperm and Egg Donation, Surrogacy
Men’s Reproductive Health
The Latest, Successful Reproductive Surgery Options for Women and Men
Financing Fertility Treatments: Know Your Insurance/Prescription Plans, Other Finance Programs, Questions to Ask
Adoption Basics and Must Ask Questions: Starting Your Adoption Journey
Adoption Options: Domestic / Open / Closed / International / Transracial and Transcultural / Foster / Social Media
Openness in Adoption: A Candid Discussion with Adoptive Parent and Birthmom
Below is a short list of documents and tips that you and your clinic will need to facilitate your ART case.
1. Your clinic will need to have the contract signature page at the very least (they may require the entire contract) on file or an affidavit from the contractual attorney, indicating that the contract is complete and has been signed by all parties.
2. The medical information forms need to have been signed by all parties and given to your clinic for their files.
3. The Surrogate Mother/Carrier is the patient. Information on medication, transfer, and follow up must be conveyed to her through the clinic and not the Intended Parents although they should be informed as well.
4. The Intended Parents need to make sure that they have a credit card on file with the clinic for all medication and procedures that involve the Surrogate Mother/Carrier and/or Egg Donor.
5. The Surrogate Mother/Carrier or Egg Donor should receive NO BILLS. She is not responsible for any payment of bills and this is usually stated in the contract between the Intended Parents and Surrogate/Egg Donor.
6. IVF costs should not be attempted to be billed through the Surrogate Mother/Carrier's insurance. (Blood tests, pap smears, OB appointments etc. are usually ok.) Remember the Surrogate Mother/Carrier is not the infertile woman and billing her for IVF costs can cost her the insurance policy and possibly pose insurance fraud accusations. Medicaid should not be used under any circumstance.
You may be asked to meet with a psychologist for a “psychological evaluation”.A psychologist is different from a psychiatrist.A psychiatrist has a medical degree (M.D.), and they primarily prescribe medication, although some also conduct psychotherapy.A psychologist has a doctorate in psychology (a Ph.D. or Psy.D.), and they provide evaluations and conduct psychotherapy.
If you are interested in serving as an egg donor or traditional surrogate, the aim of the psychologist is twofold.The psychologist would like to gather as much information as possible so the recipient couple is prepared.For example, should there be a family history for learning disabilities, the recipient couple can learn about possible warning signs.Consequently, should their child develop academic difficulties, the recipient couple could then proceed with appropriate treatment.It is important to remember that psychologists know there is no perfect person and that it is extremely rare for a person to have a family history devoid of any psychological problems.
The psychologist is trained to remain neutral, and is interested in providing acceptance and support.A well-seasoned psychologist knows it is more credible if a person has had a bump or two along the road and/or if a donor/surrogate speaks of at least one relative who has experienced some sort of psychological problem.It is best to be honest.It is far better to honestly portray yourself and your family than to cover up what you fear could disqualify you.It is likely you will be disqualified if you are inconsistent in your responses.
The psychologist is also interested in determining your stability.Couples who seek out an egg donor or surrogate are very serious about wanting a successful outcome. Some couples have tried to have children for five or even ten years, by the time they reach this step.It is imperative you are certain you can and want to take this journey to completion.The psychologist will try to determine whether or not you will follow through by not only asking you about your feelings about serving as an egg donor/surrogate, but also by looking for patterns of stability in your past.
The psychologist will also spend time discussing with you the psychological ramifications of serving as an egg donor/surrogate.This portion of the interview is for your benefit.Regardless as to your motivation, helping a couple have children is a wonderful gift.Your desire to be a part of the miracle of life puts you in a very special, cherished category.You deserve to understand how this experience might affect you.It is also important you learn enough about this process in order to make the right decision for you.Should you have any questions, please ask them.Serving as an egg donor/surrogate is a decision that will affect you for the entirety of your life.It will most likely be comforting for you to receive answers to any questions you might have.
If you are interested in serving as a gestational surrogate, it is likely you will be asked to meet with a psychologist.Many of the same questions will be asked.Although your genetic history will not come into play, the psychologist will want to get to know you, so s/he can describe you to the intended parents.Additionally, the psychologist will be interested in determining if you will be able to provide a safe environment, both physically and environmentally, while you carry a couple’s baby.The psychologist will also want to prepare you in many different ways.Not only are there many issues to consider during your pregnancy, but it is of utmost importance to prepare you for what you might feel when you release a child to the intended parents. This is one of the most selfless and beautiful gifts you can give to others.At the same time, it can leave a tremendous void.The psychologist will want to prepare you and your partner to make sure that as you think through your decision, you can determine what is best for you.
You may be asked to take a personality test.Most often, the Minnesota Multiphasic Personality Inventory, 2nd Edition (MMPI-2) is administered.This is a long inventory that consists of approximately 500 true-false questions.The test is sensitive to test-taking style.Oftentimes, potential donors/surrogates feel nervous and at some level, feel they must be close to perfect. It is not true that you have to be nearly perfect to be chosen.Nevertheless, this mindset sometimes leads people to “fake good”, or present themselves in an overly favorable light.“Validity scales” will reveal this test-taking style, and you could invalidate your results.This could disqualify you.It is good to know that the inventory allows for “normal” stress, occasional sadness and anxiety, and for human frailties.Besides the “validity scales”, the inventory also yields “clinical scales”, which group together to form a “profile”.The profile describes your characteristic ways of interacting with the world.If you respond in a manner that is open and honest, it is likely your profile will yield interesting information for you.Many psychologists are willing to discuss your results with you, should you ask.
Recipient couples, also known as intended parents, are sometimes asked to attend an interview with a psychologist.They are sometimes asked to take an MMPI-2.For those of you who are considering using an egg donor, the interview with a psychologist is to make sure you have considered what it might feel like in the future, to have a child who is not fully genetically related to you.Additionally, the psychologist may ask questions to determine your financial and emotional stability.This is not done in a judgmental or critical manner.Rather, this would be to help you plan well for yourselves, especially if you have never had children.
If you are considering using a surrogate, the clinical interview for the intended parents is designed to prepare you for the emotional and financial issues that may come up.There are many things to consider when using a surrogate, such as whether or not you will provide health insurance, life insurance, or home support in case your surrogate becomes bedridden with a pregnancy.Additionally, it is wise to think ahead with regards to how you might handle a poorly formed fetus, or multiples that jeopardize the life of the mother and/or the babies.Lastly, it is a good idea to discuss what expectations you have with regards to a relationship with the surrogate both during and after a pregnancy.A trained psychologist can guide you through this dialogue, and inform you so you can make the best decisions for this very important and life-altering event.
Dr. Barbara Feinberg is a licensed psychologist. She received her doctorate in clinical psychology from Florida Institute of Technology in 1985. Dr. Feinberg has been practicing psychology in Tampa, Florida for over twenty-two years. Dr. Feinberg works with adults and children. Areas of treatment include infertility support, as well as coping with depression, anxiety, panic attacks, marital concerns, divorce and behavioral problems. Dr. Feinberg also provides gifted and learning disabilities evaluations. Additionally, she has specialized in reproductive issues for over ten years. She has spoken around the state of Florida on psychological and emotional issues that pertain to infertility. Dr. Feinberg provides psychological evaluations for egg donors, traditional and gestational surrogates, and intended parents. She works in conjunction with several egg donor agencies, surrogacy agencies and attorneys around the United States. You may contact Dr. Feinberg at 15961 North Florida Avenue, Suite A, Lutz, FL 33549, or [email protected].
In part one I wrote about how to control the amount of contact that you have with IP's who are too overbearing for their own good. (or yours for that matter) What about the Intended Parents who NEVER call...who seem never to be home or available...who don't seem to take much of an interest in their pregnancy or you at all. I am going to repeat here what the IP's have been through: Most IP's (and I will just refer to the heterosexual couples here for now) have been trying for YEARS to have a baby. They have tried naturally, IUI, IVF, GIFT and ZIFT. Infertility Answers, LLC - What are GIFT and ZIFT? Perhaps they even managed to get pregnant, several times, but miscarried or had a stillbirth or gave birth to a baby who only lived hours because of birth defects....maybe a disease is involved such as cancer or endometriosis. Whatever the case, they have been through a hell of a lot to bring them to trusting some other woman to carry their baby.
Because of the years of disappointment and loss they have crawled into a safe, protective shell and are determined not to be hurt again. In doing this they are not building a relationship with you, their surrogate, or bonding with the pregnancy. If you are not happy with this 'hands off' approach then it's up to you to make it easier for them to communicate with you. You may want to contact your agency for advice but if you are in this surrogacy arrangement independently then you will have to make the first move alone. I suggest that you start with e-mailing them with your current status...how you are feeling, what was said at the last appointment, when the next appointment will be and what you expect to have happen at that time. If you feel that they could make the next appointment then I would invite them to attend. I would tell them that you would like to talk with them...or the IM or IF at some point...you can then perhaps set up regular times to talk. Mention that as the birth gets closer there will be hospital arrangements to be made and that you want them to know what to expect. (who will be in the room with you during the labor or C-section etc.) Some IP's won't warm up to the fact that they are about to become parents until they are sure the pregnancy is viable which is around 25 weeks or so...Understanding their fears here is the key.
Granted you are going to find that there are some Intended Parents out there that are just looking for a business deal and that is all it will ever mean to them. It's up to you to find out before you sign that contract what type of people you want to work with. Asking the right questions and taking the time to get to know them is worth the wait. Further more, if you are being matched through an agency they should be able to tell you exactly what the IP's are looking for in a relationship.
I will be revisiting relationship issues in the future but for now....communication is the top priority for everyone involved!
So here is the crash course in dealing with intended parents who are encroaching on your personal space. Just who says they are overbearing? You do. Or your significant other does. Or your clinic, attorney or best friend says it...out loud and many times over "Your IP's are OUT OF CONTROL! You need to do something! " How and why does this happen? First lets have some IP back ground that may shed some light on this type of behavior: Most IP's (and I will just refer to the heterosexual couples here for now) have been trying for YEARS to have a baby. They have tried naturally, IUI, IVF, GIFT and ZIFT. Infertility Answers, LLC - What are GIFT and ZIFT? Perhaps they even managed to get pregnant, several times, but miscarried or had a stillbirth or gave birth to a baby who only lived hours because of birth defects....maybe a disease is involved such as cancer or endometriosis. Whatever the case, they have been through a hell of a lot to bring them to trusting some other woman to carry their baby. Try as some might, giving up that control is near impossible. Being able to communicate with you whenever they want is a form of regaining their control.
This can go two ways: Intended Parents who are all over you relentlessly, into every corner of your life OR IP's who rarely contact you and are standoffish and seem to be treating the surrogacy relationship with you like a business deal. Today we are talking about the 1st scenario:
Three months Pregnant *you*....tired...stressed...sick...3 of your own kids...perhaps a job...husband...life in general and a surrogacy. Your Intended Parents....Job...and pregnant YOU! (which causes them sleepless nights, stress, and anxiety) They call, e-mail and text. When they don't hear from you in 15 minutes they worry. If they don't hear from you in 24 hours they are calling the agency and attorneys office begging someone to find you! Maybe you skipped the country! (leaving those pesky kids and husband behind!!) This is where you need to regain control of your life...and fast.
One suggestion you might try is that you first acknowledge why 'these people' are the way they are. In doing that, you look at this behavior in a more sympathetic way, so that when you talk to them your voice conveys that you UNDERSTAND why they are stressed. Because you want to be available to them but NOT 24/7, you need to set up the guidelines for communication. Suggest to your IP's that you talk once a week...say Thursday nights at 8:30 PM after the kids are in bed. Don't miss a call! Also, add that you will call them after each appointment with the OB's office or Ultra Sound visit (given that they are not there for the appointment) Reassure them that you will call at the first sign of any problem related to the pregnancy. If you are going to be out of town, provide them with your schedule. I know you are thinking that its none of THEIR business if you go out of town or not however, if you were taking care of their 2 year old and took HER out of town they would have every right to know...well its the same thing with you being pregnant with their child. It reassures them that you care about their feelings and acknowledge that this is their pregnancy just as much as it is yours. If they still call at any other time than what was set up and they don't have any important information to pass along to you just state that you are busy at the moment and that you will talk to them on Thursday unless they need to change the day or time for some reason.
This may not solve all your problems but it should alleviate the communication issues. Managing your relationship with your IP's now will, hopefully, allow you to have a good solid relationship with them throughout the pregnancy and beyond.
Carla Lewis-Long’s first book, WHY I’M SO SPECIAL: A BOOK ABOUT SURROGACY rated a 5 star review by surrogacy expert, Sharon LaMothe on Amazon.com. A good accomplishment, but Carla didn’t feel as the full story was told. According to U.S. Census, there's a growing number of same-sex parents in America today: between 1.5 million and 5 million, in 1976, that number was estimated to be 300,000 to 500,000. And a recent report by CNN, stated that children with same-sex parents should be prepared for questions from strangers and classmates. "After writing my first children's book on surrogacy, I realized that the majority of people that use surrogates are same sex couples and I wanted them to also have a book to read to their children about their journey.” So on December 19, Carla releases the second volume, WHY I’M SO SPECIAL: A BOOK ABOUT SURROGACY WITH TWO DADDIES (AuthorHouse ISBN:9781468500073), and introduces 9 year old, Tyler Simone Newman, who illustrates the book.
Surrogacy for two dad households have been bolstered by the recent news of celebrities such as Neil Patrick Harris having twins Harper Grace and Gideon Scott in October 2010, Ricky Martin having twins Valentino and Matteo in 2008, and Elton John getting the best Christmas gift of all, Zachary Jackson Levon one year ago.
According to the advocacy group, Resolve, 7.3 million people in the U.S. are affected by infertility. Carla Lewis-Long’s fertility issues led her to Creative Family Connections, which helped find a wonderful surrogate to carry her baby. Her first book, Why I’m So Special: A Book About Surrogacy is a story for all parents who used a surrogate to share with their young children, to let them know just how special they are. The second installment focuses on the two dad household and how that journey may be explained to the children.
Besides being a loving mom to Makana Elliott Long, Carla Lewis-Long is VP, Distribution for nuvoTV. She has spent 17 years in television, working at networks such as AmericanLife TV, Oxygen, and USA Network. CableFax Magazine named her as one of the "Most Influential Minorities In Cable."
Carla Lewis-Long's fertility issues led her to Creative Family Connections, which found a surrogate to carry her baby. Her WHY I'M SO SPECIAL children's books are for all parents who used a surrogate, so that they can share with their young children.
LaMothe Surrogacy Consultants offer an entire surrogacy management package. This package is offered to those who have already found their surrogate though their own search be it a family member, friend, or through online classified ads. This Package includes the initial meeting plus assisting in all of the details of a surrogate arrangement without the matching process. This package lasts from the time you pay our retainer, throughout the medical and psychological testing, contract negations, embryo transfers (max 3 transfers with the same surrogate), pregnancy and birth. Attending appointments and birth are included in this service with you only paying the additional travel expenses. Please call us for pricing and further details.
Here is a brief outline of some of the services included in this Full Service LaMothe Surrogacy Consultants Package:
Initial meeting including materials for you and your surrogate
Assting you in finding a psychologist for the mental health screen
Helping with a health, life and disability policies if needed
Finding an attorney for the surrogate and Intended Parents
Being available for embryo transfers and other appointments
Arranging to send verbal/e-mail agreements between parties to the attorney to be included in the contract
Coordinating and/or locating a RE/clinic to work with the surrogate arrangement (in the case of a satellite office if needed)
Assisting with locating a "surrogate friendly" OB office
Coordinating escrow/trust Accounts for the distribution of funds throughout the contract time frame
Assisting with mediation and/or counseling
General case management and support
Attending transfers/appointments and births
(Plus travel expenses)
Call LaMothe Surrogacy Consulting for your FREE 40 minute consultation to learn more about our services. 727-458-8333
When it comes to conceiving a child, people will do anything and everything they physically can in order to bring new life into the world. Although there are technologies and techniques that have been discovered that can increase your chances of conception, some people are simply unable to do so. That is where the surrogate comes into play. While it may sound like a good idea at the time, are you mentally focused enough to allow someone else to have your child?
Confidence of Mind - Many people don't have a problem with allowing a surrogate to carry their child. They are more enamored with having the child regardless of who carries it to term or who's sperm is used. It is the fact that they are going to be parents of a baby child and are looking forward to raising him or her as best they can. Whether you are using an egg or a sperm donation, the surrogate will play a pivotal role in the child's development.
Pure Family Tree? - Some people are unable to find comfort in using a surrogate parent. Too many variables can play in effect. This is inclusive of the fact that many people find bloodlines to be vital to continuation of the family tree. In reality, it is next to impossible to guarantee that a bloodline is pure dating back centuries without extensive DNA testing done on family remains. Adultery is a very old practice and to be guaranteed that you are related to a certain family is extremely difficult to prove. While you may view your ancestors as honorable individuals, you should still face the reality that nobody is perfect. Too many instances could have happened to taint this bloodline whether it be wanton adultery or a pregnancy due to rape. They were called the dark ages for a reason.
Mental Blockages - It could be a difficult frame of mind to get into when using a surrogate to have a baby with your significant other. You could face a mental block of sorts where you don't view the child as "yours." Should this make you any less of a parent? Absolutely not. Regardless of the child's origins, you are the one raising him or her to be the best human the child can be. Should it really matter where his or her origins are biologically? This mental blockage doesn't merely affect those people who consider surrogates. It is this problem that affects many people - which is why they don't consider adoption either.
Be Confident in Your Decision - You need to be absolutely positive that you are mentally focused when it comes to having a surrogate. Children are more observant than you may realize and could feel as though they don't measure up in your eyes. This could cause a variety of mental repercussions throughout the child's development. You don't want to raise a child to immediately be faced with such mental baggage. Your own mental problems with the situation shouldn't become his or her burdens later on.
Depending on the situations surrounding using the surrogate parent, a wide variety of mental complications could develop among everyone involved. This has to be a solid decision that is being made and not because you want to make your spouse happy. Be sure you are doing the right thing for yourself before bringing a child into the world.
Author Bio:
Stephanie has many years of experience as a nanny. She has always loved children and has continuously been involved in childcare activities. Currently she is one of the writers for houstonnanny.com. If you want to get in touch with her, you can email her at stephanie. Houstonnanny @ gmail. com.
During prenatal visits, talk with your
health professional and IP's about what you would like to happen during labor.
Consider writing up your labor and delivery preferences in a birthing plan,
either with the help of a childbirth education class or on your own. You can
find various examples of birthing plans on parenting Web sites. Because no
labor or delivery can be fully anticipated or planned in advance, be flexible.
Your experience may be totally different from what you expect.
When making plans
for the baby's birth, consider the location of your delivery, who will
deliver the baby, and whether you want continuous labor support from a
designated health professional or a doula, a friend, or family members or your
Intended Parents. If you haven't already, this is also a good time to decide
whether you'll attend a childbirth education class with or without your IP's,
starting in your sixth or seventh month of pregnancy. After you've set the
stage, think through your preferences for comfort measures, pain relief, and
medical procedures.
Comfort measures may
include:
Nonmedication pain management ("natural" childbirth), such as
focused breathing, distraction, massage, imagery, and continuous labor support,
which can reduce pain and help you feel a sense of control during labor.
Acupuncture and hypnosis are also low-risk ways to manage pain that work for
some women.
Laboring in water, which helps with pain, stress, and may also help
prevent slow, difficult labor.
Walking during labor, including whether you prefer continuous
electronic fetal heart monitoring or occasional monitoring. Most women prefer
the freedom to walk and move around, which helps reduce discomfort, but a
high-risk delivery would require constant monitoring.
Eating and drinking during labor. Some hospitals allow you to drink
clear liquids while others may only allow you to suck on ice chips or hard
candy. Solid food is often restricted because the stomach digests food more
slowly during labor. An empty stomach is also best in the rare event that you
may need general anesthesia.
Playing music during labor.
Birthing positions during pushing, including sitting, squatting, or
reclining or using a ball, whirlpool, or birthing chair, stool, or bed.
Pain medication may
include:
Epidural anesthesia, which is an ongoing injection of pain
medication into the epidural space around the spinal cord, to partially or fully
numb the lower body. A "light" epidural allows the surrogate mother to feel
enough so that she can push, reducing risks of stalled labor and cesarean
delivery.
Pudendal and paracervical blocks, which are injections of pain
medication into the pelvic area to reduce labor pain. Pudendal is one of the
safest forms of anesthesia for numbing the area where the baby will come out.
Paracervical has been generally replaced by epidural, which is more effective.
Narcotics, typically Demerol, which are sometimes used to reduce
anxiety and pain. Narcotics have limited pain-relief effectiveness and can have
troubling side effects for the surrogate mother and baby.
Some pain
relief medications are not the type that you would request during labor. Rather,
they are used as part of another procedure or emergency delivery. However, it's
a good idea to be familiar with them. They include:
Local anesthesia, the injection of pain medication into the skin,
which numbs the area before episiotomy or before inserting an epidural.
Spinal block, the injection of pain medication into the spinal
fluid, which rapidly and fully numbs the pelvic area for assisted births, such
as for forceps or cesarean delivery. If you have a spinal block, no pushing is
possible.
General anesthesia, the use of inhaled or intravenous (IV)
medication, which renders you unconscious. It has more risks, yet takes effect
much faster than epidural or spinal anesthesia. General anesthesia is therefore
only used for some emergencies that require a rapid delivery, when an epidural
catheter has not been installed in advance.
If an emergency or an urgent situation
arises, your plan may have to change for you or the baby's safety. You may still
be allowed to participate in some decisions, but some of those choices may be
modified to increase the safety margins.
Medical procedures for aiding a safe
delivery may include:
Labor induction and augmentation, including rupturing of the
membranes and medications for softening the cervix and stimulating contractions.
This can be a medically necessary decision, such as when a surrogate mother has
high blood pressure or another health problem that may endanger the fetus.
Electronic fetal heart monitoring, either continuous for a
high-risk delivery, or periodic, to check for signs that the fetus might be in
distress.
Episiotomy, which widens the area between the vagina and anus
(perineum) with an incision. Episiotomy is done to shorten the time until the
baby is delivered. Perineal massage and controlled pushing may also prevent or
reduce tearing.
Forceps delivery or vacuum extraction to assist a vaginal delivery,
such as when labor is stalled at the pushing stage or the baby has signs of
distress and needs to be delivered quickly.
Cesarean section during a labor in progress. If you have had a
cesarean delivery before, you may have a choice between a vaginal trial of labor
and a planned cesarean birth.
If you have anything to add please comment below! I would love to hear your thoughts and experiences!
The options of starting a family through surrogacy
are peaking. Demand and competition are driving the clinical costs down, and
it's more affordable for couples who want their own biological child or who want
to raise a newborn through the gift of surrogacy and egg donation.
The giver of the gift of surrogacy and the people
who are accepting it have needs and expectations of how the relationship should
develop. If a comprehensive plan hasn't been made, then complications can arise.
Let's start by giving a hypothetical situation. Mr.
and Mrs. Smith need the help of a surrogate. They accept the offer from a
friend, Mary. They feel comfortable with this friendship and trust that this
woman will take care of herself during the pregnancy. Mary asks for a certain
amount of money to cover costs during pregnancy, and the Smiths agree. In the
back of their mind, Mary is being "paid" to carry their baby.
Mary gets pregnant via in vitro fertilization (IVF)
and is now carrying twins for the Smiths. The Smiths call her every day to see
how she is. They ask if they can do anything. They want to attend all the
appointments. They ask the OB if Mary's working, eating, sleeping and sexual
activities are OK for their babies.
Mary feels overwhelmed and micromanaged. After all,
she has given birth before, and she knows what she is doing. Resentment sets
in. Soon she is avoiding phone calls and gritting her teeth through
appointments, and her husband is wondering what in the world they got themselves
into! The Smiths feel her pulling away and become worried and start to mistrust
her actions. They have a right to ask these questions. After all, they are
"paying" her, and she is carrying their children. The rest of the pregnancy is
filled with stress on both sides, as Mary now can't wait to give birth and get
these people off her back.
The babies are born healthy and strong, and the
Smiths take them home. Now Mary hardly EVER hears from them. It may be months
before she even sees them, and they used to be close friends. She feels used
and left behind, forgetting how she felt during the pregnancy. Regret sets in.
As for the Smiths, they are coping with two new
lives! They are not getting the sleep they used to and bills from the surrogacy
and new babies are piling up. Their lives have been turned upside down, and
they can barely get time alone with each other let alone make calls to
Mary.
Discussing Expectations
Can you see what happened? No one really discussed
expectations. The before, during and after pregnancy relationship needs were not
met, and therefore, a bad taste has been left behind where the beauty of
families working together to bring a much-wanted child into the world should
have been.
Before anyone makes the choice of surrogacy, certain
aspects need to be thoroughly thought out and discussed. Here is a short list:
* Should a family member be asked to be a
surrogate?
* Would a friend be a good choice? (If the
answer is yes in either of these categories, then there is a separate list of
concerns to think about.)
* What race, religion and marital status would
you like a surrogate to be?
* What is the working status preference of a
surrogate?
* What do you envision your role in the
pregnancy?
* What are your expectations as to the amount of
contact with the surrogate during and after the pregnancy?
* What are the financial expectations, and how
will that be handled?
These questions are just the tip of the iceberg, but
they open up a dialog and can make a huge difference in a surrogate
relationship.
Having someone to mediate is also helpful. A
successful surrogate arrangement can be done independently, but having a third
party assist you with relationship management can be invaluable. Having a third
party to handle the escrow account can be a great relief on both the intended
parents and surrogate. Mixing the topics of money and babies is a sticky
situation at best and should be avoided - if possible - in order to concentrate
on the pregnancy and the surrogacy relationship. A well-managed escrow account
can make all the difference.
This is the LAST day of the National Infertility Awareness Week for this
year and today we have Two 2 hour phone sessions with a LaMothe Surrogacy
Consultant. One 2 hour session for those Intended Parents considering
Surrogacy and one 2 hour session for a woman and her partner who is considering
becoming a surrogate mother. This is an invaluable resource that you can
use to educate yourselves on this amazing process. Normally we only work
with IP's and their chosen but in this case we are happy to speak to women who are considering surrogacy (un-matched) as well!
A little about LaMothe Surrogacy Consulting:
Our LaMothe Surrogacy Consultants are dedicated to giving Intended
Parents and Surrogates the education and tools needed to make knowledgeable and
fact based decisions regarding their Third Party Family
Building Options. The old adage 'you don't know what you don't know' is
very true in the case of surrogacy arrangements. Deciphering all of the
overwhelming information, surrogacy programs, laws, and relationship concerns
are what our expert consultants are trained to do. Let us take the stress
of figuring out how this 'whole thing works' by contacting LaMothe Surrogacy
Consulting today.
LaMothe Surrogacy Consulting is NOT a matching service. We do
not match Intended Parents, Recipient Couples or Singles with
Traditional Surrogates, Gestational Carriers or Egg and Sperm Donors. Instead
we prepare Couples and Singles, based on individual needs, to find their way
through the maze of Third Party Family Building Options. We work to provide
information and education on how the surrogacy process works, who are the
professionals that Intended Parents will meet and hire and the questions that
they need to ask during each step of the surrogacy journey.
How you can WIN: You can "LIKE" our facebook pagehttps://www.facebook.com/LaMotheSurrogacyConsulting?ref=hl LaMothe
Surrogacy Consulting and then comment and "Like" the item that you
want to win. Although there are new items every day, you can enter to win each
and everyone. The contest ends at midnight on April 27th and all winners will
be notified by April 29th!
We have several items for Wednesday for our National Infertility Awareness
Week Contest and I didn't want to leave out Jill Hancock Reeders book Once Upon
a Surrogate: The Stork's Helpers. It is illustrated by Jill's two daughters and
is a great book for a new surrogate mother to share with her own children. You
can contact Jill and learn more about her book by following the links posted
below.
How you can WIN: You can "LIKE" our facebook
page https://www.facebook.com/LaMotheSurrogacyConsulting?ref=hl LaMothe
Surrogacy Consulting and then comment and "Like" the item that you want to win.
Although there are new items every day, you can enter to win each and everyone.
The contest ends on April 27th and all winners will be notified by April
29th!
We have posted other items so be sure to LIKE our page and LIKE and COMMENT on each item you would like to enter to win!!
One of many LaMothe Surrogacy Consulting's give-a-aways for today are two handmade
quilts offered by Parents via Egg Donation! So there will be 2 winners! Please
comment on which one you would like to be considered for!
How you can WIN: You can "LIKE" our facebook
page https://www.facebook.com/LaMotheSurrogacyConsulting?ref=hl LaMothe Surrogacy Consulting and then comment and "Like"
the item that you want to win. Although there are new items every day, you can
enter to win each and every one. The contest ends on April 27th and all winners
will be notified by April 29th!
PVED is giving away in honor of NIAW two handmade quilts from an
amazing quilt maker Ida Gatlin (my Italian mother in law) who runs a business
called "Bambino Village". Ida Gatlin and Bambino village have partnered
with PVED to create handmade quilts to give to our new PVED parents. We
wanted to make sure that our parents receive something lovely that helps
them normalize this whole process which can be incredibly
overwhelming.
Please know each quilt was handmade with much care and love
from 75 year old hands! I hope you have many years of use and enjoy them as
much as we do. My son Nick still has his and he's going on 13 !
PVED
is a non-profit organization that has been designed to and created to provide
an informational and supportive environment where parents and parents-to-be
can learn and share information about all facets of the egg donation and
surrogacy process. Our mission is to educate, support, and empower families
and individuals at any stage of the process who choose to use egg donation to
build a family. We provide support for thousands of individuals who have
created their families through egg donation and/or surrogacy regardless of
how that comes to be.
Whether it's due to being in a same sex
relationship or the unwarranted shame and embarrassment that often
accompanies infertility, a large portion of people within these groups feel
isolated and disenfranchised from other parenting groups. With the belief
that every conception is valid and every child is a miracle, PVED strives to
empower through education, thus changing the public perception of assisted
reproductive technology. PVED.org
